cheating

Welcome to the site, I forgot to check when you joined, so please don't let this scare you, if it does. I mean no harm, nor do I mean to insult you.

drpanama wrote:I walk through the door
blood already rising
my thoughts say go to her
but my mind says quit lyingMind and thoughts are the same thing? So you don't need to say but my mind.
quit cheating quit lusting
o how conniving it isOh how conniving it is. And don't you mean she, not it? and her running around is illegal? That's just a bit weird... Or wrong, really. Conniving means to work togeather secretly in a fradulent or illegal way, so I am not sure if you're using it correctly. But I do see that you might mean it's illegal to be togeather, but that's not what the above lines suggest, so you may want to work that out.
but it feels so good here with herYou should atleast split, "here with her" to the next line, it helps with the lack of to be, between good and here. I would ask for you to add "to be" but splitting it can help remedy it, in the same way
sharing our love for this sin What sin? Her cheating on you? I thought she was lying, cheating and lusting? I thought this was going to be a wife beating poem, but it's a love poem to the girl who cheats on you? That doesn't make a lot of sense. And if you mean what is above, to be ironic or to imply the oppisite, the rest of the poem doesn't have that same feel and tone, so it's disjointed and confusing.
I race off in haste
simply wanting her more
You were just with her? Where'd she go? When did she leave? And you should try making this part into a simile or metaphor, like: I run off like leaves in the wind, searching for my place to land. Something like that, that also gives it multiple qualities. Simplicitity is good, but it is also boring.
her body her touch her lips If you want her body, then that implies you want to touch, so lose that part. As for her lips those are a part of her body too. Either drop the body part or reword it. Personally, I'd drop the body part, it's too vague to be of any use.
ive always adored adored what? This has no connection to the lines above, where's the flow? /
she welcomes me in
with full smile on faceTry rewording thisto something like: her face is a smile. Or something like that, simply leaving out words makes it sound weird and just annoying. You have to leave out the right words, not just any words you think would work. And there needs to be a reason for doing so. Like trying to show someone can't speak properly or something like that.
we both know what will happen tonight You don't need to say this, foreshadowing is useless in a poem like this, since all it speaks about is her body and love, pretty much sex without the S, E or X.
here in this beautiful place Beautiful how? The word beautiful is an opinionated word, not everyone knows what beautiful means, so you should define what that is, again, with some sort of poetic device. Personification or similes or metaphors, I have no idea, you choose.
she kisses me softly
working up to my ear I like this and the line above, it's concise action, it's what I like to see.
and says the most beautiful thing
that im ever to hear that I'm ever to hear? What? Why would you say it like that? Honestly, that's just... Just don't do it. One reason is that it's grammaticly wrong. You should say: that I am ever going to hear, if you plan to use I'm, also, to hear is more so ment to be used when talking about present actions. It's still weird. And beautiful is still undefined. It's what is sometimes called blank imagery. *refer to the beautiful bashing above*
forever till end Just add till an end and it's better. Not that great but it's acceptable.
we never will part I thought you or she ran away before? So you parted...
ive welcomed you in
and hold you here in my heart
you've given me pleasure
in terms of love and of skin
so forever till end till an end.
we'll be true lovers of sin. I like the end of this. I am not going to say because I am not sure why. Sorry.

You should do more showing, implying all the things that you've directly say, like given me pleasure in terms of love and skin. That implies security and support and sex. It's a basic idea, kinda, of what I want you to do. It's the implied actions, but I want the oppisite. Actions implying the details, in a sense. Most of the things I've mentioned, like metaphors, personification and similes can be used in this way. It's not an easy thing, so if you need help, let me know, I should be able to help you.

Also, try to stay on track a bit more, the first few lines seemed a bit out of place, except with the last line. It's the only one they relate to.

Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.

I think this is really interesting.. You dont punctuate any of your conjuctions, which you really should do because it seems sloppy and childish when it's ive, rather than I've, also need to capotlize your I's. I dont know if you would wnat this kind of formatting, but It is a hard thing to figure out so dont worry about it, because that is something that will take time. i like the overall message you are pushing in this poem, but it still confuses me a little.. IS he cheating on some one else with her, or just on himself? Just something to think about.
-rain

Hello, Sohpiee here

I like this poem

very emotional and intreging




But I cant help but saying that this would seem better with some puncuation




But still i like this poem alot

good job









Sohpiee-Rose