Anne, for James

Do you remember
When my father
He called me
From green drenched sunshine
Into a drunken kaleidoscope of amber
And he cut off my hair
James, it fell off like dying snakes
Dark as the blood of Hades
Black like a rotten thing

You held me with your pulse
Throbbing with need and
The more that the bombs rained down
The more
Your eyes lowered
They closed
And your eyelashes
Shriveled up
And fell

Each one dropped
You were naked
You looked at me
Fire was falling
Destroying and burning but
We were creating
Burning inside

You held me between
Layers of flesh, James
It throbbed
You throbbed
We knew it would end
And it did,
You did, James
Your promise snapped
in half, my love
As the yawning flames swallowed you
And frostbite sank into me

Well, it ends in a depressing manner. But it's a good poem, I like some of your descriptions:

From green drenched
Sunshine
Into a drunken haze of amber

Anyway, well done! And KEEP WRITING!

TIGERSPRITE

... I DO like it. As was said before, the descriptions are great and the writing is wonderful, but the end is a bit dramatic. I'm not a big fan of poems like that, but I did like this one, so good job! You might want to make your ending a little less depressing- it turns out sort of cliche, if that makes any sense? It kind of makes the poem not as unique.

I hope I helped

Hello there!

Here to review.

Do you remember
When my father
He called me

I would scrape off the word "he", since it's pretty understandable that you're still referring to the 'father'.

You eyes melted they glowed

"Your"

Anyways, just by looking at the poem wholly, you need some punctuations. The flow is not flowing well without it and it's each line doesn't connect with each other. However, that imageries you've set in here is quite good, spellings and there are some good choice of words. And I was bit confused why you've managed to place here the "lalala" thing. At first, I was thinking that this was a song but now, I'm still confused. Maybe that was intentional, so it's okay. All in all, this has potential. PM me for questions and hope I helped.

Peace out,
yuri

Hello there, I hardly ever look at anyone else's reviews on anyone's work so forgive me if I'm repeating what they say. (:
Now for the overall body of your work.

Denia wrote:Do you remember
When my father
He called me
From green drenched
Sunshine
Into a drunken haze of amber
And he cut off my
Hair, James, it fell off in rivers
like the blood of an
Evil heart black
Like a rotten thing (First this I noticed was the lack on commas and periods, it's not always needed but it does sometimes help the reading of it.)

You held me with your pulse
Throbbing with need and
The more that the bombs
rained down, the more
You eyes melted they glowed
And your eyelashes
Quivered
And fell
(Clearly I can see your depression but the lalala thing doesn't seem to make sense to me.)
La la la la, la la

Each one dropped
You were naked
You looked at me
Fire was falling
Destroying and burning but
We were creating (I got lost here, what was creating? Who was burning?)
Burning inside

you held me between
Layers of flesh, James
It throbbed
You throbbed
We knew it would end
And it did,
You did, James
Your promise snapped
in half, my love
Along with your neck
As the flames engulfed us
And frostbite crawled into me

La la la la, la la
And the lalala thing again, this really got me lost here.)

The little nitpicks in it are just how I saw it through my mind. It just didn't make much sense to me. I don't think I've ever read any of your other works before, but if they are like this (depressed is what I mean) then you should really look over them and see if they can be corrected. Sorry if I came off harsh, :/ Keep writing !

Very depressing ending!
But it was very sweet and very romantic, so goo work on that.
Your flow was good, too.
~WickedWOnder

This was a mixed bag. You had some fantastic moments followed by very awkward cliches. It felt like a see–saw, really.

First stanza captures precisely what I mean. I would lower–case Sunshine, and find a less obvious alcohol adjective for "haze" (I don't know, blurry or something), but those two phrases are otherwise beautifully chaotic. Then it fades a bit. I think "rivers" are too continuous/too large to reasonably describe your hair. And then "Evil heart" is pretty crude– it's so subjective and such an unnwieldy metaphor that it just sinks in emo stereotypes. "Black like a rotten thing" is much better, and kudos for the decent line.

The second stanza has more problems. The eyes melting, the lashes quivering (and by the way, did the lashes fall off?)– it sounds too similar to trashy romance language. Much too stereotypical. If the emotion hit you that hard, then I think you can write more innovatively.

Third stanza, unfortunately, needs even more work. There were varying degrees of awkwardness in the whole thing, I'm afraid. Try to maintain the quality of this theme of shattering/reuniting, and maybe that will give you something to go on.

The final stanza improves somewhat. I like the idea of frostbite, though not the actual crawling. Avoid typical out–of–control fire adjectives like "engulfed".

In short, this needs work, but you have some very solid moments. Strive to maintain those, and PM me if you have questions, especially if I'm too vague in my comments.

See you around,

–antimelrose