The Runner

THE RUNNER
Feet thumping across pavement,
His heart racing, lungs pumping.
I'm flying! he thinks.
Nothing can stop him now,
He's invincible!
He is having the love affair he once had with motion, all over again.
A finish line comes into his vision.
He does not win.
No trophy, no glory, nothing to bring home to his family to show what he has done.
But he has overcome all odds and ran

His mother appears sitting on her gravestone,
"Congra..."
A nurse awakens him from his sleep, needle in hand
Stolen from his dream the runner once again becomes,
The patient
read the spoiler...

Spoiler

Honestly, this is only the third draft of this but i was anixous to put it up to get some constructive critisim. My muse for this poem was from my grandparents. Three of them have been in the hospital with cancer and some other stuff and I had got to thinking about what it must've been like for them knowing they might not have been able to do some things ever again, without getting a chance to say goodby. I also thought of myself in the age i am now and thought of my friend who runs. He could be sick at anytime and be rushed to the hospital without any notice or chance to intently run his last run. So here's to him, my grandparents, and all those who are sick and can't fufill their longings.

Heyo. So I really liked this, I liked the meaning behind it, and I liked the inspiration for it. I'm not terribly good at reviewing poetry, and this is different from most that I've seen. But I can give it a shot.
I liked everything up until these 3 lines

But HE knows he's accomplished something greater than he's ever done,
He ran.
His mother appears sitting on her gravestone,

This seems like a very sudden transition in the poem. A bit like Dante passing out whenever a scene change is needed (if you get the reference I will be oh so happy, if not, you might eventually).

The Patient

I'm sorry...this is terribly nit picky, but I think that if you don't capitalize these two words it will make the ending much more personal. When capitalized it makes "the patient" seem much more singular and unique, not something that everyone can identify with.
Hope this helps, keep it up!

I really like this poem, it's got a lot of feeling and emotions to it. And yet it's so short and simple. The only thing I have a little problem with is:

Jerked from reality the runner once again becomes,

Instead of 'Jerked from reality', wouldn't 'Taken/Stolen from a dream' be better? After all, he was only dreaming, and was returned to reality.
I hope that I helped.

Hey there!

I really liked this and the inspiration for the poem. It was meaningful but simple. I like that, how you kept from making it needlessly complex. Only nit pick I have is the random capitalization in the first stanza. It serves no purpose, so I'd advise changing it.

'I'm Flying!' he thinks.
Nothing can stop him now,
He's Invincible!

This. With "Flying" and "Invincible." I'd also say to get rid of the single quotations. You only bring those out if the double ones are already in use.

Other than that, good job!

--Sporks

ok i found this really interesting because its one of those poems with a twist ending. i love the love affair metephor its really smart and i love how you put yourslef in his shoes with the flying

embem11 wrote:THE RUNNER
Feet thumping across pavement,
His heart racing, lungs pumping.
'I'm Flying!' he thinks.
Nothing can stop him now,
He's Invincible!
He is having the love affair he once had with motion, all over again.
A finish line comes into his vision.
He does not win.
No trophy, no glory, nothing to bring home to his family to show what he has done.
But he has overcome all odds and ran

His mother appears sitting on her gravestone,
"Congra..."
A nurse awakens him from his sleep, needle in hand
Stolen from his dream the runner once again becomes,
The patient
read the spoiler...

Spoiler

Honestly, this is only the third draft of this but i was anixous to put it up to get some constructive critisim. My muse for this poem was from my grandparents. Three of them have been in the hospital with cancer and some other stuff and I had got to thinking about what it must've been like for them knowing they might not have been able to do some things ever again, without getting a chance to say goodby. I also thought of myself in the age i am now and thought of my friend who runs. He could be sick at anytime and be rushed to the hospital without any notice or chance to intently run his last run. So here's to him, my grandparents, and all those who are sick and can't fufill their longings.

Ok, so I read the spoiler first before I read the poem. I don't know if I could've had a different reaction if I read the poem first before the spoiler. What the huh. It'll be the same I guess, Anyway, on with your poem. I like your explanation for it. It's so depressing. People who are physically incapable will be depressed reading this. Ok, that didn't help.