The gray line (Chapter 1)

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There is only one type of person I watch out for. It is not the jocks, Goths, populars, or the mysterious kids, it’s the dorks, the kids who always get picked on. I am not a wimp and you might think I’m crazy, but in my experience they’re scarier.
It all started in January of my sophomore year of high school. In my unruly English class my teacher decided to step out for a bit so most of my fellow classmates were out of their seats and talking. I unfortunately was not one of them.
My friends were all in different classes, well, at least my good friends anyway. I have a ton of casual friends but they are not the most interesting people.
“So, how’s it going Jim?” I asked the wimpy kid next to me.
“Not bad”, his rather high pitched voice replied.
He always sits next to me in English and I don’t know why. In my other classes he tries to sit next to me but my friends always beat him to the punch. English class was the only class we really talked.
“How are you?”Jim asked me.
“Okay, I guess. Why did Ms. Joler have to go to the office in the first place?” I though aloud.
Surprisingly Jim answered, “Maybe something bad happened to her family”.
“Maybe”, I sighed waiting for Jim to just give up talking to me.
It’s not like I don’t like Jim he just can change the conversation to what he saw on television or some other boring occurrence. Also, Jim wasn’t too smart. How he got up to my higher course English class, I’ll never know. He would wear the same type of shirt each day with holes all over it. I know his parents have the money to buy him new shirts because his older brother wears Hollister stuff everyday of the week and they live in a mansion several blocks away from my house.
“I saw this one show were this kid was left in this class and . . .” I zoned out. He’d done this so many times before I knew when to nod and gasp and any other reaction just by his facial expressions.
Then Eric came behind Jim and scared him. Jim flipped out and fell out off his seat. Eric, the head jerk at my school, his gang of losers started laughing.
“Why did you do that?” Jim asked.
“Because it was a great set up, Slim Jim”, Eric and his group started out again in laughter.
“Eric back off”, I defended.
“Oh, so Slim Jim has a girlfriend”, Eric said. It seemed he had a laughing box strapped to him because after everything he said laughter broke from his friends.
“Shut up Eric!” I warned.
“Hey, Slim Jim is she your girlfriend?” Eric said grabbing Jim by his collar.
“Uh . . . uh . . . uh”, Jim was speechless.
“Forget it, you’re no fun”, Eric said releasing Jim’s collar and letting him fall to the floor. “So Kelley are you?” Eric was now pushing my buttons.
“No! Why would we be?” I said without even thinking. Jim gave me this look of utter despair. Did he even think something was going on between us? I was just being kind not flirting or anything.
“Oh, okay”, Eric said leaving Jim and I to sulk in my words.

I didn’t talk to Jim in any other classes after that. I think he ditched after the next class we had together because I told my friends and they said they didn’t see him all day.
I was kind of worried about him. I felt like I should go to his house and apologize. I talked to my friend Cassie about him and she pretty much stopped everything she was doing.
"What are talking about? Jim, I mean Slim Jim, leaving school? Really? He might just be hiding in the library with all the other nerds. And Kelley, why are you so concerned about him all of the sudden?" That caught me off guard. Why was I so concerned? Was it because I felt guilty? Maybe, but why was Cassie acting so, well, nasty? I thought out of all my friends she would care. I guess I was wrong.
"Oh-uh, it was just weird. I've never heard of anyone missing class, especially Jim", I replied, trying to get a hold of my nerves.
"Newsflash! Have you met my brother? He skips all the time, so don't worry about it!" her words seemed a bit, well, too harsh.
"Your brother also gets in trouble with the cops", I murmured.
"What did you say?" Cassie said five octaves higher than her normal voice.
"Nothing", I could feel a smirk spread across my lips.

I came home to my empty house and collapsed on my mom’s favorite sofa. My dog came to my side and gave me her I-Need-Your-Attention look. I petted her soft blonde fur.
Apparently my dog, Kate, thought instead of being a Lab she thought she was a Lap dog. Cute as she was she was extremely heavy. She also was very protective of me and my younger brother.
I started dinner and my mom came home with Adam, my little brother. We all had casual conversations but the whole time all I could think about how Jim’s reaction to my words. Guilt swelled in my stomach. I cleaned the dishes feeling the guilt swell even more. I was a type of person that if I forgot to help some by opening a door for them I would feel guilty. Cassie always teased me about that. My mom asked all of her helicopter parent questions like she did every night, like:
Mom: “How was school?”
Me: “Fine.”
Mom: “How are your friends?”
Me: “Fine.”
Mom: “Did you get a lot of homework?”
Me: “Yes.”
Mom: “Will you stop answering me in one word sentences?”
Me: “No.”
And that was the end of that.

I went to bed and tried to ignore my guilt swelling gut. I watched the clock for a little bit and soon my eyelids felt heavy and I was asleep. I woke up at about midnight by my Kate crazily barking.
Why Kate why? I asked myself as I stumbled down the stairs half-asleep. When I reached her she was growling at the back door. Did she have to go out? I opened the door and she started in a deep growl and backed away slowly from the door way.
“What is it girl?” I asked her. All she did was growl.
I looked out the door when a hand grabbed me. I was about to scream when another hand clasped over my mouth.
“Sh! Do you want to wake up the whole neighborhood?” A deep unrecognizable voice said. Oh God, I’m going to be kidnapped, the thought echoed inside my head. Maybe if I could catch a glimpse of his face . . . I was wondering why I couldn’t see his face in till I noticed I closed my eyes. Oh, I’m smart. I peeked and saw an unbelievable sight.
It was Jim, I think. The things that were different about him was that he was buff, taller, and just plain hot! His brown hair and eyes were now a sleek black. His hair wasn’t awkward and spiky it was grown out and shaggy. I swear I think I was about to faint.
His hand pulled away from my mouth. “Are you okay?” his deeper more manly voice asked.
“Yeah, I guess”, I said trying to hide my shivers from the cold.
“Good because I have a question for you”, he said moving an arm around my shoulders.
It was weird thinking Jim was cute because he was always that awkward kid who I would usually tone out. But now . . . this is way too weird.
“What?” I said somewhat getting a hold of myself. I should have asked him “Why the heck are you at my house?” or “When did you grow up?” but I just couldn’t get myself to do it.
“Well, as you remember Eric asked us a question this morning”, Uh oh, “And you said we weren’t a couple very sternly and I, well, have wished you said we were”.
I just couldn’t stand this. “Well we aren’t”, I defended.
“I know but I always wanted us to be close”, what did he mean? He wanted us to be together. That was too much.
“I get what you’re saying it’s just I don’t agree. I like when we aren’t a couple”, I explained.
“But you don’t know me”, Jim said.
“No, I know you all right I just don’t want to be with you”, I replied.
“All you knew was the old me, not the new and improved me”, he stepped back and twirled around slowly. I then noticed he was wearing more appropriate looking clothes for his body, a black muscle shirt and some nice black jeans.
“Well, you were the old you this morning I don’t see how you could change over a few hours”, I said examining him.
“Well I did”, he said cornering me between my house and his arms. There was no escape.
“Maybe not”, I said incredibly uncomfortable.
“Trust me, I did”, he started leaning in and I pushed him away but that was unsuccessful. His lips hit mine and now I had the jitters. I fell like a rag doll in his arms.
Kate started barking up a storm and next thing I know his lips were off mine and he started yelling at my dog I opened my eyes. I was ditsy and my eye sight was blurry. I looked and saw Kate ready to rip Jim’s guts out. I got a hold of myself quickly.
“Kate, he’s good”, I raced my dog’s side. “He’s good”.
That calmed her down a little and then she walked closer to Jim still growling and pounced. She fell right through him and my mouth dropped open.
Jim came back to me and brushed my hair back. “It’s okay, I know that’s scary but we could still make this work”, his soothing voice almost had me.
I looked him straight in the eye. “I don’t think we can”, I said sternly and grabbed Kate’s collar. I dragged her inside. I made sure to shut the door in Jim’s face but as soon as I did I turned around to his face again.
“Wha!” I yelled in distress. I moved to quickly and fell on my back.
“Clumsy much”, Jim said putting out a hand. Then his playful expression turned serious. “You woke them up”, then he disappeared in front of my own eyes.
Last edited by TPak on Mon Sep 06, 2010 3:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Let me first point out that I hate romances...but so far love this.

The things I like:

The basic plot seems really interesting so far. At first when it started at school I thought, "Oh great, another story about cool girl, lame boy/vice-versa," but then it turned out to be more about this whole secret Dr. Jekyl-and-Mr. Hyde deal with Jim. I really hope that, while you stick to the romance genre, you make this interesting and exciting, because I think this could really develop into something great, depending on where you lead the plot. Why is Jim hiding who he is? Is he hiding from somebody specifically? Everybody? Why? Assuming that you know where you're bringing this and supposing you have some idea of why he has this alter-ego, I think this could be something I'd really like to keep reading.
Now...

Things that could be better:

You rushed it. Yep, that's my one and only complaint. Slow it down a little, let us be better-introduced to your character and to Jim before diving straight in. Maybe you should foreshadow (very vaguely) that Jim isn't as he seems before you completely surprise us. Also make sure that you have a reason for the two different Jims that's explained later on.

I can't wait to see where you go with this. Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket




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Thank you for your help! I started this awhile ago before I really knew how to write and so I just tweaked it a little. I had a feeling that it was rushed but I didn't know how to slow it down. But it's supposed to get really rolling soon, I'll promise you that. But thank you for reading my story!
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Hi :)
okay, so first, i would like to point out some sentences that got me a little bit confused.

In my unruly English class my teacher decided to step out for a bit so most everyone was out of their seats and talking. I unfortunately was not one of them.

Is it most of the people or everyone that are out of their seats?

Eric is a jerk at my school. Him his gang of losers started laughing.

Were you trying to say that him and his gang started to laugh?

Secondly, you rushed your story a little bit, especially at school. We didn't have a chance to learn who the girl is, or even Jim. I would wait a little bit, write more about her school day, at lunch etc... So we get into the story before jumping to the new and improved Jim. Another thing is that he just changes out of no where... I'm sure this is coming later on in the story, right? But it can confuse a little bit. I would use a little bit foreshadowing about what's going to happen, the change in Jim, her worrying about him more, talking with her friends about him being weird...

Last but not the least, i love the plot line, it's super interesting and I'm excited to read more. Keep on writing, it's good and it has potential. You can PM me when you write more, I would love to know the rest. :D

-Caroline
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
Need a reviewer? I don't bite, I promise. :) ---> viewtopic.php?f=188&t=76466




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Hi TPak! First off, I think the plot is very interesting. It's something quite different and you've written just enough on the synopsis so we, the readers, don't really know what is going on and it keeps us hooked! Really good idea :) But, and style is maybe something you want to work on.
Okay, I'm not going to repeat what the others said above but I do have some things I noticed.

Some of your sentences are quite choppy or unnatural. Try using comas to separate them, like this:
In my unruly English class, my teacher decided to step out for a bit so most everyone was out of their seats and talking.


Or, try to combine some together to make it less choppier:
Then Eric,the jerk of the school, came behind Jim and scared him. He flipped out and fell out off his seat.


You might also want to put a little more emotions into your writing. It's written in first person point of view and we barely know how does Kelley feel into all this situation. For this, you might want to put a little more of an introduction on her life at school before you get into the whole thing.

That's all I got! It's very interesting and I can't wait to see more :) Keep on writting!
-TheTruthLiesWithin-
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To begin, the plot was very confusing. The names and who the main character was, was unclear and described unusually. Well, I like the plot, it's interesting. However, I feel like the story needs better description. It's good that it's not slow-paced, but it seems too fast-paced. Watch for some gramatical and spelling errors... In the story it just seems to skip over some events too quickly, like dinner. Also, when Jim intrudes into her house, the way it's written was confusing too. Try to reword it and describe her emotions of the moment. Overall, I was interested in the characters and how Jim so magically changed. Keep it up, I'll be sure to keep reading!




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Yeah, I realized that. I'm thinking about getting rid of this piece. My friends say that poetry is my thing anyway so . . . any objections?
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Just think happy thoughts and you'll fly.
— Peter Pan