The Old Tree

First post Not really a poem person writing stories are more my type, but i wrote this memory poem and figured i post it.
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Soon after familiar tires drove on the smooth, raven black driveway there was a slam.
The sudden crunching of freshly fallen flashy leaves
echoed as a pair of worn sneakers moved across the ground
in a mad dash to the intended destination.

Coming to a halt, fragile look hands discarded the bulky coat
onto the damp grass without a second glance.
Eyes facing the sky, the tiny feet ascended up rugged bark
hands grasping on perfectly placed branches.

Perched on a arm extending from the wide body
a sudden swoosh made the few remaining leaves
float gracefully to the bottom.
Chocolate eyes gazed out into a endless space of cerulean blue
spotting the lone red creature that caused the disturbance.

Surveying the area below, a hand flies into the air
moving rapidly back and forth, a slight swishing sound ringed in her ears,
as she spotted her folks down below.

Her eyes shined and a smile that was so bright
it seemed to glow appeared on her face
as she caught sight of the sibling she's come to love
approaching her

Her eyes shined

The past tense of "shine" is "shone".

Coming to a halt, fragile look hands

I think what you meant here was "fragile-looking" hands. It isn't a glaring error.
The only other thing I have to say is this seems more like a snippet of prose than
a poem. Still, good job.

I like the unorthodox use of adjectives. That is a fantastic way to get colorful words across. Also it was cool at the end to hear how they came together after that long pause. Keep it up!

NoSleepNoDreams wrote:First post Not really a poem person writing stories are more my type, but i wrote this memory poem and figured i post it.
---------------

Soon after familiar tires drove on the smooth, raven black driveway there was a slam.
The sudden crunching of freshly fallen flashy leaves
echoed as a pair of worn sneakers moved across the ground
in a mad dash to the intended destination.

Coming to a halt, fragile look hands discarded the bulky coat
onto the damp grass without a second glance.
Eyes facing the sky, the tiny feet ascended up rugged bark
hands grasping on perfectly placed branches.

Perched on a arm extending from the wide body
a sudden swoosh made the few remaining leaves
float gracefully to the bottom.
Chocolate eyes gazed out into a endless space of cerulean blue
spotting the lone red creature that caused the disturbance.

Surveying the area below, a hand flies into the air
moving rapidly back and forth, a slight swishing sound ringed in her ears,
as she spotted her folks down below.

Her eyes shined and a smile that was so bright
it seemed to glow appeared on her face
as she caught sight of the sibling she's come to love
approaching her

So, I honestly think this would have been better as a short story.
but still, keep trying, ...

There's not really much left for me to say. ( thanks guys!) My only thing is that the ending just kinda feel off. It bothered me. Keep on writin'!

Hey!
I loved your use of adjectives in this poem. You knitted it together really well. Apart from the 'shined = shone' thing, I picked up one other grammar mistake. 'Perched on a arm extending from the wide body ...': 'A' should be 'an'. If 'a' comes before a word beginning with a vowel - or an 'h' - it becomes an 'an'. (Sorry if I sound like your English teacher.) Might be a slip (I do that A LOT) but you do need to watch out for things like that.
Overall, well done. The only thing I found a little irritating was the ending - I wasn't sure if you brought it to a conclusive finish. And I think that you might even have been able to write it as a short story - you use great descriptive language.
Keep writing, because you're doing great, and God bless,
Ignis (: