The Vampires Story: A New Begining Chp.1

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Something was wrong here, really wrong. I sensed it in my gut. "Andrew, what's happening?" I cried into the nothingness that was my life.
"My dear callie, I love you. Just remember that I love you and everything will be alright!" His voice faded away and was replaced by a screaming howl.
I could feel myself being ingulfed into darkness, I grabbed for something, anything that I could hold onto. My fingers met a hand and I slid my hand into the other one. It was moist and fat, I screamed, but no sound came out. Yanking my hand away I peered into the darkness. I blinked, once, twice, and then another time to find a pair of reddish eyes staring at me from the darkness.
"This is your future honey!" It cackled, showing pointed teeth, no fangs, about as long as my pinky, next thing I knew it was lunging at me.
I woke up in a cold sweat. "Steven?" I called down the stairs as I heard bustling in the kitchen.
"Yes little love?" He called back sounding very much like Andrew.
"Oh, nothing." I said. I heard movment and in an instant I was in his arms, babling about my dream while he gently stroked my hair, saying words meant to soothe me.
"It's ok, it was just a dream, you're safe now." He whispered into my ear, while gently kissing it at the same time. I looked up into the dark hair and eyes I saw every morning as he whispered softly, "Just wait until later, our wedding will be extraordinary."
**********
There was music, lots of music pounding my eardrums. I tried to open my eyes only to find them filled with soil. Eyes, I thought quietly to myself, I have no eyes,I have nothing. Trying to regain some of my body back I summoned up Power, lots and lots of Power. I felt a sharp nip and in an instant I had my body back.
But god was I hungry, so very hungry. I haven't been under here that long, I thought, at least I don't think I've been. There was some reason I was under here, some reason I don't remember. I remember a girl and a boy. And then I was down here, calling for help, but I remember they couldn't here me. I could here them though. Doing very dirty things, that boy and that girl, no not a girl but a slut. She loved both of us and she wants both of us.
Loaded with anger I pushed up towards the soil only to be hit with broad dalight. I looked around me to see a celebration. That girl and that boy both dressed up so beautifully, the girl in a white gown and the boy in a black tuxedo. And they were kissing, holding hands and kissing. Reluctantly they pulled apart. They both looked at me and the girl came rushing forward with tears streaming down her pretty face, she had long brown hair pulled back into a veil, she bent down to get a better look at me. The boy came rushing behind her with tears in his eyes.
"Why are you crying?" I asked confused, "Isn't this a celebration?" The girl had now put her arms around me and I breathed in. I knew this smell, I loved this smell. I couldn't remember her name, if I could only remember her name! Callie, a little voice in the back of my head whispered, her name is Callie and you love her.
Callie looked at me with her big brown eyes and she parted her lips to speak but only one word came out. "Andrew."
***
"Andrew, oh Andrew, how could this be? You're dead!" I cried pulling off of him and looking at his face.
"Callie, I don't know how I'm here, I just am. But I want to ask you why you love that boy!" Andrew said suddenly looking angry, he pointed to his brother.
"Andrew, thats Steven. I love Steven, Steven is your brother. Oh god, you look so hungry! Steven, get Andrew some blood. I think he's about to pass out!" I cried, hugging him again.
"Callie, forget about the blood! Why do you love Steven? You can't love Steven because I love you! And he can't love you too!" Andrew cried as I caressed his face.
"Andrew, I'm sorry but I love Steven, when you died things happened. I love you too though, just not the way I love Steven." I said as he pulled away from my touch roughly.
"You're a slut!" He screamed as he ran to the bench closest to the lemon tree.
"Excuse me?" I cried furiously as I ran over to him. "Why would you say that?"
"Because you love us both, you can only love one of us!" He replied sounding shaken.
"Here's some blood." Steven called out as he walked out of the house.
"What took you so long?" I asked yanking the pouch out of his hand. "Were you eavesdropping?"
"As a matter of fact I was, and you don't ever call my wife a slut again. Okay?" Steven said pushing Andrew hard on the shoulder.
"Well brother you can't deny the truth. She is one." Andrew said drinking his blood.
"Do you want to go back under the ground? Do you want to die again? If you don't want to then I suggest you stop insulting my wife!" Steven screamed as he ran back into the house I followed him quickly.
"Steven calm down! It's okay. Besides, you know I'm over him." I said caressing Stevens face in my hands.
"Well how do I know for sure?" He asked as he glanced out the window to look at his brother.
"Because, I want to have a baby with you."




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Hey Cassie, my name is Addawen and I'll be reviewing you today!
First off you caught my attention right off the bat, mostly because I'm a sucker for vampire tales. But there are a couple mistakes here, so I'll point those out, and then give you a response, and I hope I'm not to harsh.

Something was wrong here, really wrong. I sensed it in my gut. "Andrew, what's happening?" I cried into the nothingness that was my life.
"My dear callie, Callie, should be capitalized, because its someones name. I love you. Just remember that I love you and everything will be alright!" His voice faded away and was replaced by a screaming howl.
I could feel myself being ingulfed into darkness, I grabbed for something, anything that I could hold onto. My fingers met a hand and I slid my hand into the other one. It was moist and fat, I screamed, but no sound came out. Yanking my hand away I peered into the darkness. I blinked, once, twice, and then another time to find a pair of reddish eyes staring at me from the darkness.
"This is your future honey!" It cackled, showing pointed teeth, no fangs, about as long as my pinky, I don't get this part, shouldn't teeth that are sharp and pretty dang long be called fangs? Just a thought. next thing I knew it was lunging at me.

Oh and this whole part, I think should be italicized, because its a dream right? Just my thought, its what I do.

I woke up in a cold sweat. "Steven?" I called down the stairs as I heard bustling in the kitchen. This part, you need to describe a little better, is she in the bedroom, or actually sleeping on the stairs?
[*]"Oh, nothing." I said. I heard movment and in an instant I was in his arms, bablingBabbling, it was probably a typo. about my dream while he gently stroked my hair, saying words meant to soothe me.[*]
There was music, lots of music pounding my eardrums. I tried to open my eyes only to find them filled with soil. Eyes, I thought quietly to myself, I have no eyes,I have nothing. Trying to regain some of my body back I summoned up Power, lots and lots of Power. I felt a sharp nip and in an instant I had my body back.
But god was I hungry, so very hungry. I haven't been under here that long, I thought, at least I don't think I've been. There was some reason I was under here, some reason I don't remember. I remember a girl and a boy. And then I was down here, calling for help, but I remember they couldn't here me. I could here them though. Doing very dirty things, that boy and that girl, no not a girl but a slut. She loved both of us and she wants both of us.
Loaded with anger I pushed up towards the soil only to be hit with broad dalight. I looked around me to see a celebration. That girl and that boy both dressed up so beautifully, the girl in a white gown and the boy in a black tuxedo. And they were kissing, holding hands and kissing. Reluctantly they pulled apart. They both looked at me and the girl came rushing forward with tears streaming down her pretty face, she had long brown hair pulled back into a veil, she bent down to get a better look at me. The boy came rushing behind her with tears in his eyes.
"Why are you crying?" I asked confused, "Isn't this a celebration?" The girl had now put her arms around me and I breathed in. I knew this smell, I loved this smell. I couldn't remember her name, if I could only remember her name! Callie, a little voice in the back of my head whispered, her name is Callie and you love her.
Callie looked at me with her big brown eyes and she parted her lips to speak but only one word came out. "Andrew."
This, if its another dream of some sorts, should be italiczed

In the whole next paragraph you need to describe their surroundings and such alot more, its mostly just dialoge, show don't tell.
Its all so fast, I can't keep up, whose Andrew, besides being Stevens brother? Whose Callie? Right now your characters are a lil two dimenstional, let us as the reader really get to know them, let us learn to love them. I know you can do it.
The ending was ok, kinda blah...and very random, but then again maybe with the next passage, we'll get to understand a little more about what's happening, although it does kinda sound like Vampire Diaries, you know with the whole two brothers after one girl, thing. And that's been done before, be creative, be inavative, be you, don't be someone else.
Overall your story was ok, on a scale of 1-10 I would give it a fair 5 or 6, not to be rude or anything, because this has potential. Keep going with it.
Addawen
The heart wants, the body needs, and the mind suffers. - me




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Thanks for the review. I'll have to admit that I didn't do a spell check :P!! First off my only reason I didn't do it is that I don't really like the way the remodeled the website, I don't know where the new spell check is! Well keep a look out for the next chapters thanks for reading it!



Cassie




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Hey. I loved the story. I just had a little confusion with there being no spaces in between the paragraphs but other than that it was golden.

Charlotte
"The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age." -Lucille Ball



I'm getting nachos~
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