Juvenile

So why are you here?; because I got in a fight; and why did you get in a fight?; because a kid wouldn’t leave me alone; well I’m not going to leave you alone in here; are you going to fight with me?; answer me; I don’t have all damn day; we are going to take you to the back, where all the big guys are; I know you have attention deficit disorder, but that’s not going to help you here; this is not a game; this is not a joke; do you like it here?; no?; do you like me?; do you like me?; yes, sir; don’t lie to me; do you like me?; yes or no?; tell me the damn truth; no, sir; what did the boy do to pick on you?; he called me names; did it hurt you?; can you feel it if I call you a name?; if I call you a name where do you feel it?; in my heart.

Spoiler

This was a conversation between an officer and a child detainee at a juvenile correction facility in Texas. The dialogue was taken from the photographic journal "No Place for Children: Voices from Juvenile Detention" by Bill and Alice Wright. It was written in the style of the short story "Girl" by Jamaica Kincaid.

In case it wasn't already obvious, the punctuation and structure is intentional. I didn't have an aneurysm in the middle of typing this story and confuse semicolons with periods.

Hi BadNarrator! Welcome to YWS!

Okay, I'm quite certain that the biggest problem in this piece is the punctuation and overall set-up. It is very hard to tell where on sentence ends and another begins, and sentences should be separated by periods rather than semicolons. Semicolons are only for connecting two related sentences. What the boy says should not be in italics, but rather in quotations and as a new paragraph. I will make this easier to edit by going ahead and doing it for you ...

"So why are you here?"

"Because I got in a fight."

"And why did you get in a fight?"

"Because a kid wouldn’t leave me alone."

"Well I’m not going to leave you alone in here. Are you going to fight with me? Answer me; I don’t have all damn day. We are going to take you to the back, where all the big guys are. I know you have attention deficit disorder, but that’s not going to help you here. This is not a game -- this is not a joke. Do you like it here? No? Do you like me? Do you like me?"

"Yes, sir."

"Don’t lie to me. Do you like me? Yes or no? Tell me the damn truth.

"No, sir."

"What did the boy do to pick on you?"

"He called me names."

"Did it hurt you? Can you feel it if I call you a name? If I call you a name, where do you feel it?"

"In my heart."

Wait. It is important to ask you this: what is the point? You did not write this, if you took it from "No Place for Children: Voices from Juvenile Detention." I can see, BadNarrator, that this something very sweet which you wish to share with the rest of the world, but unfortunately, the Young Writers Society is not the place for it. Perhaps you could write a short story with this dialogue in it or about how this dialogue came to be, but this is a site for reviewing young writers' work. I hope this helps.

- Abigail

Abigail_W. wrote:Hi BadNarrator! Welcome to YWS!

Okay, I'm quite certain that the biggest problem in this piece is the punctuation and overall set-up. It is very hard to tell where on sentence ends and another begins, and sentences should be separated by periods rather than semicolons. Semicolons are only for connecting two related sentences. What the boy says should not be in italics, but rather in quotations and as a new paragraph. I will make this easier to edit by going ahead and doing it for you ...

"So why are you here?"

"Because I got in a fight."

"And why did you get in a fight?"

"Because a kid wouldn’t leave me alone."

"Well I’m not going to leave you alone in here. Are you going to fight with me? Answer me; I don’t have all damn day. We are going to take you to the back, where all the big guys are. I know you have attention deficit disorder, but that’s not going to help you here. This is not a game -- this is not a joke. Do you like it here? No? Do you like me? Do you like me?"

"Yes, sir."

"Don’t lie to me. Do you like me? Yes or no? Tell me the damn truth.

"No, sir."

"What did the boy do to pick on you?"

"He called me names."

"Did it hurt you? Can you feel it if I call you a name? If I call you a name, where do you feel it?"

"In my heart."

Wait. It is important to ask you this: what is the point? You did not write this, if you took it from "No Place for Children: Voices from Juvenile Detention." I can see, BadNarrator, that this something very sweet which you wish to share with the rest of the world, but unfortunately, the Young Writers Society is not the place for it. Perhaps you could write a short story with this dialogue in it or about how this dialogue came to be, but this is a site for reviewing young writers' work. I hope this helps.

- Abigail

Abigail, thank you for taking the time to comment my work. It is very much appreciated, however condescending I think it is.

I would like to assure you that I am very well aware of the purpose of this website. I am also very much aware of the structure of this narrative. As I stated in the note at the end, the structure of the story is modeled after the Jamaica Kincaid's most famous short story "Girl", which follows the exact same punctuation and structure as this story. You can see for yourself if you don't believe me: http://bcs.bedfordstmartins.com/virtual ... /story.asp

I wrote it this way in hopes that someone who had actually read that story will pick up on the allusions between these two pieces. I realize that these are not words I made up myself which is why I posted it in non-fiction. As I said before this is an actual conversation which took place in real life so technically, they didn't write it either, they just quoted what someone else had said. In Kincaid's story the structure and punctuation is every bit as important to understanding the story as the text itself. So too is it in this piece. By arranging the story in this way, by contrasting the boy's words in italics with those of the officer, I am trying to generate context as well as create a visual display of the power dynamic between these two characters. Just like Kincaid.

As you may or may not know, creative writing isn't just about what's written but the way it's written as well.

Again I appreciate your comment. And thanks for reminding me of the purpose of the YWS, I almost forgot it there for a minute. Now that I've explained the details, if you have any actual feedback I would appreciate that as well.

Thanks.