Your Broken Home//I May Be

I may be weaker than you,
but I am strong enough.
And I may be a mess sometimes,
but I can still pick up.

And I may have made some mistakes
but I have grown and learned.
And I may be the one who fixed you up before,
but I promise that I’m done.

Cause you are not the only one
who has ever made me smile.
But you are the one whose pain I took,
but only for a while.

And you are the one who is now alone,
'cause my broken heart
is gone from your broken home.


So this was something I wrote off a prompt. And it had to be rhyming.
Now, I'm terrible at rhyming poetry. I haven't done it much after realizing that.
It's really not my strong suit. :/
This was a challenge, most definitely.



Thanks for reading.

Hey there, Persy! I'll be reviewing you today, so let's see what we can do about your "I'm no good at rhyming poetry" mentality! This'll be fairly quick and painless, so let's get to it.

I may be
weaker than you,
but I am strong enough.
And I may be
a mess sometimes,
but I can still pick up.

So in this stanza, you establish a very choppy rhythm that reminds me of a girl about to vomit. Insert the sound "Blergh" after every line and you'll understand what I mean. This can be easily fixed by merging lines 1&2 and 4&5, so you end up with:

I may be weaker than you,
but I am strong enough.
And I may be a mess sometimes,
but I can still pick up.

Therefore you have the traditional quatrain format, rather than the vomit syndrome.

In this stanza, I'm going to go ahead and merge them per my suggestion.

'Cause you are not the only one
who has ever made me smile.
But you are the one whose pain I took,
but only for a while.

So in this stanza and the last stanza, the rhyme scheme gets considerably less subtle and verges on the cheesy side. The first two stanzas are perfect in rhyming the way they are, and you did a great job of it. However, try to think of more ingenious phrases for lines 2&4 (in the new structure; 3&6 in the old) where the rhymes occur. This'll get you respect for your poetry, as this deserves respect.

My final note is that I appreciate you using proper punctuation and capitalization and grammar within your poems, unlike most YWSers who feel that they can violate every rule of literature for the sake of their artistic laziness. So for that, I thank you.

Don't say that you're bad at this; you're not.
PM me with any questions or concerns or comments!

-Lumiface