I Have My Reasons

Inspired by a Tom Waits' song, though I can't remember which one. I can't decide if I like the last line or not. Thoughts?

Thanks for reading! c:


There’s an old man sitting next to me,
elbows greasy against the bar counter,
tie loose around his neck and looking tired.
He’s nursed much too long
on the amber glass of liquid before him
and swirls the medicine round the rims
struggling to stop, and losing to himself again and again-

but, I guess it isn’t my place to judge.
I’ve been here longer than him,
and I’m a hell of a lot drunker than him.
I have my reasons.

OK, so I love this poem but I really wish you hadn't asked about the last line because now I really don't like it! Something about the way I read with full awareness of your uncertainty made me question it too. I may have not liked it either the way though...

Anyway! The point is the last line does throw off the tone and feel of the poem. I would change it to something less literal or less egotistic(don't take that harshly!). If you could for instance make it "WE have our reasons." or make it like I said less literal and SHOW, not tell. That's the best I can do... Great poem!

Hiya Persephoneia!

For some really weird reason, I enjoyed this poem! It was cute and I loved the whole description of the old man. I also loved the imagery and your judgment of him - then taking back that judgment. I agree the last line would sound better if it were "we have our reasons" instead. It makes a connection to the old man, and that he has reasons for his actions in the bar.

I really liked it! Best wishes for future writing!

RedLeaf
(Please nominate me for greeter badge!)

Hello!

Well, let's get right down to it: I didn't like it. I felt that it read like an okay description in a prose piece rather than a poem. It was missing depth, though it did present an interesting idea.

When you read over it, what do you think the point of it is? What is the part that sticks out to you the most? Please consider these questions.
For me, what sticks out is the idea that although he's watching the other man getting drunk, he's drunker than he is and he's been here longer. That seems to be the main point.
The problem, however, comes in the fact that you don't describe the old man as drunk. You say he's nursed on his glass, but hey, he might have been there hours and let the alcohol work its way through by now, so he may not even be drunk. He's certainly not acting drunk. Nor do we see him acting like he's struggling. The narrator tells us he's struggling, but it's like we're behind a curtain, and we can't see, so we ask the narrator to describe the room for us. He's not doing a very good job.
Furthermore, I don't think the imagery of greasy elbows quite works. Usually, elbows are dry, unless he has elbows covered with grease, but that still seems unlikely.

Here is what you can do: in your descriptions of things like elbows, you can try to fit in a description of how the man struggles or how drunk he is. Talk about his drooping eyelids, how they seem to drop almost to the bar as he sits in a state tiptoeing around comatose. haha.

And consider your imagery of the drink as well. Amber is a very good word, but you've applied it to the GLASS rather than the LIQUID.

All in all, I think that if you cared about this scene and describing it by way of poetry, it will take some reworking but I don't think it's hopeless.

Please PM me if you have any questions or if you'd like a review on anything else.

Thanks!

-Hannah-