Playing Fate

This is a short story I wrote for English class. I need to present it on Monday the 27th of September, so please review! I need to know what you think about it, and especially if I have any mistakes.

This is the edited version... Hope it makes more sense!


This is the last bell I’m ever going to hear inside these walls, a tiny voice inside my head repeated again and again. As I gathered my books and packed my bag for one final trip to my locker, I kept trying to decipher the feelings that were swirling inside of me. Happy to leave this place, that’s for sure, I thought.

My steps echoed in the empty hallway. Everyone was either writing their last words on the copy of their final exam, or already enjoying the particularly hot days of summer. The only sound that came to my ears was the cringing of metal when I opened my locker. I crammed all the remaining of my things inside my bag and I was preparing to go when a hand came down on my shoulder. I turned around to see my best friend Riley, smiling down at me. He bent down to kiss me gently on the lips.

“This will get some getting used to,” I said to him, as soon as he pulled up. His laughter rumbled through the silence. We had been best friends since the first day of school three years from now, but not a few days ago, we had discovered there was more to our relationship than friendship.

“You have a date to Melissa’s party tonight,” he meant it like a fact, not a question.

“Oh, really?” My sarcastic tone only increased his laughter.

“Yeah, it’s shocking. Who would want to go out with you?” He laughed his lips against my forehead. He was at the other end of the hallway before I could reply. At the doors, he paused, slowly turning around.

“I’ll pick you up at eight,” I couldn’t see his face, but by his tone, I was ready to bet that he was smiling again.

I got home within the hour and spend the afternoon outside, enjoying the sun. Before I knew it, it was eight and I was waiting by the front steps for Riley. As soon as I saw gleaming headlights, I jumped up, ready to go.

“Hope you didn’t rush too much to get ready on time,” he was smirking again. “You look beautiful, by the way.”

“Better than you, I bet,” I joked. He turned his sad eyes on me, but I knew he was only mocking me. Riley was the kind of guy that never took things seriously. Life was just a big joke for him. He kept stealing glances my way between jokes and laughter until we arrived. Cars were parked on the side of the road and on the driveway to the house. Inside wasn’t better. It was pack with bodies from wall to wall. People I knew from school, others I didn’t even know existed before tonight. We walked around, talking to some of them for a while. Sometime between conversations, Riley went to search for his best friend who was supposed to be here tonight.

I didn’t want to go with him, so I decided to sit down on the couch while I waited for him to come back, and watch everyone surrounding me. Some were dancing, others walking around and talking. There was someone sitting beside me but she seemed too engrossed in her cup to have noticed me. I waited a while, just sitting there and watching, waiting for time to pass. I didn’t want to be here, really. It was just another party, just another night. But Riley had invited me to go with him. I couldn’t say no to him.

A guy sat down next to me, interrupting my train of thoughts.

“Having fun?” Sam said in a casual voice. I nodded, turning towards my friend. We used to be close, but we grew farther away after tenth grade. We still talked to each other whenever we met in the hallways, but our relationship was limited to small talk.

“Yeah, I am, but I’m a little tired,” I said, smiling at him.

“I can give you a ride back if you want. You live real close, right?” I nodded again. Riley wasn’t finished here yet, and I knew by experience that I would be waiting a while for him to finally be ready to drive me back home.

“Thanks. I’ll just call Riley so he knows that I’m gone,” we got up and I followed him out the door. As I get my phone out of my pocket, I hear a voice that sounds weirdly like Riley.

“Hey what do you think you’re doing?” He yelled from across the front yard.

“I’m driving her back. She wants to go home,” Sam said, not even looking back to Riley.

“I’ll take care of that, buddy. You can go back inside,” his voice was tense. Sam looked at me, a torn expression spread out on his features. Finally he nodded tightly and went back to the house.

“Go ahead,” Riley motioned to his car when Sam was back inside. I climbed in silently, followed closely by Riley. We stayed silent for most of the drive. Riley looked at me, smiling but when I didn’t turn back, he jerked on the wheel. The car veered dangerously fast, the screeching sound of tires burning through my ears. A second later the car was straightening back to its original position. Riley’s laugh filled the tight silence surrounding my heart.

“You can breathe now, I was just joking.” Right as the words escaped his mouth, headlights flashed on him, passing through his car window. It was only seconds, but for me it was hours. The blow of metal against metal. The crashing glass, piercing through my skin. Riley’s grunt. It took forever for the silence to take over again. But when it did, I turned around, calling my boyfriend’s name. His body was tangled in an impossible angle, eyes staring blankly towards the night sky.

hI TheOtherOne,

Well, first of all, I don't really know what to say about this. It was good, don't get me wrong there, just kind of confusing. So the beginning I'm thinking she's a senior and it's the last day of school, but you don't really make that clear. And then her boyfriend, I suppose you would call him that, walks up and kisses her. Aww, sweet. And then when they get in the car it's this whole flirty, teasy, friendly kind of relationship going on. But when they get to the party it's like he ditches her. At that point I was wondering what kind of guy this Riley was. And then she just sits there, you would think she would try to find him, he is, after all, her date. But alas, she doesn't, and is forced to socialize with her other friend, what's his name, oh, right, Sam, and not socialize with mysterious cup people. But the tension between Sam and Riley is definatly there, like Riley is the antagonist and Sam is the protagonist that's always loved her. You know what I'm saying? I'm just getting that vibe.

But then Riley is taking her home, and by the way, wouldn't she want to at least tell Riley that she was going home and Sam was taking her, instead of possibly just keeping him hanging later. And he swirves jokingly, I'm not sure why. I mean, joke yeah, but still. And then they do get in a car accident, how? Was there a truck or car in their lane, did he accidently swirve too far back into the road? What's going on? And just a tip, saying Riley shrieked kind of made me laugh. I mean, don't girls usually shriek? haha, sorry, just kind of gave me this mental picture of some guy giving out this high pitched squeak of a scream. And then she says, yes I know, this is a whole bunch of he said- she said, "calling my friend's name". Does she only think of him as a friend, I guess I need a little more background to their relationship.

Overall I think this was too short, I mean, if it had to be under a certain amount of words, then fine. But for here this could really be a great peice. We just need some background because right now we're trying to put together a puzzle of Sesame Street and Elmos missing! What the heck happened to Elmo? You need Elmo in Sesame Street, you need background to a story. I hope this was only a first part or something because I really do look forward to reading more of it.

PM me if you need anything cleared up, I'm super tired and probably made absolutely no sense.

-iheartbooks♥

Hello. I liked it but it was connfusing. It went way to fast. There was a plot but you gotta build it up. I know that you're not writing a book or anything but it's important that this piece makes sense.
I 100 percently agree with iheartbooks! I won't repeat anything because what she said was what I wanted to say. And the crash? Out of no where.
Keep Writing!
Nike

Okay, first, I would like to clear some things up. Since it's for English, I had to write a story from 2 to 4 pages, and believe me this is short. Especially for someone who writes novels and loves detailing everything... So I'm sorry for that, trust me, I would do better if it wasn't for that.

- iheartbooks: I know what your saying, and I understand completely about the relationship of Riley and Hayley. I can try to clarify that a little bit, but like I said, I have maybe a paragraph worth of space left... :S The other thing, about the end, is mostly for the theme. This story is about people who don't take life too seriously. Maybe knowing that will clarify the end. I hope so

- Nike: Okay, so you might want to read iheartbook's part, since it also applies to you. The crash... It makes sense for me. Sorry, but I have to say that you always have to search for a message in short stories. They are not written for nothing, well most of them. And when you see the message, it's then that you truly understand the story... If you know what I mean. The crash is the final separation of my characters, like a romantic short story is supposed to be. Also, it's the essence of my theme... Don't know if you got your 11th grade English class yet, but if you did, you understand then. Anyways, I'll try to get a little more squished in there so it makes more sense for you guys.

Thank you

-Other One

Okay. I understand the crash part. I really do. I understand that's it's for English class! But, it's great. I hope that you got a good gradefor it.
Keep Writing!
Nike

Hey there!

I thought this was good. It moved a bit fast, but I liked that for the simple fact that it is a short story, and they aren't supposed to be long. You're supposed to start in the middle of the action, like you did.

I think that the only part you should have slowed down was the last part, when Riley was telling Sam to go back in and that he would take his own girlfriend home. It was all sort of a blur that didn't really make sense. Why would she even want to go home with him? Why would she even date a guy that would rather party than take his girlfriend home?

You need to get inside your characters head a bit more in this scene. What is she thinking so that she assumes it would be ok with her boyfriend that another guy take her home? Was she drunk? I mean, I don't know anyone who would think that alright, and I don't know anyone that would want Sam to take them home. I would definitely want my boyfriend to take me home.

You need to let us into her head so that we can better understand her. I think what you should do is think about your main character and the boyfriend a bit more. What kind of people are they really? What crowd to they hang out with? What are there home life's like? All of these things influence a character, and you need to think about them when writing a story, even if those things won't be included in it.

On the flip side, this was really interesting. I almost wanted to cry when you described her boyfriend in the car after the crash. I could almost see him. And I thought about what the girlfriend must have been thinking, seeing someone that they loved dead beside them. I think you should slow down on that part a bit too. I would also like to get inside her head about what she thinks of her boyfriend being dead.

I really liked the beginning. You did something with this story, with the way you wrote it. It was really slow in the beginning, when you were describing what the people in the school were doing on there last day. Then you got really fast by the end. I liked it because it felt like you were leading up to one extreme ending.

Keep writing,

Classy