Together

The air is cold and it nips at our intertwined fingers. I could say that I was shivering, except for that I wasn't. I'm warm, like usual. Maybe a little warmer, with you holding me like you are.

You say everything will be just fine, and I believe you, because I can. You're one of those people I can just trust. You're one of those people who will always tell me the truth.

And I love you for that.

A gust of wind blows my hair back as an ambulence rushes past. I wonder if the truck driver had gotten hurt when he hit us.

Looking down, I notice neither of us have a scratch, a mark, a bruise. We're in perfect condition and I smile. You smile too.

And then you stop. You're looking over my shoulder, not smiling, it worries me. I look behind myself to see what's so devastating. What could make you stop smiling when we're together.

It's your car. The car you worked on for two years. The car you put your life into.

It was wrecked. From when the truck smashed into us. And frankly, I don't remember getting out.

Because I hadn't, neither had you, and we both knew why.

But for some reason, we don't care. You shrug it off and I do too as we walk into the snowy horizon.

We're dead and we don't even care. Because if we had to be dead, at least we could be dead together.



Hey, it's me. So, I was trying to make a short story that was only one-thousand words long, but unfortunatly this is like thirty something word over. lol, I have a tendancy to add more than I probably need. Anyway, tell me what you think, I know I didn't explain much, but can you in a thousand words? I'd appreciate any comments, questions, compliments, etc. Thanks, you know I love you all! And watch you everyday through your windows! In a non crepper why!

That was very interesting.
I'm glad you explained that there were only a thousand words, because, if you hadn't I'd would have gone on one of my rants on how you need detail.


Well, anyway, you should do some clarifying of the situation, all though the telling you do is marvelous.
So, there was a car accident?

Anyway, write on
~WickedWonder

This was very good but I just have one suggestion, i would be careful with your tenses because in the first paragraph you switched between past and present tense. However, I commend you for using such unusual form as second person to tell your story. I also thought it was quite effective when it seems like a normal relationship between normal people until all of a sudden they notice the ambulance go by and you hear them wonder if the truck driver got hurt when he hit them. It shocked the reader to attention and certainly gets the attention for the rest of the peice, by that point your hooked. It was very strong and you should be proud of it, thank you for posting. Good job

this is nice. It pulls the reader in!
Keep Writing!
Nike

I usually really like carefully chosen detail in short stories like this but also appreciate the way that saying little is sometimes far more effective. What's left out allows readers to read between the lines and come to their own conclusions and reading this was interesting as I slowly built up an image of what had happened to these two people in a horrific accident. The last but one line could have made a great ending, although it would have been a lot more vague and maybe you wanted something more concrete - so the final statement at the end really made it clear that the two people are dead. You've romanticised the idea of dying with a loved one in a beautifully written story, well done!
~ Jaz

Jaz wrote :I usually really like carefully chosen detail in short stories like this but also appreciate the way that saying little is sometimes far more effective. What's left out allows readers to read between the lines and come to their own conclusions and reading this was interesting as I slowly built up an image of what had happened to these two people in a horrific accident. The last but one line could have made a great ending, although it would have been a lot more vague and maybe you wanted something more concrete - so the final statement at the end really made it clear that the two people are dead. You've romanticised the idea of dying with a loved one in a beautifully written story, well done!
~ Jaz

I agree with Jaz. And I think you're a talented writer. Keep on writing because you can really write.

Good luck and keep on writing,
kikialicia31.

Its kaka here!!
As been said before-Sometimes little is better. And this time, that saying just sums up your story.
It was interesting and drawing. I was completely un-aware everyday life was still happening a few seconds behind me!

Your plot was excellent,completely free from grammer mistakes! You didn't go on forever which was nice for a change.You used interesting descriptive words and everything was placed perfectly. The charachters were peaceful and enjoyable.
Well written..
Kaka x