Thorns & Roses [2]

-deleted-

unable to speak as he address’ me

"Addresses"?

I hated it when guys went easy, that’s why I liked to fight Kevin. I liked fighting Nicholas too but he was like a wrecking ball, some incredible force you just could stop with your bare hands. His history of aggressive street violence had made Fighters fear him, including me. Let’s just say I have some mixed up feeling for him. I admire his ambitions, I envy his UFA title, I despise his smirk, I hate his guts, I fear his strength but I love his passion. Nick’s fighting was a bit mechanic, but the way he does things, the way he moves and attacks. It shows heart. Maybe I'm the only one who could really tell…

Yes, this is exactly what I was looking for in the last chapter. Brilliance, yes indeed.

As Kevin pulls into my driveway I prepare myself for a long battle with my father. He was going to be totally ticked off when he hears about an\other 'fake' fight

*whoot* You are answering all my questions from my last review! Yays!

A typo there: an/other?

How the hell would I know if you’re nephew was moving in?

"You're" = contraction of "you" and "are"
"Your" = possessive

One thing I noticed that you did with your dialogue in this chapter was it was all crammed into the paragraphs. Generally, when a characters starts talking after a paragraph of prose, or any time a new character starts to speak, you bump the dialogue down into a new line.

ex. "You don't understand what I am going through," Lilly whined. "You've never understood!"

"No, I haven't," Rob shouted. She stared at him for a long moment with wide, sad eyes, then burst into tears. Rob sighed and pulled her to him, hugging her tightly.

"I'm sorry," he said softly. "I'm so sorry. I know how much those marshmellows meant to you."

The fight scenes in this chapter weren't quite as punchy as those in the first chapter. A few suggestions in general that I have for you:

- Make your sentences shorter. Shorter sentences create a sense of urgency and move the action along quickly. You can put a long sentence or two in there, but try writing in mostly short sentences for the fight scenes. And try to avoid beginning all the sentences with pronouns ("he", "she", "it"). Mix up the sentence structure a bit and the fight will flow better.

- Don't worry about outlining every move and play in the fight. It's okay to go along with just the general flow of how each of the fighters is doing, rather than doing a play by play. Describe what each fighter's body is doing, rather than just naming the move. Rather than just saying something like "I stabbed him. He started to bleed.", try something like "My knife pierced his skin. Blood sprayed on my hand."

All in all, I am still really liking this. I like your character, though I am interested to see how she is going to react to Nick. And are her parents ever going to find out about what she does? How does she get along with people outside of fighting? I'd like to see more of her everyday life, as well as her fighting.

Just as a question: Why are you thinking about changing to past tense?

Keep on writing!

~GryphonFledgling

Thank you so much, I'll go over it and fix the mistakes.
I've also spotted a few things that I need to change...
Thanks for the tip, I'll mess with the fight scenes a little more.
I'm really glad you liked it, thanks again

~Pink

P.S. I think writing in past tense is easier. I haven't had much experience writing in present tense but I think it flows better with the story. So I'm just contemplating whether I should change that or not.

Hi! It's allycat_redrosedreamer, by the way!

This is really cool. I (and I know I'm saying this again) but the idea of a female who kicks butt is such an appealing idea to me!

I'm sorry that this isn't that constructive but I'm not feeling very constructive at the moment!

Still, just know that your story is numero uno on my list

~ illa ater rosa III

Aww thanks, that means a lot.
It's okay if you don't post a review, I'm glad just to hear comments

~Pink

Hi ! Hi! I'm alive, sorry about the delay, haven't been home much in the past few days!

So, on with the review!

I could totally handle this guy right?

If you are remaining with the present for now, it would be 'Can'

I spin and deliver a punch to his side of his face, well I thought.

I personally don't like this part, it feels off to me. Maybe something like: 'Or so I thought', but that's just me.

I close my eyes, feeling unbelievably horrible that I just don’t want to stand back up

feeling so unbelievably horrible, maybe?

I admire his ambitions, I envy his UFA title, I despise his smirk, I hate his guts, I fear his strength but I love his passion. Nick’s fighting was a bit mechanic, but the way he does things, the way he moves and attacks. It showed heart.

Haha! I loved this description! It should be, 'Nick's fighting IS mechanic and I would put a comma between 'attacks and it showed heart', it flows better for me.

He smirks and then adds, “Nice black eye.”
Jerk.

I actually laughed out loud when I read this, hilarious!

So, those were my nitpicks. I don't know if you've decided whether to remain with present tense or to go with past but I will tell you this: when I wrote the Descendants the first time 'round, I wrote it in the present. Now that I'm rewriting it, I've switched to past. It's more comfortable for me. That's just my opinion.

I really loved this chapter and I agree about seeing more of her every day life. Finding out more about her and Kev. How did she get started as a fighter? Please pm me for the next?

Tanya

Hey Colour Buddy! Sorry this is a bit late, by the way.

Well, I read the first chapter of this so I knew what I was reading here and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I didn't review it because you seem to have a lot of brilliant reviewers who picked up on everything!

Well, this is enjoyable! Really. I absolutely love stories which have tough, female MCs, but don't make said MCs cliche and boring. I like Victoria's style, and I like the way you've portrayed and created her.

Now, nitpicks!

Nicholas, the most gruesome fighter, is asking to fight me.

The most gruesome fighter ... what? That phrase seems a little unfinished, as such. Perhaps it could be something like "The most gruesome fighter I'd ever has the misfortune to meet". Or something ...

“She just fought me, she can’t fight you,” Kevin reasons next to me.
“She just took one punch, it’s not like she’s knocked out cold,” Nicholas argues back. His eyes shift to me as he waits for an answer.

Small repetition there that's kind of annoying. Maybe one would say her name, and perhaps you could replace Nick's "just" with "only"?

I decide I would be the first to attack.

Should be "will be", remember to stick to your tense. And you might want to add "that I" before "will".

Kevin cusses at him and walks out of the circle angrily.

How do we/you know that he's angry? Does he storm? Does he kick the floor? Are his hands balled up into fists?

I jump and try to spin kick him but I barely notice his hands fly up and grab my mid-air foot and spin it around

Why does she barely notice this? He's grabbing her!

feeling the mayo and luscious tomatoes ooze into my mouth like warm chocolate.

That, for me, is some odd imagery going on. Tomatoes like chocolate? I get that you're talking about texture, but it feels like a weird word choice.

I mean I’ve watched him practice today

Should just be "I" instead of "I've".

had has made ^most^ Fighters fear him, including me.

He was going to be totally ticked off when he hears about another ‘fake’ fight.

"Is" instead of "was", I think.

But you could never have a rainbow without any rain.

<3

I gulp down the nasty taste of blood and burger.
He smirks and then adds, “Nice black eye.”
Jerk.

Tense: I think that it's perfectly fine for you to write in either tense. I like how it is at the moment well enough, but there are a couple of words that have slipped into the past tense, and this could be because you find this tense harder to write in? If I were you, I'd go with what you're comfortable with, and if you want to change the tense then you can easily rewrite it at any time!

Fight scenes: I agree with Gryph, here. Your fight scene in the first chapter was great, but here you've tried to describe it in too much detail. Ironically, now that you've done that I actually find it a lot harder to follow the fight because it gets very confusing when you start to describe it like that. Also, it means that you've lost some of the urgency that should be conveyed when describing the fight because it's become too bogged down with technicalities.

Overall:
I really love your writing style, Pink. It all flows, and you've incorporated some really great, funny stuff in the story while also introducing us to your character and giving us the hints of a story yet to come. In agreement with everyone else, I would like to see more of her background now; I'd especially like to know how she came into the sport!

Hope this helps, and well done!

~Amy

PS. PM me / post on my WRFF thread when the next chapter comes out!

Oh lord, my pride had gotten the better of me.

I laughed out loud at this, which is bad because I'm in class!

I mean just because I was thrown around a little and hit in the face doesn’t mean I was incapable of walking.

So, I noticed this in the last chapter, too. You need a comma after 'mean.'

“Victoria, how are you doing?

You have no end quote here! Might want to add it.

Again, I absolutely loved it. Keep writing.
P.S., I don't think you overdid the fight scene. I think that because it was such an important fight, there should be a lot of description.

I liked i. I don't think that you should outline every part of the fight, but just enough to tell what's happenning. I have this pet peeve about capitilization, and you capitallize "Fighters" quite a lot. I was just wandering why? If you could PM me the answer i'd be enternally grateful.

-Charlotte Grace