Canola field

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Okay Ive tried to fix up some dodgy parts though its been hard. Just to clear it up there is no killer in the canola field. I want this story to remain fairly ambiguous but my intention was that Jame got injured in the other world that calls to him. Please tell me if this is a bit clearer :)

Yellow blue and red seemed to be the only colours that still existed. Yellow, intrusively bright covered the largest part of my vision, it stretched on forever. To be in the centre looking you would find yourself surrounded by yellow, never to escape to it, yet to be near the fences you would realise even the canola field had limits. It didn’t scare me; the enclosing feeling of being trapped in with the canola, it wasn’t the reason half my mind wanted to run until I reached the horizon. It contrasted like opposite ends of a magnet, to the serene blue sky which glided past behind the wafting clouds. The most shocking colour, unsurprisingly, was red. Red speckled the yellow and dripped onto the ground in places. These certain places were few but still managed to greatly affect my mind.
He must be here somewhere, lost in the unescapable yellow, maddened by the disarray of colours and the small amount of red, dripping from his leg; Looking for me. My thoughts stopped and I realised the utter silence that enveloped anyone who chose to stand in it. I chose to get out of it. I tried to think of a song that could potentially get stuck in my head but none came to mind. Of all the times to be left without an annoying song to flood my mind- but of course that’s just the trickery of silence. It makes it so hard to hear things within your own mind and too easy to hear things outside of it. I could hear him now, groaning, coming closer. I continued walking, trying to avoid the red parts of the field. Was I really that cruel to leave him to die? No, I knew I wasn’t. I knew he would find me, I waited for it. Still, selfishly, I was willing to wait as long as I possibly could, He called my name now.
“Adera.” “Adera.”
It sent sorrow down my spine. My body now tingled with apprehension. I won’t allow myself to break, I thought; determined. So I kept walking. The calling became feebler. Was I getting further away or was he getting weaker? I hoped for the first option but sickeningly believed the latter. It got darker and my exposed legs complained from the scratches I acquired while wondering through the fields. I noticed, however, that most of them blood on them wasn’t mine. This made me stop, I had to. I wanted to run after him at top speed now but I knew that would leave him more lost than found.
“Jame.” “Jamey.”
The incontrollable sobbing came from me this time. I didn’t want to admit defeat but I had undeniably broken.
“Adera.”
“I’m right here,” I said, silently hating myself for saying it.
“Can you come… find me.”
“Mm-hm,” I said sniffing.
The peaceful bright blue had turned to navy and because of this the canola had lost its sharp colour. Thankfully, the small parts of red that led me to him had too. I found him lying on the ground, worse off than I expected. Surely I should have expected it to be bad after seeing red on the plants. A slight shiver of panic rushed though me as I thought maybe I had left it too late this time. I didn’t truly believe it though. This wouldn’t be the last time I saved Jame Bestles.
“ I love you,” he said. I ignored it. I sat down with him on the flattened canola, I thought of how we could get out of this predicament this time. I would have to carry him to somewhere safer, where I could go to steal bandages or along those lines. By the time I’d planned it all out he was asleep. I’d always liked him better when he slept. Not because it was easier but because he looked so at peace, so simple and innocent. I felt sympathetic in a way towards him, like you would at watching a baby sleeping. I kissed him very gently on the cheek. Turns out he wasn’t asleep. He found my lips, his hands on the back of my neck and started kissing me much too enthusiastically for my liking. I pushed him off.
“Let’s go,” I mumbled angrily. He didn’t move. I got up and started walking away and he scrambled up hopping towards me.
“Can you tie up your shirt and bandage me,” he asked.
“Yeah right, what’s wrong with yours?”
“That’s not what I meant, can you just – do it.” He struggled to take his own singlet off, getting it stuck. I yanked it off and went to wrap the wound.
“There’s canola all in it.”
“I wonder why. Just stop it bleeding I don’t have that much to spare.”
“Okay, we gotta get to water,” I said more to myself.
I wrapped his leg efficiently; I had done it many times before- even with that exact white singlet. I don’t know why anyone like Jame would buy a white singlet. I let him hop behind me until he couldn’t anymore. He put all of his weight on me and I half carried him until we got to the fence and from then on I carried him. My arms were strong; they were used to carrying him. They gave up, as they always did, eventually. I managed to get him to a clump of trees. I dragged Jame far enough into them that we would be hidden but would still be able to find our way out again. We slept. I woke up annoyed.
“What were you thinking?” I said, waking him up. He groaned.
“You realise that when you go off on theses adventures you’re making It worse for both of us. I’m the one who has to carry you everywhere!”
“Calm down. Their not adventures, I neither enjoy them nor choose to go. You know that.”
“Learn Restraint!”
“Addie, calm down. You don’t want to be heard.”
“What do you expect us to do now? The responsibility always comes back to me. Either I leave you to die and feel guilty for the rest of my life or I’m stuck with looking after you and nearly killing myself doing so.”
“I’m sorry. I really can’t help it.”
“You could try.”
“I do, I try so hard. I can’t deny it though, its part of me. I wish you weren’t in this position Adera.”
I sighed.
“That part of me is calling again.”
“What!? You go out there like that and you’ll be dead within seconds. How do they expect you to be able to help them?”
“They don’t know, they just know they need help. I can ignore the calling for a while.”
“Well let’s hurry up then.”
I wish I knew the land but unfamiliarity makes even the distinguishable parts of the landscape just another tree or rock. It also meant a lot of surprises. One time showed an uncross-able river which meant I could wash his singlet but also meant we had to walk until nightfall to find a shallow part. Another time showed a bush of blackberries, I smelt and tasted for poison but they were fine. I started gulping them down and offered some to Jame. I felt revitalised and with newfound energy continued walking. Jame healed fast and soon he had enough energy to heal himself. I’d always admired the magical side of him. I watched as he ran his hands across the wound that disappeared before his eyes.
“Are they still calling?”
He nodded. He didn’t have to explain further, I could see the concentration, the furrowed eyebrows, the total concentration it took for him to stay in this world with me.
“Take me with you this time, I’m curious,” I said.
“No.”
“Is it impossible?”
“No I don’t want to.”
“Why?”
“It’s too dangerous. You’ve seen what happens to me, well that would happen to you.”
“Why do you care, I mean it’s not like I don’t have to go through pain to look after you.”
“That’s better than being killed.”
“Why do you care about me?”
“I guess, I guess I just love you.”
I sighed loudly.
“I know you don’t love me but until I find someone else the feeling won’t leave.”
Part of me did love him, part of me wanted to show him I loved him with every fibre of my body.
“I’ve got to go,” he said faintly.
“You’ve only just recovered, you’re not strong enough.”
“I won’t get any stronger, I can’t sleep or think.”
“Okay.”
He closed his eyes and his body rippled translucently out of my sight, out of my world.
I cried alone, waiting desperately for him to return. This time I would be more than willing to help him, caress him and love him when he came back.
Last edited by NaRachel on Wed Sep 29, 2010 4:01 am, edited 1 time in total.
"You grow, you grow like tornado
You grow from the inside
Destroy everything through
Destroy from the inside
Erupt like volcano
You flow from the inside
You kill everything through
You kill from the inside"




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Ahh I'm so confused!

I'm going to handle this review in parts.

Topic Sentence/Paragraph/Second Paragraph

Your first sentence is boring. I'm just going to put that out there. I think that you could open up the story so much better. It doesn't give us any insight to the plot or the characters, only a little look into the setting. And you could explain the setting in the second paragraph! But when you open up a story, you need to start it with something that will interest your readers. I think a line that is in the giant second paragraph (which I suggest you break up) would much better suit your opening statement:

Yellow blue and red seemed to be the only colours that still existed. Yellow, intrusively bright covered the largest part of my vision. It contrasted like opposite ends of a magnet, to the serene blue sky which glided past behind the wafting clouds. The most shocking colour, unsurprisingly, was red. Red speckled the yellow and dripped onto the ground in places. These certain places were few but still managed to greatly affect my mind.


This is definitely how you should start out the story. Instead of that useless paragraph in the beginning, you have this intriguing and frightening setting. Somewhere in here, mention that your character is in a field of canola that stretches on forever. Maybe insert it when you are describing the yellow.

Why do I suggest this as your opening statement? Because it is interesting. Because your readers will want to read more after this. Another reason? Because it is an example of how beautiful your writing is. When I read this, the picture started out with yellow, blue and red blotches. But as I progressed through the paragraph, I started to guess that it was blood before you mentioned it. I had a lot of fun figuring out what it was. It was like I was solving a mystery.

Now, the second paragraph. I mentioned above that you separate it out, and if you do what I suggested about the first sentence, the paragraph should get shorter on its own. However, I do suggest that you read it aloud, and try to figure out how you could separate it into at least two different paragraphs. I think that the first half you are talking about how things look, and then you talk about the plot, about the man wandering through? I think that the part about him should be a different paragraph. But all of these are just suggestions. If you feel like you like it as is, then keep it. It's your story after all.

Plot

This story seems interesting, but I have no idea what is going on. You skip around a bunch, and that's fine, as long as you explain it.

One of the things you mention but never finish is the fact that there's blood on the conola plants, but you say that it is not your main characters blood. I begin to think that it's the boy's blood, but there seems like there's too much just to belong to two people. Either tone the amount of blood down a bit, or mention other possibilities of whose blood it could be.

I'm guessing that the person you explain wandering through mentioning a name is a killer of some sort? But you never mention him. Then I begin to think that the person is the boy character. However it seemed as though you wanted the person wandering through to be evil. But the boy character isn't evil at all. I would like to see this issue resolved.

And then there's the voices that the boy hears. I'm guessing it has something to do with the killer and why they are always on the run? But what happened to the killer? Why are they in a field of canola? And then the boy goes away at the end. You never mention how he goes away. Since it's a fantasy short story, I imagine that he disappears because he is traveling to a different world. But that doesn't make much sense because how could he take the girl into another world?

Basically, there are a lot of unanswered things in your plot. Either you aren't being clear enough, or you want this to remain a truly irritating mystery. I don't know which one, but I highly suggest the former. I've read it twice, so I know that I'm just utterly confused. So, if you do an edit, or if you add more on, which could also be a reason why this seems unfinished, let me know!

Though I was confused, I found this a beautiful piece. The imagery was great, and I loved how original it was. Like I said above, the sentence that I feel should go as your first paragraph is beautiful. I think you should highlight your writing with opening with it. I also think that your characters are great - having that forbidden love interest in your story is definitely something teens like to read.

So keep on keeping on!

Classy




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Let me break it down for you, swen friar -- a refrigerator isn't creative, and it doesn't help you tell a story. It's a place for storing food. So why'd you use a refrigerator in place of your second paragraph? Like I'm going to stop to read a cooling unit. Good one, sister.

I used to use desktops and counters as paragraphs, and it got me nowhere. Know why? Because that's boring, that's why. Unless you're William Faulkner, I'm not going to read your description of the sky -- which, as you've been kind enough to inform me, is blue. I'm just kidding, okay? I don't read Faulkner. What a self-absorbed doddle pomp.

Nah but really. You can only say colours so many times before the reader doesn't care. Describing something as red is fine, but when you go on to detail all the yellow, blue, and purple things, it's like -- word overload. A bunch of letters, but none of them are reaching the senses. You've got to be creative with colour. It's hard. Writing doesn't lend itself well to visuals, which is why imagery is so difficult. Unless you're Kylan, that scampish rogue of legend.

Conciseness. Brevity. Work on it. This is the internet, and my attention span is horrible. So launch! Set sail! It's storytime, right? Sit me down and shut me up and tell me a story and be ruthless and confident and brash about it. All this primpy-poo-pah is for Great Novelists who rely on press, not word-of-mouth.

See? Make it easy for me to get past the second paragraph. Otherwise, I quit. And no one likes a quitter. Especially me. The self-loathing is too much. You have the power to end it.

Onward my knights! TO THE STRONGHOLD!




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I liked this piece a lot. I found a few minor grammar mistakes and they are easy to find. I liked Jamey's character personally, he just has a vunrebility to him that you don't find in most male characters. They are usually the big gorgeous guys that stand up to a fight where Jamey seems more quiet and weak. I liked where she says part of her does love him and part of her wanted to show him she loved him with every fibre of her body. That sense had a lot of emotion to me, it was a sentence people could relate to. I liked your finishing sentences, it tied the story together. It showed that the main character had a soft side as well, that she wasn't so strong. I liked this work and I can't wait to read more of your work. Keep writing :)
Wicked <3
One word to say to you
One world to live onto
One person that makes you spin
One song you'll always sing
Show me the way <3



I'm also not sure why but even though I normally wear cool tones I have a feeling red would have been my color in the 1860s.
— Elinor