Glass

I wrote this, and thought that I wasn't going to post it, but one of my friends really liked it and told me to post it. So here it is. I hope you like it too. If you don't, feel free to trash it. (What do my friends know?)

----------------------------------

I saw the faces of those I knew.
I wondered why they looked right through me.

I was like a lonely piece of glass,
who only wanted someone there.
Where now have you gone?
Am I so foul you ran away?

Again I knew you looked at air,
when our eyes gazed at each other.

So many times I felt like glass,
that was never able to be tinted.
I tried to bend into what you may use,
but now I know I will only break.

Phoenix lands to review

I saw the faces of those I knew.

I wandered why they looked right through me.

This seems a bit wordy in comparison to the rest of the poem. I think you can simplify it.

I was like a lonely piece of glass,

I think you can expand on this idea with other lines. Right now I don't really see it.


Okay this is good but I think you can expand on the imagery a little more. This will probably make the piece a little longer but it will make things more clear.

Hope I helped.

Phoenix flies away

I saw the faces of those I knew.
I wandered wondered why they looked right through me.

A haunting beginning, but we can improve it. Line two "I wondered...through me." can be rephrased and shortened to make it meatier and more powerful.

I was like a lonely piece of glass,
who only wanted someone there.
So where now have you gone?*1
Am I so foul you ran away?*2

I don't quite understand how glass can be lonely, so it makes me question the comparison. And while I realize that you wanted to preserve the use of glass throughout the piece, it would make more sense to use something more...well, sensible. The tense-change in the middle of the stanza from past to present threw me off. And the last line is awkward to me.
*1: Notice that I inserted a word at the beginning. It makes for a smoother transition between statements and questions. I think you'll approve.
*2: It's awkward. Maybe it's the word "foul". Just try changing it around, but if it doesn't work for you, then so be it.

Again, I knew you looked at air,
when our eyes gazed at each other.

Cute and haunting. No complaints.

So many times I felt like glass,
that was never able to be tinted.
I tried to bend into what you may use,
but now I know I will only break.

My favorite stanza. It's meaningful and deep. Keep it. It actually sounds like something religious.

Altogether:

I don't really have much to say about it... It was good poetry. Just fix the comma explosions and take into consideration some rewording in a few places and it'll be golden.

-Lumiface

First I like the concept, and I haven't read any of the other reviews so sorry If I repeat them. I like how you compared him to glass. (For some reason I feel like it is a him) But you don't seem to be able to keep it throughout the whole poem.
I think you could really expand on this poem.

kingolions wrote:I saw the faces of those I knew.
I wandered I think you meant wondered. why they looked right through me. This line is longer than the others. It doesn't flow smoothly.
I was like a lonely piece of glass,
who only wanted someone there.
Where now have you gone?
Am I so foul you ran away? O.K. I feel stupid, but I don't get these last two lines. From this poem I am picturing people, people who look right through him. Did they care at one point? Before these two lines I thought they never cared. Besides all that they seem to be lacking smoothness. You need to add something... or take away something.

Again I knew you looked at air,
when our eyes gazed at each other. I love these two lines <3 But I don't like how you changed tenses.

So many times I felt like glass,
that was never able to be tinted.
I tried to bend into what you may use,
but now I know I will only break.

Hope I helped, A. S.

Oh my! I can sense a feeling of rejection here. Its good that I understand how you feel. HOWEVER, this poem can be more effective if you polish some words that speaks about your emotions. It would be a nice poem after if you do that,!

kingolions wrote:I saw the faces of those I knew.
I wandered why they looked right through me.

I was like a lonely piece of glass,
who only wanted someone there.
Where now have you gone?
Am I so foul you ran away?

Again I knew you looked at air,
when our eyes gazed at each other.

So many times I felt like glass,
that was never able to be tinted.
I tried to bend into what you may use,
but now I know I will only break.

love love love love love love love love it. end of story.

Hi Kingolions,
I thought it was a pretty good poem! Didn't mind it too much! But here are some things that could use touching up:

I love the meaning behind the first two lines, but agreeing with the others, shorten the second. Maybe question it: "Why did they look through me?" Maybe something like that. I don't really understand the next two lines:

kingolions wrote:I was like a lonely piece of glass,
who only wanted someone there.

Some asked this: "How is glass lonely?" I don't get it either. And how does glass want someone there. Maybe your emotions have become a bit too mixed up in symbolism. But, I still like the sybolism. You could probably start comparing yourself to the transparancy of glass, not the loneliness of it.

I loved the 7th and 8th lines. I thought they were really good. A feeling of sadness there, greatly accomplished! The 11th line though doesn't quite make sense.

kingolions wrote:I tried to bend into what you may use,

Glass can't really bend...may want to re-think that. But otherwise, I felt that is was really good. Maybe explain more how your like glass, that'll give the poem a greater sense of depth that I think many of us may like, and it'll put more understanding and emotion into the poem. Good work! Best wishes for the future!

Hey kingolions!

I'm trying to find a rubbish bin but I can't find one! Jokes. I know, it must be getting annoying hearing these lame jokes at the beginning of my reviews now it's just I look at how you say "Trash it" or "Burn it" and I think of a joke and I need someone to hear it so I include it into my review which is quite stupid because everything I am just typing is going towards my characters that I've typed and what do you know, I'm already at 455 characters that's not including the characters 4, 5 and 5 but if you insist then four hundred and fifty five. Okay, enough with the rambling and rambling and droning and rambling and rambling and, opps, there I go again. TO THE REVIEW! *points up and runs off*

You know I technically don't have to write a review because I've already accumulated enough characters to count this as a review but as I am a generous person *cough, cough* I'd be happy to review this poem. Fantastic. Brilliant. Excellent. Magical. Exquisite. Magnificent. There I go again, I don't know why I keep doing this. This is a fine piece of work you have here. It was written amazingly, probably one of my most favourite pieces of yours. It flowed well, I give you that, but I didn't like the stanzas. I felt a bit weird going from a two-lined stanza to a four-lined stanza than back and back again. It just felt weird for me or maybe that's just me. I think it is. Hmmmmmmm...

Okay, if I could help out with anything it would be one thing:

I wandered why they looked right through me.

This line makes no sense as it has quite a large grammatical error on it. Can you see it? It's right there *points*. Still can't? Okay, I'll tell you. I think you meant wondered rather than wandered. I do hope you know the difference otherwise I would then have to tell you it and I've already wasted enough of your time making you read this.

But maybe that was my plan all along...
MWAHAHAHA!
-R.O.C.