A new home, A new Love ( ch 3)

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The sunrise woke me up the next day, a con about living in a tower above the tree line. Then the smell of French toast made me get dressed and run down the stairs. In my old home, my family never ate breakfast together. I sometimes left for school before my younger siblings even woke up. I was lucky if I even had time for breakfast, I was up dressed and out, and I would grieve the whole day until I could go home and read.

After breakfast I put on my uniform and then started my shift. Apparently in Maine it is not illegal to work “ under the table,” like it is in Massachusetts.

I started at as the dishwasher, which wasn’t so bad actually. They played the radio in the kitchen so we could all sing along, and the costumers can’t hears us. After my 4 hour shift, I was happy and already my old self, confident, loud, happy self.

After lunch, Rachel took me on a bike-tour of the National Park of the island. This place was so beautiful. We found Aaron taking pictures of what the Internet told me was the most photographed place in the island, the Somesville footbridge of the oldest town on the island, Somesville. The bridge that spirals across the river. It truly is beautiful.

After one hour, I was reading in the library, which had some of the most beautiful books, I loved it. I read until super time. The Hatstats kept laughing at me as I ate my spaghetti as messy as a baby. It got all over me and Rachel who was sitting beside me. It was funny.

As I went to bed, I remembered my mothers gifts. I sat on my bed and unwrapped the pink bow and opened the small box.

I took off my glasses and gasped. Before me was two little circles connected, a bottle of eye fluid, and a to go case. The contacts I have been asking for. I walked over to the bathroom I put them on with ease, then I took them off and put them away in the cabinet.

I walked back to my room, and got dressed. I looked out the window fading the east. I saw the beautiful stars. Then for some reason I felt like someone was with me, looking at the star too, yet he was far away yet with me by a hologram or energy line of some sort.

********

I looked to the east after our show and oddly felt like I was somewhere else. All the people yelling “ Judah!” out side my window of the bus were gone. I smelled familiar scents, the Atlantic sea, the old stones of a castle, all came rushing to my nose in one great aroma. I’m home, I thought, This is my room. I wasn’t seeing it exactly. I was like staring through a old messed up window, or a mirror at the circus. But at the same time, I was still seeing the star, like when you look outside at night, seeing the outside world and your reflection at the same time. Yet the star background and my room aliened and you could see the star through my window.

That’s when I saw her, staring at the star too.

She wasn’t Rachel or Rebecca. I could tell that without seeing her face. “Who are you? What are you doing in my room?” I said but nothing came out. I reached out and taped her on the shoulder. Big mistake.

She turned around and her beautiful hazel eyes bulged out at me. That when I realized, I must have looked like a ghost, in a wavy pattern just like the world around me.

But I knew this girl some way, some how.

“ Do I know you?” I said and again nothing came out. She must have saw my lips moving, trying to respond. I didn’t hear her. It looked like ‘ I can’t hear you, do I know you? Why are you here?’ Then my whole body started shaking I turned around. My room started fading away.

Then I saw Caleb there, shacking my body. “ Dude wake up! The bus is on fire!”
post652841.html#p652841 = intro







post652869.html#p652869 =ch 1







post654200.html#p654200 = ch 2 p1







post654804.html#p654804 = ch2 p2







post655535.html#p655535 = ch 2 p3







post656605.html#p656605 = ch 3 p1







post658132.html#p658132 = ch 3 p2







post659320.html#p659320 = ch 4 p1





post660304.html#p660304 = ch 4 p2
Last edited by callmeLily73 on Mon Feb 15, 2010 2:57 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Be yourself
And no one else
dance to the beat
and loose control
Never forget who you are
Be an unforgettable shining star*




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I started at as the dishwasher, which wasn't so bad actually. They played the radio in the kitchen so we could all sing along, and the costumers can’t hears us. After my 4 hour shift, I was happy and already my old , self confident, loud, happy self.


As I went to bed, I remembered my mothers gifts. I sat on my bed and unwrapped the pink bow and opened the small box.
Why did you get a gift??

Please stop using the word beautiful, find a synonym please.

Other than that, nice job, I actually wanna read more.(I hate reading!)

Good luck and please keep writing.

Silented1
[quote]If it's arguable, then it probably is." - Xeriana X

Link to my will review for food thread: topic71713.html




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Hi Lily!

I think the one big problem here is that you are telling us, not showing us.
You're just reciting what happened like a grocery list. And really it gets boring, really fast. You want to give the reader more, so they can create a personal attachment to the story. And the grocery list style gives them nothing to relate to/ want to relate too.

Your vocabulary is repetitive and boring in this piece, to be truthful.

After my 4 hour shift, I was happy and already my old self, confident, loud, happy self.


These are a lot of adjectives in one sentence that really do absolutely nothing. You give us no proof that this girl is happy, or loud, or confident. She's sort of a stick figure moving through the scenes of this list. There is no meat on her bones at all.

I'm not even going to discuss how many times you used the word beautiful. If you always use beautiful to describe basic things, that gets boring. WHAT is beautiful, and WHY is it beautiful.

A thesaurus would serve you well here.

Good luck.

Kamas
"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world - not even our troubles." ~ Charles Chaplin

#tnt




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HI Can you please PM me and tell me whats happening because I think I get the idea so this girl goes to live with these people that are really rich and nice then there's also this guy whos looking for a queen in America. Then she is in her room and this girl is there too she is trying to talk to this girl then she passes out and is on a bus that is on fire. ya I really need your help if you don't hurry I'll be thinking about this for days and days! HURRY!!!!!!!!
"Characters cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." Helen Keller




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I love this story Lillian its so cute :)
"Love is only a chapter in a guy's life , For a girl its the whole book <3 "




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You really are telling us, instead of showing us.
Give us more detail, more emotion.
Without it, your peice will be lonely and empty.

Your MC, seems flat and 2d. Give the character some personality, maybe a name.

On the whole, it was slighty confusing, so slow down.
~WickedWonder
'We will never believe again, kick drum beating in my chest again, oh, we will never believe in anything again, preach electric to a microphone stand.'

*Formerly wickedwonder*



Once you have read a book you care about, some part of it is always with you.
— Louis L'Amour