adam1

Angel Demon And Me (ADAM)

Hopeless beauty personified
Innocence vanquished
The fight by no means concluded

The calm death of the Angel
The persistent perseverance of the demon
The petulant perturbed rage of that which is myself

The fight which intertwines all of us together in hellish warfare
It consumes and overpowers all
It gracefully kills each in turn

The fleeting glimpses of the Angel of death
Always does she win when allotted
But seldom is she permitted to cross the threshold of the arena

The demon ever bounding in spastic movements
She is overflowing with tainted malevolence
She who plays with the mind, changing the rules as she goes

Myself ever raged
I feel hateful of the angle that travels with death as its companion
But it is nothing compared to the vile unbearable fury that comes forth at the mention of the demon

What shall I do when hope lies on the floor
Vanquished, bloody and dead
Why do I continue to fight when all I care for hath been destroyed

The Angel hath fallen
Man hath lost his cause
Hope lies dead, defiled, and defeated as evil stands triumphant over all

Innocence hath been crushed so long ago
Shall hope meet the same fate
Does it even matter

Though it is all gone
Though I have died
The fight shall continue and I will not be permitted to leave the battle ground

If I may not leave than I will make the powers that hold me in hell pay for their transgressions
I will conquer at all price; I will become the demon which torments my soul
I will become the angle of death she so fears

I have become the demon I so hate
I have tricked and killed those that I love merely to gain her trust
I have found that which she adores and loves, I have taken it from her

I killed her like she has killed me so many times
I have destroyed the woman I love with all my soul
And I have barred her in the sands of the earth where I shall never permit her to recover

I am becoming the Angel
I since evil in everything
I see its weakness I have only to exploit it.

I shall become the saint
I shall find peace, calm and satisfying
And I shall find love, true, untainted, everlasting perpetual love

___________________________________________________________________________________________________
please comment

Hi ginger!

Tis WD here as requested! First of all, welcome to YWS! Glad you made your way to this lovely site. So, I don't really write a lot of poetry, so I am certainly not an expert in reviewing it, but I'll give a few thoughts to just get you started on revising this. ^^

So, you're dealing with heavy subject matter here. Angels (not angles) and demons--from what I can gather, a person who has become a demon trying to become an angel/saint? So, this seems a narrative poem to me, and the narrative voice seems to have a decent story, but this poem really isn't doing anything for me right now. Why? Because poetry, like prose, relies heavily on detail. Right now your narrator is telling me his entire story, but I can't relate to any of it because it is just that--some guy telling me a story from his life in elevated language.

Because you have a narrative voice, I ask you: from what place is the narrator telling me this story? What is his attitude when he's telling it? What does he want me to get out of it? Does that conflict or coincide with what you as the author intend? What does he feel while he's telling the story? What is he feeling within the story? What things does he fixate on? What is his thought process like? Who is his intended audience? How does he express his emotions?

These are questions one might ask of a prose narrator, but I think they apply here--when you have a narrative voice, it is important to think about that narrator's stance towards what he is saying and what details that narrator is going to include. Right now, anyone with an elevated tone could be telling this story--and your narrator should not be just anyone.

Now, onto the poetic form of this. Basically, it's almost all telling. And, like prose, poetry relies on detail and images. Detail. Detail comes in the form of how exactly the person feels, how they express that feeling, what images their thought process jumps to, what specific events are being addressed etc. Even medieval poetry which is very story-oriented relies on detail. Images. Images are exactly how they sound--poetry relies heavily on images--moments of time captured and integrated into the poem strategically. Why do you need images and detail? Because I feel very little for your character otherwise. You can tell me all you want that your main character is suffering, but until I experience that suffering to some degree due to your detail, I will not feel any sympathy for that character. Make sense?

So, this is a lot of big picture stuff that comes with practice. Where to start? Read poetry and write poetry. Read poetry and more poetry and lots of poetry. Check out the poetry tutorials in the Knowledge Base. And write lots of poetry, trying to pay attention to these things. Practice is the most important way that you can improve.

All in all, you have some interesting subject matter! Glad to see you here on YWS and I hope this helps! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!