The Birth Of Lord SvaTantra

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It was a dark wintry night, the Moon was full and it splayed it's silver rays all over the Earth. I was silently asleep in the comfortable warmth of my bed, when suddenly something woke me up- It was a voice that echoed in my head.

"I am Liberty." It said.

"What do you want?" I asked in a tone muffled by confusion and sleep.

"I need a face." It replied.

"But I don't look good." I frowned.

"You look nice." It said. "Just perfect."

"I am weak."I said with a sad, low tone.

"No, you're free!" It said "I need you as my face."

I considered his proposal for a minute, then overcoming all my hesitations I agreed.

"OK" I said with a surprising confidence.

But no one replied, everything became silent; It seemed that all this had been a silly dream. And just when I was about to forget everything and go back to sleep, a pain rushed through my nerves causing me to shriek. It seemed that someone was stabbing me over and over again. My lungs collapsed, my chest ripped open and my heart fell out, my brain melted and seeped out through my ears. I died and I could see my body lying lifeless as my soul drifted above it.
Then suddenly a lady with white skin, long, blonde hair and a long, leather jacket appeared from thin air. She was wearing a curious pair of video glasses on which the image of the word 'Liberty' flashed. After a long dramatic pause she took off her glasses and smiled at me. Then with a fast, fluid movement she took something out of her pocket- It was a small Sun!
With her free hand she lifted me up and placed the fireball where my heart had been. She winked and my chest was sealed.
Then from her other pocket she took out a cloudy orb- It was the sky!
She pushed the orb through my ears into my skull which caused my soul to be sucked back into my body.
And finally the lady snapped her fingers and instantly I was on fire, she then disappeared. The fire grew and grew, it's flames wrapping me like a blanket, until my whole body disappeared into my funeral pyre. After the flames turned a bright shade of pop blue and from the smoke emerged a tall, slender figure clad in metal.
With the power of the Sun and the freedom of the sky I spoke-
"My name is Lord SvaTantra." My voice reverberated in the Universe. "And I am the liberator of this world."
After that a blinding light was seen in the sky and the world was never the same again.
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Inspired by Lady GaGa's 'The Face Interlude' (Search it on youtube it's super cool.)
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Interesting. A little off the wall, but it was cool.

spike71294 wrote:It was a dark wintry night, the Moon was full and it splayed it's silver rays all over the Earth. I was silently asleep in the comfortable warmth of my bed, when suddenly something woke me up- It was a voice that echoed in my head.
There needs to be a period instead of a comma after night. Moon isn't capitalized. I don't think earth is capitalized either. Why do you need a hyphen after up?

"I am Liberty." It said.

"What do you want?" I asked in a tone muffled by confusion and sleep.

"I need a face." It replied.

"But I don't look good." I frowned.

"You look nice." It said. "Just perfect."

"I am weak."I said with a sad, low tone.

"No, you're free!" It said "I need you as my face."

I considered his proposal for a minute, then overcoming all my hesitations I agreed.

"OK" I said with a surprising confidence.
That whole conversation was weird. I know he has been woken from a sleep but it surely wasn't sound enough to keep him from wondering where the hell that voice was coming from. He just answers... I'm not sure I would just answer a disembodied voice.
The last "It said" needs a period or comma.


But no one replied, everything became silent; It seemed that all this had been a silly dream. And just when I was about to forget everything and go back to sleep, a pain rushed through my nerves causing me to shriek. It seemed that someone was stabbing me over and over again. My lungs collapsed, my chest ripped open and my heart fell out, my brain melted and seeped out through my ears. I died and I could see my body lying lifeless as my soul drifted above it.
Then suddenly a lady with white skin, long, blonde hair and a long, leather jacket appeared from thin air. She was wearing a curious pair of video glasses on which the image of the word 'Liberty' flashed. After a long dramatic pause she took off her glasses and smiled at me. Then with a fast, fluid movement she took something out of her pocket- It was a small Sun!
After a semicolon you don't capitalize the next word. It stays lowercase.
Wonderful description.
Again with the hyphen. You don't need it. You do that later on too with the sky and I don't like it. Can you find another way to say that she has the sun and sky?


With her free hand she lifted me up and placed the fireball where my heart had been. She winked and my chest was sealed.
Even with the leather jacket and the funky glasses (yes, I just said funky. I'm a nerd.) I got a regal image of Liberty. This scene killed that, and I'm not sure that's a good thing. It's your character so do what you want but in my mind a spirit-woman-thing standing for liberty should be dignified. Maybe you're trying a new twist.

Then from her other pocket she took out a cloudy orb- It was the sky!
I thought description could be used here. The sky is never just cloudy. There's always something remarkable about the sky. Whether it's a startling, clear blue that stretched out forever and ever or dark and highlighted with small pinpricks of light or filled with thunderclouds pregnant with rain or white with a field of clouds promising snow. Whatever, more description please.
I'm probably getting on your nerves with the hyphen thing and you're probably wondering what the hyphen did to me so I'm not going to say anything this time.


The fire grew and grew, it's flames wrapping me like a blanket, until my whole body disappeared into my funeral pyre. After the flames turned a bright shade of pop blue and from the smoke emerged a tall, slender figure clad in metal.
With the power of the Sun and the freedom of the sky I spoke-
Aren't you the tall slender figure? That's slipping into 3rd person, if I'm not mistaken. The hyphen is okay here.

"My name is Lord SvaTantra." My voice reverberated in the Universe. "And I am the liberator of this world."
After that a blinding light was seen in the sky and the world was never the same again.
I thought the ending was kind of weak.
Unless you mean universe to have some importance to the reader it isn't capitalized.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Inspired by Lady GaGa's 'The Face Interlude' (Search it on youtube it's super cool.)
That must have been some freaky video.
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Cool idea. You didn't have many grammatical errors which is nice but some of your sentences sound odd, etc.
Keep writing.
Megsug.
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