monsoon

a hail of brainwashed pride,
flooding any particles left in the murky puddles
where all the connections withered and died.

a catalyst to precipitation,
one crack of weakness and a torrential storm
wrecked all our chances of being more than no-one.

there's a drop of rain for every time we cried,
a shower of regret for every time we lied.

a forgotten mist,
clouding jaded apologies and belated goodbyes
the light breeze threw us around like a bleeding fist.

a field for our demise,
muddy and overflowing with too many arguments
take a bucket of belief and tear down our disguise.

in the distance,
a vague rainbow haunted by another hurricane below
for a brief moment we hold each other and it makes sense
what to do and where to go.

To be honest, if I had heard this read aloud, I would have laughed my *** off, especially with it coming from you. But reading it in my head it was different. I like the fact that you rhymed but didn't worry about the rhthym...many rhyming poems do that but you obviously proved it wasn't entirely necessary. But good job...I couldn't have done it...good poem.

the light breeze threw us around like a bleeding fist.

a perfect example of forced rhyming. Which this whole poem was. Not to metion the flow was completely ruined at the end because of the need to rhyme...I prefer your freeverse

^ditto. It was a good poem, but yeah, too forced, and because some of it was rymed and the rest didn't it was hard to read.

Jack, I just don't like your rhyming poems nearly as much as when you just go for it, you know? Although I did like the line "clouding jaded apologies and belated goodbyes." That was brilliant.

I miss your old style though... I admire you for trying something new, and you're improving, but... It's just not the same. *shrugs*

(hmm.. apparently I have to be logged in for this to work )

not as bad as rhyming poems often are.

I get the sense of too much rhyme, and I felt you were struggling with style, trying to write the way you usually write, and forcing yourlsef to write another way.


a hail of brainwashed pride,
flooding any particles left in the murky puddles
where all the connections withered and died. <--- sounds like your normal style, just a bit off.

a catalyst to precipitation,
one crack of weakness and a torrential storm
wrecked all our chances of being more than no-one. <---erm..not quite right. rhythm's off, line break is awkward (but I can't see a way to improve it, really), and the metaphor seemed over-sold.

there's a drop of rain for every time we cried,
a shower of regret for every time we lied. <---ok, this I like, but it breaks the pattern (which is why i don't write structure of this kind, usually).

a forgotten mist,
clouding jaded apologies and belated goodbyes
the light breeze threw us around like a bleeding fist. <--you were alright until the last line. ugh. just.. ugh. "bleeding fist" is thrown in, seemlingly..

a field for our demise, <--goodbyes, demise, disguise.. much rhyming, not enough poem.
muddy and overflowing with too many arguments
take a bucket of belief and tear down our disguise. <---ok, last line is good.

in the distance,
a vague rainbow haunted by another hurricane below
for a brief moment we hold each other and it makes sense
what to do and where to go. <--ok, not great, but ok. first two lines don't fit well, third line sounds like you, but doesn't fit the stanza, last line.. yeah, sounds like you.

basically, not my favourite. I think what brad said on another poem.. yeah (science references) that said it. better than that one, but not your usual standard. and there is almost a rhythm, but not quite. that's rather cool, but also unsettling.

maybe fall is just a bad writing time. something for me to think about

I don't know what you're all talking about. I've never been able to write poetry.

And it's irritating when people compare this to other things...rather you looked at it in its own independent right.

I wasn't forcing myself to write anyway, I can't even write anymore. So I just tried to put something down on paper that sounded vaguely true. Blah.

Hi,
I read your poem "Monsoon" and I came up with some suggestions for how you could improve it, but remember these are just suggestions and my opinions. First of all, in the first line you say, "a hail of brainwashed pride." To me "a hail" of anything doesn't make sense and so I can't picture what you're talking about. Maybe think about using something like, "a surge of brainwashed pride" or a gale or a gust or a deludge or a shower or whatever you want that is more powerful and clear cut than "hail."

Then in line 3 you suddenly change tense. When you say "withered and died" you are using the past tense, but in line 2 you were using the present tense with "flooding." In fact throughout the poem you continue to switch between tenses, pick a tense by either using "ing" endings or "ed" endings. This is a problem that I have when I write too, so don't feel bad.

In the 1st line of the 2nd stanza, I have the suggestion for you to change "to" to "of." It makes more sense to me that way, but it is up to your discretion.

When you say, "wrecked all our chances of being more than no-one" it makes my tongue want for something more fluid. Perhaps if you tried to change it to, "wrecking all our chances of being more."

In the 4th stanza rethink your word choice for "clouding," the word seems like a stumbling block. Try to think of something that would convey the same meaning but without hindering the flow of the poem.

Line 3 of stanza 4, completely seems out of place in the poem to me. Not the meaning, but the line itself within the struture of the poem, think about rewording it or combining its meaning with another line or something.

Think about rewording line 2 of stanza 5. Maybe use "muddy and overflowing with raging arguments," or "overwhelming arguments."

The last stanza of the poem really leaves me feeling wanting. The word choice seems like it could be better and it needs to flow with the rest of the stanzas of the poem but it does not. Your ending should always be especially representative of the style of your poem and remember to end strongly.

The idea of writing about a monsoon is a great idea to start with, but remember that part of poetry is the imagery that the use of the language conjures up in the READER'S mind. As writers we often see things that are not implied in our writing, because we are imagining the images in our head and don't need the cues from the text to see the big picture, but the readers do. When you write about something like a storm or a natural disater, even if just symbolically you need to remember that the reader needs to feel a sense of power and force that this enigmatic natural phenomenon displays, otherwise the whole scene falls flat.

Well, I hope at least some of my suggestion help you and I hope that I wasn't too harsh. I try detailed criticism because it is the kind I find most helpful myself. So, if you want to return the favor I am about to post one of my poems on the forum. Please check it out if you have the time. It is titled, "The Mask."
-Brooke (BamickAZ)