Jumping Blind #3 [Dogs of War Contest]

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This is the final piece! Yay! Apologies again for it being so long... Anywho, thanks for taking a look at it. Here are the first, topic69644.html, and second parts, topic69645.html.

Sandar and Zaef walked through a small gap in the wall of an adjacent tunnel and right into the central chamber, everyone else following. The chamber went quiet as the newcomers got the accusing attention of those who had been there for only minutes longer, yet still were able to feel some sort of ownership over the sanctuary.
“Start opening the portal. We don't have long before the find out we are gathering here.” Said Sandar to the room.
Most of those in the room looked taken aback as they recognized Sandar. There was a sudden rush as everyone went to work. Guards to the great iron doors, and magicians getting to work on starting up the device. There was a great bang as the doors shut. A couple magicians started the process of sealing them, the metal on the doors twisting and together at the seams. Once they finished this task they walked over to the hole in the wall and started casting a spell, filling it up with raw power and sealing off the end on inside of the chamber. When triggered it would take out any magic users on the inside of the tunnel.
Zaef ran up to Sandar. "The portal is just about ready. Once it activates everyone will know we are here. If what I've been told is correct, every bit of wiring built into the ground of the caverns and tunnels will light up, reaching even though the floor."
"Yes, it should do that at least."
They both turned around to look at the opening of the device. It had never been tested, all of it was theoretical. An eery humming filled the room as the device warmed up, it was obvious that it could be heard throughout the system of caverns, because shouting was audible as soldiers reached the iron doors.
“There is no way that they can halt the start up sequence now?” Zaef asked, worried.
“No, all the energy is drained immediately, now it runs on energy from within the void.” Sandar answered.
The void...what a bleak term for a concept so amazing. But the aristocrats had to have their fun or they would get bored. No one wanted a bored aristocrat.
There was a sudden whooshing sound, as if the air was being sucked from within the cavern. It only lasted a second, but when his attention returned to the device's maw he saw a wide expanse of darkness, spotted with little pinpricks of light.
Everyone in the room stopped what they were doing and turned around to look at what was happening. A couple people gasped. Someone started to clap, but it died when their mind returned to the current situation.
Sandar walked around to the back of the device and took three metal rods out of his jacket pocket. Each had a gemstone set into the head, beacons he called them. They were to make sure that it was possible to find one's way back to the device.
Placing them into the corresponding sockets at the back, he then walked back to the rest of the group. Looking around quickly to find the best leaders in the group, he picked out the captain of the guards and the second highest ranking magician.
“Gorban! Xazi! Come over here.”
He handed Gorban the green studded rod, and Xazi the blue, while Sandar kept the purple.
“We will be separating into three groups to increase chance of survival. The rods will direct the holder of them towards the corresponding rods in this room for when we return.” Sandar quickly explained.
Gorban, the tall burly guard, nodded, but said nothing. Xazi took the rod with curiosity, turning it over and over in his hands.
“This is incredible. Can I...” Xazi started.
“No taking it apart, I will find out if you do.” Sandar interjected. Xazi shrugged and stuck it in his pocket.
"So, in case there were any doubts, the plan is to get out of here, gather ourselves, and return when the time is right." Said Sandar.
"How do we know that the time is right. When we are powerful enough to return and take this place back?" Asked Gorban.
"Yes. However time is of the essence, we do not want them to start colonizing other worlds while we are gone." Answered Sandar.
"This is assuming that we even survive..." Said Xazi. No one else responded, there wasn't any need. They all just went back to work after a moments silence, either it would work or it wouldn't, standing around talking wouldn't help anyone.

The next few minutes were a crazy blur, group leaders gathering and organizing the rest of everyone else into groups. Sandar also allowed Quartz to bandage his foot after sending the mage to deal with those that were worse off.
“Everyone needs to separate into their groups so we know everyone has a way out of here!” Sandar shouted above the din. He was thoroughly ignored so he looked around for someone who could get everyone's attention. There was a woman off to one side, leaning on the wall of the cavern. She seemed very relaxed about the whole thing, she was just standing there, looking at something in her hands.
“You want the attention of everyone? Seems a bit greedy.” She laughed, looking up. “But I can help. The name is Zaria by the way.”
Putting two fingers to her mouth, she whistled. The sound was sharp and piercing echoing off the walls repeatedly. “Please pay attention now, Sandar has something to say. Thank you.” She made a little mock bow and returned to her previous position.
“Thank you Ms Zaria. Yes, well, everyone needs to gather into their groups, we need to organize and leave soon.” The statement was brought home with a bang on the large metal doors. “The wards on the doors won't hold much longer, now go!”
Mayhem continued as people gathered into groups.
“Stunningly impressive good sir, you should try inducing havoc more often.” Zaria sarcastically stated.
Whats wrong with her. Sandar thought.
“Oh, its nothing, I'm just getting stuck in a war zone, thats all.” Zara shot back at him as she was walking away.
Sandar jumped. Great, she can read minds too. Finally, with his attention back on the situation at hand, he noticed that all the parties were gathered in a semblance of organization.
“Okay everyone, I will go through with the first group, Xazi with the second, and Gorban with the third.” Sandar said in a normal voice, everyone was listening now. “Any questions?”
“So...how painful will it be?” shouted a man at the back.
"Don't worry about it! Its just like jumping off a cliff...except you don't know whats at the bottom." Said a guard sarcastically. More people started muttering about it, but they stopped as Sandar started speaking.
“It shouldn't be painful, but if you don't want to risk it, there are soldiers outside who would be happy to torture you until you give up the location of everyone else. Sadly you won't know where anyone else is, so that won't help you too much.” Sandar answered irritably. “Any more questions? No? Well then, lets get a move on.”
He stepped forward towards the device, it was still humming, and the things visible on the other side seemed to stretch.
“We will need to hold hands, separation is more likely if we do not.” Sandar said worriedly.
There was some grumbling in the ranks, but everyone did as they were told. The entire group stepped forward in a bunch, like a monster that had so many limbs that it had forgotten about over ninty percent of them.. He reached out with his hand and touched the glassy surface, it rippled and tugged him forward. He looked back once and saw Zaria pulling the rest of the chain she was apart of, forward. He tried to shout out, but he was pulled through suddenly into a deep cold ocean of darkness. The world around him slowed, he couldn't breath. With his free hand he clutched at his throat. Then suddenly he felt a warm wash of energy flow from the rod in his hand. It jerked forward, and the person holding onto his other hand let go, he felt himself fall. Sticking out his arms to break the fall he landed on soft ground. He rolled onto his back and opened his eyes, the sky above him was covered in dark black clouds with lighting streaking across every which way. As he watched the clouds turned a sort of blue and his vision blurred and everything went black.
-[user]Isaac[/user]




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Heyyy.



Most of those in the room looked taken aback as they recognized Sandar. - this is an old grieviance, right? =)


The void...what a bleak term for a concept so amazing.
But the aristocrats had to have their fun or they would get bored. No one wanted a bored aristocrat. - don't get it; would haveto pause and think about it.


"Don't worry about it! Its just like jumping off a cliff...except you don't know whats at the bottom." - loved that


SO basically I think that the scope of this is too big. On the on hand, it has too many words, it's too long (and that's just this odd feeling I have). Too many things drag on, don't happen here (the journey to part III). It just goes on. I mean, I can read it, fine, can even enjoy particular sentences, apsects; but where contributing to the end? It just doesn't do anything.

So, so, I'd scrap some things. Shorten this. I think I I singled out some scenes/parts before - choose more, maybe. Don't beafraid to use those scissors. Because amid all this, the actual story sometimes becomes lost (and then there are pleas
to clarify at some points, yeah?)

Some I singled out, I said. Another thing. I can't decide whether I approve or not of using so many different names, showing so any different people (when in the end, Sandar is Number One [really tell us who he is]). It was - unique. I think that did make this piece unique, and so that weighs in favor of yes, it was cool. All those secondary chars had very nice intros and stood out (even the Quartz joke I didn't get): the reader appreciates it. The only thing to that which I'd like to see is Sandar's role emphasized. Don't let him get lost among those other people, OK? I mean, he isn't; but add a few sentences here or there about him, about his character - it'll take care of that character development and this little issue here.


Right, back to shortening: shortening has a lot to do with pace. I mean, as is, with all these words, it's fine - it's a fine piece of work. But it intrudes with tension, the culumination of the story: that last part of the story. That solution. There is, for example, that big caves scene which encompasses the whole of part 2 almost. Again, as I already think I said, it can be there; fine. I don't altogether dislike it. But how does it contribute to the ending? To the building up of the tension? Reminder: the magics of that scene I frowned upon (healers healing and basically zero chances of problems; what problems existed, easily taken care of). I mean, if you deleted it, would anything happen? No. Would it be missed? No. WOuld there be this big gap? Would the ending be comopletely ununderstandable? No.

Back to the grocery list thingy. You can add a grocery list in the middle of the cave-in. Sure. But how woudl it contribute?

So tension: how The Device was portrayed. That I absolutely did not like, but have already ranted on. Big big thing that has to be changed. I mean, the rest - do whatever you want, I only suggest. But there, dear writer, I order. Kay?

The Journey Scene, again. I'm becoming a harpy here. The Journey scene. Little contributions: perhaps showing us what a good leader Sandar is,e tc. Well, put that to work, apply it to the original fight in part one. Just a random thought. Oh, another one: did we ever find out? The crystals? Shipment? The Project? (ciiiviiiliiaans?) Might have lost oit along the way. If yes, sorry, my bad. Oh. One more thing: colonizing of other worlds (first mention of it in this story, at the very end? You're pulling my leg. Delete this. Unrealistic! c'moon!)

Open ending? =)


Overall, nice, nice piece of work! I did enjoy reading it very much (and despite appearances, I did smile at Zaria's mind reading thing: just Quartz's intro I didn't like!)

Oh the tension thingy which I just left left. You know how this ends (regarldless of the open thing). Let's say the make it (I believe so). But, till that part, make it seem they don't make it. It's defeat waiting for them at the end (well, fine, little glimmer of hope). What I'm saying is, throughout reading this, I had the distinct feeling they'll be okay - and that was a deal-breaker. I wanna be scared for them, etc., and I can't be in such a situation! (healers in Journey, hint, hint - oh, consider cutting that journey thing and focusing on part 1, 3). And The Device intro in part 1.

Lovely!


Cheers,
Esme



No one achieves anything alone.
— Leslie Knope