[September Contest] ad undas

Companion poem to de profundis.

do not linger: the waves will not wait, only break
over your blue-eyed sons and sing
to them of the cold, silent depths of
the ocean, of the nameless abysses that lie
waiting, free from walls and dreams and regrets.

all these things you did not know, or would not tell:
the ruins above and the murmurs below, the living
darkness and the lulling dances of lights they will never
see—those are the stories the waves will tell,
as they seep through thin cracks in the glass and ask
what need have you of eyes? there are no skies but us.

you have seen the truth; seen how the children turn their heads
to the sound of metal creaking under the sea's weight,
you have touched the fine, nascent webbing of their fingers;
heard them breathe in slow alien rasps and dolorous gasps.

this dark, brand new world is not yours: this is what the waves say
tonight as the lights flicker, will say tomorrow when they die.
do not linger; this

is not for you.

Spoiler

first draft, fixed for flow

do not linger: the
waves will not wait, only break
over your blue-eyed sons and sing
to them of the cold, silent depths of
the ocean, of the nameless abysses that
lie waiting, free from any walls or regrets.
these things you do not know, or will not tell:
the ruins above and the murmurs below, the living
darkness and the lulling dances of lights they will never
see—those are the stories the waves will tell, as they seep
through thin cracks in the glass and say you have no sky but us.
you have seen how the children turn their heads
to the sound of metal creaking under the sea's
weight, you have touched the fine, nascent
webbing of their fingers. this dark, brand
new world is not yours: this is what the
waves say tonight, will say tomorrow,
when you are gone. do not linger;
this is not for you.

Hello my dear,

It's quite obvious why you have no reviews, it's too awesome for anyone to comprehend. Either that, or they're frightened by the Latin.

Anywho, your flow is genius. It doesn't rhyme, but it has a pattern. Your narrative defies the boundaries of just words. I don't believe there is anything that can be improved upon.

Perhaps, I review it in more detail later.

Write On!
Lette

Hello Jag. Here as I said I'd be.

Thanks to the edits, this poem is lovely. The problems where I was jerked out before are mostly fixed. I just see two spots I don't like as much as the rest of the poem:

Spot 1-

you have seen the truth; seen how the children turn their heads
to the sound of metal creaking under the sea's weight,
you have touched the fine, nascent
webbing of their fingers.

This just feels thin, to me. It is a complete idea when looked at more closely, but on first glance it doesn't feel complete. The short, final two lines seem broken for no reason. This illogical break, and how the idea isn't continued to the next stanza, pulls me out of the poem ever so slightly.

I'd pull some of line 4 up onto line 3, and add in a third thing that sets these children as alien (maybe bringing in the eyes more strongly? It was a pretty passed-over mention before) to make this stanza feel complete. You'd probably be able to keep it as four lines— it's mostly the line length making it feel short and incomplete.

Spot 2-

do not linger; this

is not for you.

I think the close of the poem would be that much stronger if "this" was moved to the new stanza. You have the semicolon to mark that the idea is not yet finished, and that's all I think you need. Also, "this" is such a short word I almost skip over it when reading. By moving it to the next line/stanzas, it's more likely to be noticed. I also like the chilling note "this is not for you" has as a parting note for the poem.

Again, lovely poem. I enjoyed how it expanded on the setting of de profundis, making the whole world rather complete (for the space you were allotted). However, this poem can also stand on its own. Nice work.

Hope this helps, and good luck! Drop me a line if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey

Jagged -

I will begin by saying I have not fully read 'de profundis' - I mean, properly, slowly read it - but from first impressions, I remember preferring this poem to the story. I think there was a bizarreness to the story that I just didn't mesh with well, but that you can convey much more smoothly here.

do not linger: the waves will not wait, only break
over your blue-eyed sons and sing
to them of the cold, silent depths of
the ocean, of the nameless abysses that lie
waiting, free from walls and dreams and regrets

Not particularly exciting, as far as opening stanzas go, but a hint of better things to come, so I shall read on. What I like about the way you write is how little you veer into frivolous things like wordplay and trying to be overly creative with your vocabulary, and you just say it like it is and the flow pulls us through on its own.

lulling dances of lights

I object to 'lulling dances of lights'. Exactly what I said yo didn't do above. Actually, I object to the use of the word 'dancing' in general in a poem - although I myself have shamelessly used it in the past. There is an unmatched cliche to this word, one that most substitute in when unsure of what the verb they really want is.

you have seen the truth; seen how the children turn their heads
to the sound of metal creaking under the sea's weight,
you have touched the fine, nascent webbing of their fingers;

Fine. Not terrifically elegant of enchanting (I mean, this is, after all, such a tricky topic to write about!), but smooth, until---

alien rasps and dolorous gasps.

Ahem. I thought we were past the pretentious intelligence and wordplay, miss?

do not linger;

this is not for you.

I actually rather liked the 'this' being on the previous line. I paused at it appropriately in reading and it provided a kind of well-mastered drama to the last line before reaching it. Like a catch of one's breath, and then the final exhalation. As it stands here, it's not bad - just doesn't do as much for me as your prior arrangement.

Anyway. Just some thoughts. I marvel at your courage at attempting this whole thing in the first place - I took one look at topics from the random theme generator and turned away.

De toute facon. Tu dois ecrire plus - ou, au moins, me donner plus poemes. Ils me manque.


Navita