Thorns & Roses [6]

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Hey Pink! I don't think I reviewed chapter five, but I'll just move onto this one ...

Nitpicks:

“For us, duh,” he replied rolling his eyes up.

You don't need to say 'up' here. We know what happens when someone rolls their eyes.

He quickly reached over and picked up my breadstick, taking a bite.
“What are you talking about?” I quickly pulled my plate closer to me and away from him.

So many 'quickly's ... you can probably just remove the one describing Nick's actions. It's not needed.

“What!” I exclaimed, feeling a hint of disturbance roll over me.

You use the word 'hint' a few times to describe Victoria's feelings. The repetition is sort of annoying.

God, all I was doing was getting a ride home in Nick’s car and we were just going to practice together practising with him so why was this rush of sudden jumpy nerves taking over my body?

It sounded kind of weirdly worded. I put a suggestion in bold.

Hey, cucumber!” He called at little too loud for my taste.

'He' shouldn't be capitalized.

I rolled my eyes. “You’re so funny.”

There is a lot of eye rolling in this chapter. Surely there's another description you can use to show their emotions?

“They…they’re dead. Well actually it’s a long story,” he said with a chuckle

He chuckled about his parents being dead?

Overall:
I liked this chapter. I didn't like it as much as your other chapters, though. It felt a little bland, like you weren't sure what to do with it or something. However, the story is moving along nicely and it looks like you know where you're going after this. One thing I would say to you is to look out for repeating phrases throughout the chapter. It gets kind of annoying. But good job!

~Amy

Hey Pink, Apparently I was beaten to your review and Aquamarine did a fine job of it, I have nothing to add except to say that I love this, hehe

I saw him gaze directly at me from his lunch table of monkeys and untamed donkeys.

Pm me for the next !!

Tanya

Okay, this was a little...blah.
The mood wasn't all action-y like the rest. I think you should continue with whatever you were planning for seven, in this chapter. You aren't really giving us a lot here and I realize you wanted to leave with a cliff hanger. But you could have had them fight a little, elaborate on how awesome she feels while fighting, then like I don't know, have nick tackle her to the ground so they are face to face and then like they might kiss then he gets up and either leaves or presses her to try again. You know? I think that would add to her confused knee tingling moments. haha, but cliche, I know. I'm all for cliche.
Keep going, Pink.

Thanks for the reviews guys!
I know this is a boring chapter and Aqua, you were right. I was sort of lost when writing this. I'm definitely making it up in the next chapter!
I just needed to get a few little things out of the way, like setting and all.
I guess I sort of lost the 'passion' for the last two chapters but I know where I'm going after this.
Thanks again!

~Pink


ps- Jayleigh, you're like a psychic!

Yay! Another chapter. Writing can't always be fighting and action, sometimes you have to put the normal things in too. Some people get all mad when a chapter isn't like the rest. Honestly, it doesn't bother me.
I really enjoy this, your novel is coming along nicely!! Looks like they caught all the mistakes, yay! I just get to compliment : )
Keep writing!
~Shaard

Yeah, so Aqua already correction (I didn't look what she said) but I have my own opinions and stuff to add!

Sure, I wasn’t the brightest crayon in the box but I wasn’t stupid.

Comma after box.

God, all I was doing was getting a ride home in Nick’s car and we were just going to practice together so why was this rush of sudden jumpy nerves taking over my body?

At first I was going to point on that this is a very run-on unflowy sentence. But then I realized it works because she is stressing, and if she were saying this out loud, she would be rambling. Just to make this clear to readers who don’t think when they are reading, you should make the sentences before rambles, too.

As I emerged through the double doors, I heard the screaming girls and the loud laughter of teen boys as they threw purses back and forth. I rolled my eyes as the sight of them.

I don’t get this. Can you PM me with the explanation of what this scene is?

Maybe it’s because I’m too concentrated on my opponent that I don’t see the rest or wonder what they might be thinking.

For some reason, I don’t like ‘concentrated’ here. I would put something like: My attention was centred on my opponent. Or something like that. I don’t know, haha. Just ignore me and my un-useful comments.

As we parked in Nick’s driveway I looked across to my lot and noticed my dad’s black SUV standing there with him tucked inside yelling on his cell phone.

Woah woah woah! You skipped so much! A car ride alone is very valuable alone time! Put something in here that, I don’t know, make readers want to read more about their relationship! Car rides can be so romantic I don’t know why you’d want to throw this opportunity away!



Okay.

AHH! I am sorry, but this chapter made me so mad! Haha, just one little thing though:

Nick! Nick, Nick, Nick. A fighter. (I don't want to say this about a character) but sexy! And smart! And in this chapter, he turned into a girl. haha

You made him so incredible girly, I was awestruck. The only manly thing he said was when he passed off explaining his parents death, and even that wasn't too good. I mean, asking about Vick's relationship is something a girl would do... I don't know, maybe it's just me. If you could man him up a bit, like maybe have Vicks notice he was checking out another girl, and put how Vicks thinks about that. I want to know if Vicks has any attraction to him. Don't just blurt it out, but show me with some sweet dialogue. If they are not going to end up together, you are doing fine, though!

And one more thing. I am trying to make this short but it's not working, lol.
You put it out there that Nicks parents are dead. Vicks isn't soulless right? She's still human, still a girl, shouldn't she be sad about that? I would be crying inside if I found out his parents were dead.

Alright! I'm still hooked: beautiful story. Put in some fighting scenes! You're so great at explaining them. That's what drew me to this story.

Classy

Hey Pink!

I've been reading this, since you posted the first one!
Well, this one does seem a little blah after all the others. But it's still a beautiful story.

Cucumber is simply a hilarious nickname xD I'll comment like that. And I'd also like to add, that you're taking this story very lightly to us, as if it flows by us; that's really good.

Sorry for the 'fake' review xD

I agree with Lava about the story being a little "blah" after the others but still thinking its a great story.



-Charlotte Grace