I know what love is... do you?

You lied.
Said we’d get though anything
You abandoned me
Left me feeling so empty

Relationships involve disagreements
And hardships will come too
You didn’t love me
Because you didn’t come through

You didn’t keep your half of the deal babe
You ran before I could explain
How am I supposed feel now
I feel like our love was just in vain

I did love you
And I still do
But you turned away
While I called out to you

Baby you cant just give up when things get hard
I understand I was being unreasonable
But you have to let down your guard

Because you have to work through these things
Even when you think youre being wronged
I cant believe that we’re through
I really thought we belonged

And Im trying to find an explanation
On why you gave up so fast
Was I not enough to fix the situtation?
I really thought that we would last

So what im getting at
Is that true love really works Sean
And while I was willing to fix it
You were already gone

Ofcourse you’ll get frustrated
But what do you expect?
You can’t just run off
Everytime you see were not perfect

And if you were going to leave
As soon as we hit a bump
Then you shouldn’t have told me you loved me
Because by saying that, you already made that jump

Love isnt something to be thrown around
If you really loved me then you wouldn’t have let me hit the ground

Cause I fell for you hard
And you were supposed to catch my fall
But you were too busy protecting yourself
I guess you didn’t love me after all

Because to love is to hand over
The kill button to our hearts
Trusting that the one you give it to
Will protect it from the start




And I made that sacrifice
Thinking you’d be worth the toll
Because even though I gave you a part of me
When I was with you I still felt whole

I did love you
And I still do
But you turned away
While I called out to you

I think 'When' would have been better for emphasis than 'while'.

Baby you cant just give up when things get hard
I understand I was being unreasonable
But you have to let down your guard

Because you have to work through these things
Even when you think youre being wronged
I cant believe that we’re through
I really thought we belonged

In both stanzas, you forgot to put an apostrophe in can't.

And Im trying to find an explanation
On why you gave up so fast
Was I not enough to fix the situtation?
I really thought that we would last

So what im getting at
Is that true love really works Sean
And while I was willing to fix it
You were already gone

First underlining: No apostrophe in I'm.

Second: For why you gave up so fast.

Third: Situation

Fourth: Your apostrophes again.

Ofcourse you’ll get frustrated
But what do you expect?
You can’t just run off
Everytime you see

were

not perfect

Fifth: Of course

Fifth: We're

Love isnt something to be thrown around
If you really loved me then you wouldn’t have let me hit the ground

Cause I fell for you hard
And you were supposed to catch my fall
But you were too busy protecting yourself
I guess you didn’t love me after all

Sixth: Apostrophe in isn't.

Seventh: Should be stop, you can't catch someone's fall.

Anyway, the poem's a good expression of heartache and loss, but you need to work on your grammar. :]

Before I say anything else this reminds me of a song more than a poem. Not just because of the length, but by the way you phrase everything. Like the way you say "baby" so much. It doesn't sound the best in a poem, but in a song it would be perfectly fine. I will try to stick to poetry mode, but I might slip into song mode. This is just a sorry in advance

Tinalove wrote:You lied. you don't need this period.
Said we’d get though anything
You abandoned me
Left me feeling so empty I think this would give a bigger impact: Left me so empty. The person isn't "feeling" empty they are empty, and "so" was just an unneeded word.

Relationships involve disagreements
And unneeded hardships will come too
You didn’t love me
Because you didn’t come through

You didn’t keep your half of the deal babe
You ran before I could explain
How am I supposed feel now?
I feel like our love was just in vain This sounds weird because you just asked how you were supposed to feel and then you stated how you did feel.

I did love you
And I still do
But you turned away
While I called out to you "You" twice doesn't sound good. I also think "When" would sound better than what you have now "while."

Baby, you can't just give up when things get hard
I understand I was being unreasonable
But you have to let down your guard

Because "Because" is unneeded and makes the line seem to long. you have to work through these things
Even when you think youre you're being wronged
I can't believe that we’re through
I really thought we belonged

And I'm trying to find an explanation
On why you gave up so fast
Was I not enough to fix the situation? I think you should add something more to this line. Maybe: was I not worthy enough, was I not good enough, or enough for you.
I really thought that unneeded we would last

So what i'm getting at
Is that true love really works Sean
And while I was willing to fix it
You were already gone

Of space needed course you’ll get frustrated
But what do you expect?
You can’t just run off
Every space needed time you see we're not perfect

And if you were going to leave
As soon as we hit a bump
Then you shouldn’t have told me you loved me
Because by saying that, you already made that jump

Love isn't something to be thrown around
If you really loved me then you wouldn’t have let me hit the ground

Cause I fell for you hard
And you were supposed to catch my fall
But, you were too busy protecting yourself
I guess you didn’t love me after all

Because unneeded (you actually seem to say "because" a lot more than you need to at the beginnings of lines and it gets to be to much after a while.)to love is to hand over
The kill button to our hearts
Trusting that the one you give it to
Will protect it from the start


I am not sure why you hit "enter" so many times here. Does there really need to be that big of a space?

And unneeded I made that sacrifice

~O.K. I am going to stop with the grammar corrections because I just scrolled down to read your poem one more time and realized it has already been covered. OOOps! I am still going to include it because I put a lot of work into it so there.

~Your rhythm was O.K. The rhyming was really good because it was noticeable enough to add to the rhythm, but not noticeable enough to make you focus on it so you couldn't do any half rhymes. One thing I noticed though that a lot of the time, probably because of the length of the lines the poem seemed slightly like sentences instead of lines. There is a fine line between being choppy and having to long of lines, but I am thinking that you should read over your poem out loud. Do it slowly and if you think you can find a good place to pause in some of the longer lines you should make in to two. Of course this is a personal preference, but that is my opinion.

Hope I helped,

A. S.

Hey there, Tinalove =)

So. I can't say I was very touched by this poem. In fact, I got a bit bored! Instead of a poem, this reminds me of a rambling diary entry of a bitter girl who's just been dumped. You know, all writing is good for at least one reason: because it has been written. I'm glad when people write, and a misfortune is actually a fortune if it makes one inspired to write. But if you want to get higher than that, you need to ensure that what you write feels unique to not only you but also -- and more importantly -- to the reader. After a story or a poem has been written, its reader is the most important person in the world, which is why it's kind of a tragedy if he/she isn't interested. Of course, there's nothing that would please us all, but it's not a good enough excuse to not to do all that you can to make the reader like your writing.

I would suggest that you make this poem shorter. Personally I've never been a fan of very long poems, because I can't focus on them if they're too long. All the stanzas in this aren't irreplaceable, and some of them just repeat what's already been said. One reason why I got bored was that you didn't use any poetic elements, apart from a little rhyming (which was nicely and subtly done, by the way). I can't take more than a few lines of "you this and I that and we this and then that", which is what your whole poem consists of right now. I'd like to see some imagery or even just a mere adjective -- that's not too much to ask, is it? Do what you have to do to make this a poem, not a disappointed monologue or a letter.

Thanks for the read!


Demeter
x

Alright, I see that grammar has pretty much been covered, however, I do think you need some puncuation at the end of lines. It tells the reader when they should pause and when they should flow into the next line.

Spoiler

Tinalove wrote:You lied.
Said we’d get though anything
You abandoned me
Left me feeling so empty There's no rhyme in this stanza. I don't know if you did that on purpose, but the other stanszas rhyme, so I thought I'd point it out.

Relationships involve disagreements
And hardships will come too
You didn’t love me
Because you didn’t come through

You didn’t keep your half of the deal babe
You ran before I could explain
How am I supposed feel now
I feel like our love was just in vain

I did love you
And I still do
But you turned away
While I called out to you

Baby you cant just give up when things get hard
I understand I was being unreasonable
But you have to let down your guard

Because you have to work through these things
Even when you think youre being wronged
I cant believe that we’re through
I really thought we belonged

And Im trying to find an explanation
On why you gave up so fast
Was I not enough to fix the situtation?
I really thought that we would last

So what im getting at
Is that true love really works Sean
And while I was willing to fix it
You were already gone

Ofcourse you’ll get frustrated
But what do you expect?
You can’t just run off
Everytime you see were not perfect Expect and perfect are a kind of iffy on rhyming together. They end the same way but are pronounced with different vowel stresses sometimes, so you might want to think about that.

And if you were going to leave
As soon as we hit a bump
Then you shouldn’t have told me you loved me
Because by saying that, you already made that jump I like this stanza. The rhyme works really well and all the lines fit together into one thought.

Love isnt something to be thrown around
If you really loved me then you wouldn’t have let me hit the ground Maybe split this line into two lines? It seems long.

Cause I fell for you hard
And you were supposed to catch my fall
But you were too busy protecting yourself
I guess you didn’t love me after all

Because to love is to hand over
The kill button to our hearts
Trusting that the one you give it to
Will protect it from the start I like the metaphor in this stanza.




And I made that sacrifice
Thinking you’d be worth the toll
Because even though I gave you a part of me
When I was with you I still felt whole

It lacks some imagry, and grammar, and it gets repetitive which gets boring. I would recomend trying to condense it a bit and adding imagry.
Write On!

What the who, it went through twice. Gahh, my computer is spazzy. Sorry.

thx guys, appreciate all the help:)

Alright, I see that grammar has pretty much been covered, however, I do think you need some puncuation at the end of lines. But keep on writing because practice makes perfect!