Jumping Blind #1 [Dogs of War Contest]

Hey, I seem to have run out of friends and family who are willing to review this behemoth. Thanks for the reviews if you are willing to, but I realize this is long. Please rip it to shreds, the purpose of a review isn't to be nice, its to be helpful . Happy shredding!

Chapter 1: Jumping Blind
Leaning across a large gap in the metal caging Sandar Ortano placed one of the power crystals into a copper socket. The smooth blue stone was incredibly light, fragile, and most of all, expensive. It made the copper wiring around it glow with a strange intensity as he placed it in the cold coated shell. He climbed down and turned around to see one of his formen standing paciently off to the side, leaning against the cave wall.
“Sir, the new shipment of crystals is here.” The messenger said. “They want your signature.”
The man was about to walk of again when he stopped and turned around to hand Sandar a letter.
"I almost forgot, this came from the capitol."
“Tell them I'll be a moment. I need to power the crystals up if we are going to run a test today.” Sandar answered as he started climbing down from the immense frame. He stuck the letter into his pocket for later. Since he still wanted to try sending a bird through the Caster that morning, he had to set the copper wires in place so that the Caster could use the stored energy. The the wolfhound that had been sent through the day before hadn't hit the target world, so after some recalibration they were going to try again.
He stood up a little straighter as he left the small side chamber to the entrance tunnel. There were a good two dozen guards standing along each wall of the tunnel. It was such a cramped space that most of them had short swords, but there were a couple spears, and a few of the guards had short bows. None of them had flashy clothing, in fact they wore the similar brown garment underneath the standard issue haubergeon, chausses and helm. A couple of the magicians wearing the red headband of the warrior mages stood in a small cluster off to the side. They were all stuck with cavern duty, the hole straight to hell for one's career. It was probably why so many of them were always in such a bad mood. Six or more months away from families, and they didn't even get rewarded for it. He had no authority over the guards however. Even the Lords Common didn't have any control over soldiers. Sandar was only a civilian, a citizen engineer specialized in magical manipulators of the natural world. But if he ever actually needed their aid he would prefer to have their respect and trust. He took a left and walked towards the entrance to the caves, in the other direction were more tunnels and caverns, all of them eventually leading to the Caster itself.

Walking over to the large oak and iron studded gate that guarded the cave he realized that there was something wrong. The crew that delivered all their previous materials had been replaced by a more brutish crowd, not the kind that you would ever expect to see toting around delicate pieces of stone. There were also many more of them, around fourty, about twice as many as usual. Most of them carried a sword or spear. The leader of the group was a captain with the purple collar of the trade guards, and a sword that was belted over his unbuttoned thick winter coat. He had a stern, cold face, like one that was easy to imagine being on an excecutioner.
“I'm sorry Captain, Engineer Ortano cannot be here to sign, but he has given me permission to do so.” Sandar said, calmly. The men around him looked startled for a moment, but they hid their surprise quickly without the Captain noticing.
“I see,” The Captain responded, his voice guarded. “I shall just take my men inside then while I wait. I cannot take the signature of an inferior.”
“I'm sorry, but Engineer Ortano said that your force must remain outside.”
"I would rather put my men inside, we do our best to avoid the cold if we can."
"No, the tunnel is warm enough. We cannot risk your men accidentally breaking something or getting into trouble. This is final."
The Captain's posture change completely, from slightly annoyed to aggressive. He drew his sword and took out two of the guards standing in front of him in one smooth movement. The rest of his men followed his lead and hacked their way past the few guards that had been stationed at the entrance.
It was if the incident had caused an explosion as men flew in all directions, their legs powered by nothing more than fear. Sandar jumped back as one of the soldiers came for him. There was no time to go for a weapon, so Sandar cast a spell as another soldier swung at the head of one of the defenders. Several things happened at once; the sword stopped in mid air, and the soldier who had been coming for Sandar stumbled, falling into the semisolid line of advancing soldiers.
Overhead it was possible to see coal blackened figures dropping through the air vents on long ropes.
The guards that had responded backed up now, retreating to the next room. People ran hell bent on getting through before they blocked the entrance. Shouts and screams echoed throughout the cavern as soldiers and civilians were dropped by the attackers. Sandar looked up to check the progress of the soldiers using the vents. As one of them dropped down to the floor, Sandar took the force of his fall and slammed it into one that was just emerging from the vent. The man fell screaming to the floor. Sandar shuddered as he heard a crunching impact and retreated back to the next room. A couple other magicians had gathered and were starting the blocking process. The ceiling was already sagging; only a minute left.
The enemy in the front moved to the sides and started to run. From behined them emerged two ranks of crossbowmen only a couple meters away. The first rank kneeled and both ranks prepared to fire. Sandar threw up a physical shield, bolstering it with a cavern wall perpendicular to the crossbowmen. A moment later there was the fatal repeating snaping sound of thirty crossbows firing. The sounds reverberated in the tunnel making a horrible deathrattle as three laborers, and two soldiers were dropped with bolts to the stomach, or legs. Another bolt sliced the neck of a mage and struck the helm of a guard, knocking him out cold. The rest of the bolts were dropped by Sandar's shield; it was next to impossible to miss at that short of range.
People flung themselves across the threshold and some of the others helped them get out of the way. Everyone accept the soldiers and mages started to panic and run down the tunnel towards the rest of the adjoining caverns, away from the attackers.
There was a crunching sound as the rocks above started to fall. A few more civilians made it across, leaving a dozen too far away to make it. As the rocks were about ten feet above the ground, the magicians started pulling part of the force of their fall away and throwing it down on the heads of the incoming soldiers. As it hit them, they dropped and rolled, the added force throwing a many of them across the threshold, but crushing all of the others underneath the falling rocks.
The soldiers that had made it across blasted upward off their rolls and attacked the retreating laborers, civilian mages, and engineers. The cavern guards now outnumbered the enemy, but they hadn't seen battle in months and many were out of shape. Even though the mages and Sandar were tired, they redirected blows and tripped up the attackers until they had won. Sandar had worked with cogs and wheels in a graniary at one point, so he took the rotating swing of a axe and broke the wrist of another soldier. Even with their extensive help they lost a guard when an enemy soldier was thrown thrown by multiple mages and the enemy managed to get their spear up in time to catch the guard in the stomach.
"Stop! Don't kill them." Sandar shouted as many of the people ran back to the pinned soldiers with rocks, knifes, or swords. "They might save our lives later on if we have them to bargain with. Bind them and take them with us."
There was muttering to this throughout the group.
"What if they somehow get loose, we'll just be stabbed in the back." One of the soldiers said.
"We can't show mercy to them, for Algothar they don't even react when one of them," The guard shifted nervously as he glanced at a couple of the battle mages. "breaks a neck with the force from their own weapon!
"We can set it so that if the spell bindings are broken, they die. Good enough?"
"No, they will just slow us down if we try and escape through an emergency tunnel. We cannot afford to bring them with us. Anyway, even if we bring them along, from the looks of this group they won't care if we have prisoners. They aren't paid for companionship, they are paid to get a job done." Said Ulvar, another of the mages.
This felt wrong. But Ulvar was right, they couldn't risk it. Better them then us...
"Fine, but you can be the one to get your hands bloody. I want no part of it." Sandar said, resigned.
Sandar turned away and started to walk down the tunnel towards the next cavern, trying to escape the sounds of the execution without attracting too much attention to it.
Disaproving, make it seem disaproving. It wasn't cowardice. I should be used to this, even if it has been many years. I fought once, too. It couldn't be cowardice. It just wasn't right, killing prisoners. That was all.
He had barely gone two paces when he heard the prisoners hit the floor. No sickening sound of a blade going through mail and skin and muscle, just a thump as the bodies hit the dirt and crushed stone of the tunnel floor.

Hey there, Isaac

I'm here to review as requested! Can I just say that you avatar is really cute... I have a thing for cats! I haven't been the first to review something in a while, so I'm glad that I won't end up repeating what's already been said. I'll start this off with any nit-picks that I have for you.

He stuck the letter into his pocket for later.

As he set his feet back on solid ground, he looked up towards the high ceiling of the cavern that the project was contained in.

Lanterns dotted the walls and two large fire-pits also contributed to the light that flickered across the walls.

The repetition of the word walls stuck out to me here. I think you should replace the second one with the word them.

Walking over to the large oak and iron studded gate that guarded the cave, he realized that there was something wrong.

Most of them carried a sword or spear. Sandar almost expected them to be wearing armor along with that plate of confidence that they wore.

But they couldn't afford armour because they were workmen.

“I see,” The Captain responded, his voice guarded. “I shall just take my men inside then while I wait. I cannot take the signature of an inferior.”

It was if the incident had caused an explosion as men flew in all directions, their legs powered by nothing more than fear.

Several things happened at once; the sword stopped in mid air, and the soldier who had been coming for Sandar stumbled, falling into the semi-solid line of advancing soldiers.

Shouts and screams echoed throughout the cavern as soldiers and civilians were dropped by the attackers.

As one of them dropped down to the floor, Sandar took the force of his fall and slammed it into one that was just emerging from the vent.

People flung themselves across the threshold as the last seconds ticked by. Sandar and some of the others helped them get out of the way.

As the rocks were about ten feet above the ground, the magicians started pulling part of the force of their fall away and throwing it down on the heads of the incoming soldiers. As it hit them, they dropped and rolled, the added force throwing a many of them across the threshold, but crushing all of the others underneath the falling rocks.

Curse them, they are good. I wonder who funded it... No one inside the government, no matter how much they want me gone.

Who was actually thinking this? I'd like for you to make it clearer.

The mages turned on them instantly however, and since they were so far outnumbered, they were quickly disarmed and subdued.

"Stop! Don't kill them." Sandar shouted as many of the people ran back to the pinned soldiers with rocks, knifes, or swords. "They might save our lives later on. Bind them and let's move on."

"We can set it so that if the spell bindings are broken, they die. Good enough?"

"No, they will just slow us down. We cannot afford to bring them with us. Anyways, even if we bring them along, from the looks of this group, they won't care if we have prisoners. They aren't paid for companionship, they are paid to get a job done." Said Ulvar, another of the mages.

No sickening sound of a blade going through mail, skin and muscle, just a thump as the bodies hit the dirt and chipped the stone of the tunnel.

Three of the guards had a map and were argueing over something off to the side, away from the rest of the group. Sandar walked over and they looked up as he approached. One of them turned the map over.

"It's okay, it's Sandar," one of them said.

"We aren't getting a response from caverns three, four, six, and nine. We know that one and eight are gone. There is still fighting in five and seven. We have secured two, ten, and the central chamber," one of the soldiers explained. H he had the eagle insignia of a captain sewn onto a strip of cloth around his wrist.

I always find that using words instead of numbers make stories look a lot better, unless it's a date in a diary entry or something.

"It could work, it's risky. But it looks to be the only way out." Sandar responded, after a moments thought.

You don't need the last comma I highlighted in red. I've also noticed you punctuating It's wrong. Remember, It's is It is. Therefore, you need an apostrophe between the t and the s.

"I don't like it, it's too risky." Stated the officer. "But I'll go with it, if it's the only way out."

And again.

"Actually it's not," said a man from the shaddows.

The officer spun around, took one look at the man, and pushed him away. "Get away scum. You don't belong around real soldiers, rock dwarf."

"Thank you, good sir. What is your name, by the way?" Sandar inquired.

Overall

Now that the nit-picks are over, I can get onto the most important bit; my overall impression on this piece. I have to admit, although I normally don't like reading this kind of thing at all, this was a good read. I normally have an issue with soldiers, wars, and junk like that, but this piece didn't bore me as much as I expected it to. That's a really good thing, by the way. Your descriptions were very good, I think, and I like the way you portrayed a lot of things. The descriptions were vivid, interesting, and they didn't bore me. You had a good balance with your descriptions; you didn't overuse them, but you didn't use too little of them. As for your spelling, there were a few errors that I did notice. I'm assuming that you write this on MicrosoftWord, right? Or something like that. If that is the case, there's bound to be a spell checker on the programme. You should use that to check that all of your words are spelt right before posting them here on YWS. The same goes for your grammar. I did find quite a lot of misused commas and other small grammatical errors.

My main critique about this is about the grammar and spelling. I basically want to let you know that you need to make sure that you practice it as often as you can. The main grammatical errors that I found was your use of commas. You seemed to miss out a lot of commas where you needed them. I'm not going to lie when I say that commas are a really hard thing to deal with. I myself still can't use them very well, if I'm honest. What I recommend for you to do is to maybe find a good article or something that gives you advice on how to use commas. I would give you one myself, but I'm not sure where I can find a decent one. There's bound to be a good one here on YWS, you should look around. There were a few other minor grammar issues like the way you used and spelt It's. Just remember that It's is basically It is, just written so that it's shorter. Considering there's a letter missing, you have to replace that letter with an apostrophe.

When it comes to the content, I have one small issue, which is basically that I found some parts of this a bit info-dumpish. It sometimes seemed as though you were trying to give us information, not tell us a story. Don't get me wrong, I have seen far worse cases of this. It's just that I can't think of much else to critique about this, so I thought I'd bring this up. What I'm basically trying to tell you that I think you could maybe cut out any parts that you don't think are entirely necessary to this piece. They shouldn't be too hard to find. You just need to read it all out aloud and you should hopefully be able to make out what parts sound a bit sketchy and what parts sound perfectly fine and that seem necessary. If I'm honest, there aren't all that many parts that need editing when it comes to info-dumping, but there was the odd area where I felt that you could have simply gotten rid of. A good thing to always remember is that every line is vital in your story or novel. If that line doesn't add anything to the writing, then you don't really need it.

Negatives aside, I did genuinely think that this was a nice piece of writing. All that you need to do is to take into account what I and other reviewers will, and have, suggested. Once you've done that, edit this up a bit. If you do that, I think that you could end up with a really good piece of writing here.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Wow, that was a great review. Thank you so much! I'm sorry about the grammar though...I'm terribly embarrassed actually. I'm terrible with grammar, and I use OpenOffice, so it doesn't really fix that as well as Microsoft Office does. I'm usually better about it, but with something this long I tend to get a little sloppy. I'll definitely take a look at some things to help with that little problem. Also, there were a couple points where I used Italics in my original piece to show that it was a thought. Those were changed back to normal type once I put them on YWS, I'm not sure why, but it should have been clearer than it ended up being. Ummm, about the info dumping, I'll take a look at that. I think I know what places you are talking about. I'll take a look and try to change that up a bit.
Thanks again!
- Isaac

Hello there, Isaac. You have the dubious honor of being the recipient of my first review with this account. I do hope it finds you well.

Before I start on the story proper, I would like to answer some of your formatting questions. The reason your italics did not stay in was because the text editor does not support rich text formatting. In order to get type effects like bold and italic, you must use the corresponding codes. This also means you must add the codes in manually once you have copy-pasted your text into the editor.

The easiest way to get what needs to be italicized italicized is to highlight the text and then click the corresponding code button located at the top of the post editor.

CodeSelect all

[i]You will end up with something like this.[/i]

See how the tags surround the text? When you submit your post, your text will look like this.

There is also a Preview button near the Submit button. It will show a preview of your post, allowing you to check the formatting before you submit the post proper.

With that said, onto the story!

Sandar Ortano leaned across a large gap in the metal caging in order to place one of the power crystals in place. The smooth blue stone was incredibly light, fragile, and most of all, expensive. It made the copper wiring around it glow with a strange intensity as he placed it in the cold coated shell. The crystalline surface of his focused work was broken with a crash as one of his foremen ran up shouting.

There were a number of things about this paragraph that caught my attention:

Firstly, the opening sentence was not particularly compelling. Your opening sentence is what your reader first sees, and if it fails to make an impression and hold your reader's attention, you risk losing your reader.

Secondly, your descriptions were quite vague. How smooth is "smooth", pray tell? Is it as smooth as a polished gem, or is it the smoothness of satin? Similarly, how blue is "blue"? Is it the blue of the sky on a cloudless day, the blue of a robin's speckled egg, the blue of the strip of sky just above a sunset? Descriptions are the lifeblood of writing; they are what make reading a pleasure and enable your readers to form clear images of what exactly is going on. Vague descriptions lead to vague images, and vague images are easily forgotten for they are not as interesting nor as enrapturing as vivid descriptions.

Thirdly, you have a jump in ideas in this first paragraph. The first sentence introduces Sandar Ortano, the second and third sentences are about the stone, and the fourth is about Sandar's work being interrupted. The issue lies in how there is no mention of Sandar's intense focus upon his work until the last sentence; it was sidetracked by the description of the stone. In addition, describing his work as "crystalline" sent me into a brief state of confusion as I thought you were still describing the stone.

Altogether, this first paragraph does not give a good first impression of your story. The solution is simple (make your story more interesting), but I am sure you are wondering how. Fortunately, I have a few suggestions:

The first and second points can be remedied by using more descriptive and active language. By making your writing more vivid, you make it more interesting. The trick is in learning how to balance essential information with the trappings that make it presentable. Think of descriptions as the wrapping around a present; an unwrapped gift is generally less well-recieved than a wrapped one, though over-wrapped gifts cause their opener frustration. By the same token, writing with too little or too much description can lessen your readers' enjoyment of your work. This leads into my suggestion for the third issue.

One trend I have noticed in a number of writers is the propensity to bury their main points in a deluge of descriptions. By trying to describe everything, the important information that the reader needs to know is lost in an avalanche of ideas which often do not flow well into one another. By spending so much time describing the stone, you failed to include mention of how intensely Sandar was working, which lead to a perceived jump in ideas. I suggest streamlining your ideas until only the barest, most essential details are laid out in a skeleton and then fitting in details around those main ideas, details which enhance and further emphasize those main ideas. It will make your writing flow more easily in the reading.

I hope you will pardon me for that rather lengthy dissection of your first paragraph. I shall try to keep the rest of this review brief.

Overall, this part felt rushed to me, namely because you were lacking description.

During the fighting, the lack of elaboration made sense as it suited the fast pace of a battle, but even so, the descriptions read as a vague to me, and so I had only a muddled idea of what was going on in the battle. More precision in your descriptions, more vividness, especially in your verbs would help dissolve this fog surrounding the battle. Compare "he saw her moving around the tree" to "he spied her dancing around the sapling" or "he spotted her darting behind the nag". The latter two are more precise in their descriptions and create completely different images simply by substituting more vivid words. By using a precise vocabulary, you can still create that rushed sense of battle while still being extremely descriptive.

In the periods after the battle, however, there was minimal description of the characters and setting. As a result, I had no clear concept of who or where the the characters were. Since the pace of action has slowed, slowing the pace of the narrative enforces and enhances that aspect of the scene, and also works to give your readers a breather after all the action.

Skins has already pointed out most of the errors, but overall, you had a decent grasp of grammar and spelling. A bit more caution when proofreading would not be remiss however as there are some errors I spied that spelling and grammar checkers will not catch. One technique you might try is reading your work aloud; you may be surprised at how differently you perceive your writing when you do so.

In short, you have a solid base with this story so far. There is plenty of action and intrigue already, though this could use some description in appropriate places to even out the pacing.

Hey,

So the beginning drew me right in. I don't care what the others say, I liked that beginning paragraph. To further muddle you up, I do advise you to keep it =)

So, I'm thinking: cool, cool, good, nice, I like it, cool, and then, bam. Dialogue punctuation! Dialogue punctuation! Search YWS with those keywords and 'Demeter', and you'll probably get a very nice article explaining all this. Dialogue punctuation simply cannot be wrong.

Ok, that dialogue itself. Is it necessary? I mean, yes, we writers have an infinite storage of words (where amount is concerned, anyway), but perhaps we shouldn't necessary overuse that. What I mean is, is the messenger man some sort of important character in this story? No. And yet he has so much time in the spotlight. Steals it even. Sidetracks. Irritated. What is he doing there? He can be taken care of in fewer words =)

That idea, already previusly explored, to cut some elements is, I think, a good one. And that was one complicated sentence, that last one.

Also, at one point, a phrase is used that stands out: "That was silly." (It's the paragraph with the workmen intro.) Why? Because the narrator as portrayed till this point wouldn't have used those words, like a toddler wouldn't end up using specialist wording, right? So in that way it stands out. Nowhere else is a world like "silly" used. Just doesn't match with the rest.

Also, I get that Sandar's calm, I do - you have two times: "Sandar said, calmly", one tag of his after another. I won't focus on particular sentences since that seems to be covered up above, but do watch out with that grammar, ok? =)

The men, they're surprised. How many of them are there, by the way? But to the surprise: hired mercenaries they may be, something of the sort. Would
they know all the details of what is happening? WOould they really care who is doing the signing? The leader, obviously, yes, but them? The realism of that
stretches in proportion to the number of men - the more of them there are, the less there is a realistic chance of them knowing or caring.

Defenders. The guards, mages suddenly appear - "the project": words that are hidden among so many other words in some paragraph. It's confusing, I had to
reread, and so I'd clear it up to make re-reading an option not necessity. But to the defenders. Mention them somehow before the actual attack. Mention the existence of mages
on e.g. the coridoor he uses to walk to the signing place, mention those guards. 'Cause they suddenly appear.

Sander. Sander. Sander is, I think, underdeveloped, as the focus was more on the situation rather than his character. Which is, I guess, fine, but do add a few characterizing sentences here and there, some more reaction on his part to make him more 3-d. The twice-calm repetition doesn't do much; he then gives out orders. Then he's resigned. He's also respected (as seen with Agregor). But those are simply stated, and we're told to take it on those words. We don't actually see it happening. We could put any other person in his place and leave the reactions of other characters as they are. So, add those details. Let him I don't know, straighten his back, square his shoulders, have his eyes shien of have a look of something uh whatever, do anything. Make him be more realistic. Put him in that place more firmly.

Who is he, by the way? Refered to as "Sir" by the messenger; underling by those others; clearly takes command later on. The crystals - he's important where those are concerned, and there's mention that he might be killed becauseof who he is. The Goverment's mentioned. It's all muddly, kind of like my chaotic critique. It's mysterious in a bad way. I don't know what's happening; can't hold on to the water, it's slipping through my fingers.

He's goody-good. Doesn't want unnecessary casualties. Blah. Delete that. C'moon. In fact, I'd delete that whole talking scene, those other names which I cannot remember and which I really don't have to, I realize as I read downward. They're not needed. They don't add anything to the story.

Oh he tries to escape "sounds of execution". Goody-good, did I say?

Basically he seems to run around with no purpose. Leader? Yes? No? What? His precious crystals? Huh? He isn't, I know he isn't, but we're back to that characterization: give a purpose to his stride, ok?

That crystal part (and here we make a full circle back to the beginning I so liked; a beginning which was, shortly, dropped). That crystal part is not entirely clear. They're given a lot of spotlight in the beginning. Afterward, there's teh attack by the shipment people, and it just frizzles out. I'm left wondering if the subject will be taken up again (and for a long long time it isn't, so even if it is, it will be too late then...). I'm left lost. The project is attacked because of them, right? I'd make that clearer. Project, right? What project?!

They just forgot about the crystals?

Also, attackers. Unclear who it is. Goverment, maybe not... no one wonders about thta? With the exception of that one odd sentence. Strange, strange. Shipment people, yeah.

What's "ediquette'? Typo =)

Only grammatical are the run-on sentences that sometimes appear in the text. Run-ons are sentences in which a comma takes the place of a period - so basically, the sentence continues where it should have ended thanks to that comma. Example: People flung themselves across the threshold as the last seconds ticked by, Sandar and some of the others helped them get out of the way." Solution would be to either split them or simply add a linking word ("and", something like that).

"The Devise". The Lord of the Rings ring. The god/machine saying. C'mooonm, don't, you can do better than that (and yes, you can, as seen with the intro of that other man). Is this part really important? WIll the device play an importand role later on? If not, scrap it. If yes, go about it more subtly. Right now, it's so - so matter-of-fact. I have something that can (exaggeration) destroy the world. Ha. Everyone says: nooo, nooo, we can't use it. But if we do, the situation will
be saved (oh come on).

It kind of kills the tension. I mean, if there is in fact smething they can do... thanks to which they can svae themselves. And the consequences we don't even know. So as a plot device, that Device is pretty low as portrayed here.

"I need to get an explanation for this if we all survive." if we are all to survive this.

Oh this gets me back on track on my rant (and that's prolly ungrammatical, too... oh well). So the device would kill them all? The ultimate sacrifice? Ha pardon me ha ha. It's so melodramatic. I mean, I really like this story, I wouldn't be critiquing this and reading this and trying to impact it however little if I didn't, but the Device
I absolutely hate. I do. I'll repeat it even.

The man that appears with another option. Coolio. Emerson (I loved his name intro, that was very nicely done). Anyway, my point here was: compare this ending to the beginning. One liners here, paragraphs up there. His appearance/dialoge (Emerson's) are taken care of hastily. No? Yes. Build around this with a few sentences (and so finally comes a moment where I advise adding words, not subtracting hah).


Well, that's that. Whew. As ending comments I'll say that I genuinly enjoyed reading this even if the main concept of what was happening wasn't clear to me - that should be more clear. In general the story hooked me in and the ending finally took me by surprise: I was dissapointed it ended so soon. May seem like a lot to improbve looking at the critiques,
but keep in mind that most people only write the lengthir, more critical ones only if the text can actually take it. This can. And you. Leave us with a cliff-hanger?

Cruel, you are.


Cheers,
Esme

I'm going to review this piece-by-piece, but I'll leave the grammar and such to you once you start working on a final draft of this!

Sandar Ortano leaned across a large gap in the metal caging in order to place one of the power crystals in place. The smooth blue stone was incredibly light, fragile, and most of all, expensive.

The first thing I'm going to say here is more of a personal preferance than a literary guideline. I make immediate assumptions about a character (and, by association, the text that he or she inhabits) from his or her name. Such an exotic name, especially situated so as to be the focal point of your opening paragraph, has me a little tripped up. I get this awful pretentious feeling which isn't supported by the rest of your story, but which appears here nonetheless. I don't think you should necessarily change it, but maybe shift it so that the first thing we notice about Sandar isn't his name. Describe him a little--let us make our own assumptions before we are hit with such an unfamiliar name.

In the second part of that same sentence, "place" is redundant.

It made the copper wiring around it glow with a strange intensity as he placed it in the cold coated shell. The crystalline surface of his focused work was broken with a crash as one of his foremen ran up shouting.

I'm having trouble visualizing this. You have a lot of "it"s (one of which, in the first sentence, is misplaced). I think the issue here is your pacing. You are moving through so quickly that the reader hasn't had time to get his bearings as he is acclimating to your world. Slow down! Describe things a little more thoroughly and we will pick up on the nice little details you have in here.

“Sir, the new shipment of crystals is here!” He said. “They want your signature.”

It's a little unclear who is speaking, here. Because you haven't clarified earlier that the foreman isn't just shouting in alarm, it makes me feel as though I might be expecting a reaction from Sandar.

The man was about to run off again when he stopped and turned around to reach up and hand Sandar a letter.

"I almost forgot, this came from the capitol."

The urgency here is out of place. Even if it's super exciting that the crystals are here, the foreman wouldn't be in such a hurry to leave. There is no cue from Sandar here as to why his underlings are behaving so.

I'm also starting to feel a lack of character development by now. You've introduced two people, and I have no way of distinguishing them from one another. I would love it if you could add in some mannerisms, physical characteristics, something to show us what Sandar is like before you start introducing all this action.

"Tell them I'll be a moment.” Sandar answered as he started climbing down from the immense frame. He stuck the letter in his pocket for later. As he set his feet back on solid ground he looked up towards the high ceiling of the cavern that the project was contained in. Lanterns dotted the walls and two large fire-pits also contributed to the light that flickered across the walls. The smoke from the fires was then funneled up through several vents that had been dug into the mountain.

I got the sensation that Sandar was in an office. Now I am completely disoriented as he is climbing down from wherever he is, because I've got to catch up and process a whole new scene. It makes it almost impossible to visualize what is actually going on, apart from the actual act of climbing down.

Walking over to the large oak and iron studded gate that guarded the cave he realized that there was something wrong. The crew that delivered all their previous materials had been replaced by a more brutish crowd, not the kind that you would ever expect to see toting around delicate pieces of stone. Most of them carried a sword or spear, Sandar almost expected them to be wearing armor along with that plate of confidence that they wore. But they couldn't afford armor, they were workmen. That was silly. The head of the group was wearing a captains uniform with the purple collar of the trade guards, and a sword that was belted over his unbuttoned thick winter coat.

This feels tangential. The bit about the armor is unnecessary. Suffice to say that they are armed to the teeth, and that strikes Sandar as odd. Chattering about something unrelated pulls the audience away from the strangeness of Sandar's observations, and distracts from the point you are trying to make.

“I'm sorry Captain, Engineer Ortano cannot be here to sign, but he has given me permission to do so.” Sandar said, calmly. The men around him looked startled for a moment, but they hid their surprise quickly without the Captain noticing.

Since we are not really appraised of what is going on here, this is an awkward paragraph. We haven't seen inside Sandar's mind, or even been given a clue about whatever he's thinking, and so the fact that he's pretending not to be himself is lost on the reader.

“I see.” The Captain responded, his voice guarded. “I shall just take my men inside then while I wait, I cannot take the signature of an inferior.”

Inside where? Again the setting is unclear.

“I'm sorry, but Engineer said that your force must remain outside.” Sandar said, calmly.

He noticed his mistake immediately, using the term “force”, meant that he recognized the threat. No one used such language during a trade. To do so was a breach of ediquete, if not a direct insult. The Captain reacted quickly, drawing his sword and taking out two of the guards standing in front of him. The rest of his men followed his lead and hacked their way past the few guards that had been stationed at the entrance.

I have two issues with your introduction of conflict, here. Firstly, the idea that he would use the term "force" is not far-fetched. You have already explained to the reader that the men were armed beyond normal capacity. However, the fact that it would provoke such a response is really startling to the reader. By just saying "force," he seemingly adds enough fuel to their already tremulous psyches so that they start hacking every which way? They are in territory that does not belong to them, and presumably outnumbered. If Sandar were really that worried, he would have been much more cautious.

It was if the incident had caused an explosion, men flew in all directions, their legs powered by nothing more than fear. Sandar jumped back as one of the soldiers came for him. There was no time to go for a weapon, so Sandar cast a spell as another soldier swung at the head of one of the defenders. Several things happened at once, the sword stopped in mid air, and the soldier who had been coming for Sandar stumbled, falling into the semisolid line of advancing soldiers.

Overhead it was possible to see coal blackened figures dropping through the air vents on long ropes.

The guards that had responded backed up now, retreating to the next room. People ran hell bent on getting through before they blocked the entrance. Shouts and screams eccoed throughout the cavern as soldiers and civilians were dropped by the attackers. Sandar looked up to check the progress of the soldiers using the vents. As one of them dropped down to the floor Sandar took the force of his fall and slammed it into one that was just emerging from the vent. The man fell screaming to the floor. Sandar shuddered as he heard a crunching impact and retreated back to the next room. A couple other magicians had gathered and were starting the blocking process. The ceiling was already sagging; only a couple seconds left.

Whoa we have civilians now? What are they doing in this mine (?). Just hanging around?

And I'm a little confused as to what's happening with the soldiers dropping from the vent. Sandar just lets the guy fall on him? Why doesn't he let him hit the ground? And then deal with the second attacker separately? It seems like too many moving parts to me, especially for someone who is presumably a skilled fighter.

People flung themselves across the threshold as the last seconds ticked by, Sandar and some of the others helped them get out of the way. The enemy soldiers started to run, seeing what was about to take place.

There was a crunching sound as the rocks above started to fall. A few more civilians made it across, leaving a dozen too far away to make it. Sandar heard their screams as soldiers took arms that were futilely held up against incoming blows. As the rocks were about ten feet above the ground the magicians started pulling part of the force of their fall away and throwing it down on the heads of the incoming soldiers. As it hit them they dropped and rolled, the added force throwing a many of them across the threshold, but crushing all of the others underneath the falling rocks.

Curse them they are good. I wonder who funded it... No one inside the government, no matter how much they want me gone.

This is the point where I would stop reading for a couple of reasons.

Firstly, I don't know what's going on. The soldiers and the defenders have become interchangeable, and the civilians added into the mix have me all tangled up.

Secondly, there is no clear strategy here. Soldiers burst in, collapsing the mine onto themselves? Surely there is a more efficient way to do this, especially if they are after the crystals. They already had them in their possession, yea? So what's the idea? Why not just grab and run instead of forcing a confrontation?

The soldiers that had made it across blasted upward off their rolls and attacked the retreating civilians. The mages turned on them instantly however, and since they were so far outnumbered they were quickly disarmed and subdued.

"Stop! Don't kill them." Sandar shouted as many of the people ran back to the pinned soldiers with rocks, knifes, or swords. "They might save our lives later on. Bind them and lets move on."

There was muttering to this throughout the group.

"What if they somehow get loose, we'll just be stabbed in the back." One of the soldiers said.

Bingo. Time to cut your losses and run. You've just talked about how good these guys are. Keeping them "subdued" is a clear mistake unless we can get clued in on Sandar's rationale.

"We can set it so that if the spell bindings are broken they die. Good enough?"

"No, they will just slow us down. We cannot afford to bring them with us. Anyways, even if we bring them along, from the looks of this group they won't care if we have prisoners. They aren't paid for companionship, they are paid to get a job done." Said Ulvar, another of the mages.

What? Who won't care if they have prisoners? Why does it matter? Where are they going?

This felt wrong. But Ulvar was right, they couldn't risk it. Better them then us...

"Fine, but you can be the one to get your hands bloody. I want no part of it." Sandar said, resigned.

Sandar turned away and started to run down the tunnel towards the next cavern, trying to escape the sounds of the execution. He had barely gone two paces when he heard the prisoners hit the floor. No sickening sound of a blade going through mail and skin and muscle, just a thump as the bodies hit the dirt and chipped stone of the tunnel.

How does he keep the respect of his people, behaving like this? There is no recourse, and so he runs away? It seems cowardly to me, after he has hardly put up a fight to allow the prisoners to keep their lives. Sandar seems very young to me in a couple of ways.

The remaining trained soldiers among them moved in front, guarding against other enemies that had dropped in through the vents. It was such a cramped space that most of them had short swords, but there were a couple spears, and a few of the guards had short bows. None of them had flashy clothing, in fact they wore the similar brown garment underneath the standard issue haubergeon, chausses and helm. A couple of the magicians wearing the red headband of the warrior mages ran forward ahead of the group. Sandar had no control over them, they were under the leadership of the captain of the guards, Gorban. But he could guess that they were setting up more traps.

The rest of the group caught up with them a couple minutes later, they were rigging several cases of lamp oil to explode when one of several trip wires was set off. They had found some other defenders and had gotten them to dig out parts of the walls so they could put the barrels into the newly made recesses.

They are expecting a surprisingly large counter attack, and it seems to me that they are wasting time when they should just be fleeing. And what of the crystals...?

The mages ushered them across so that they could set the wires.

Three of the guards had a map and were argueing over something off to the side, away from the rest of the group. Sandar walked over and they looked up as he approached, one of them turned the map over.

"Its okay, its Sandar." One of them said. They turned the map back over.

Given the deferential nature of Sandar's interactions with his other underlings, I wouldn't imagine he would appreciate being called by his first name.

"We aren't getting a response from caverns 3, 4, 6, and 9. We know that 1 and 8 are gone. There is still fighting in 5 and 7. We have secured 2, 10, and the central chamber." One of the soldiers explained, he had the eagle insignia of a captain sewn onto a strip of cloth around his wrist.

"Even if we throw everything we can at them, we can't possibly hold out against this." Another soldier commented.

How does he know? This cavern is completely isolated from what you have told us, and yet it seems to me that certain assumptions are being made about the size of this force, its expertise, and it's behavior. And Sander, now, seems to have resumed a subordinate role, which is irregular with the role you have placed him in. He should be ordering counterattacks, and at least attempting to take control of the situation.

[qupte]"What if we use the device?" The third asked.

They turned to look at Sandar.

"It could work, its risky. But it looks to be the only way out." Sandar responded, after a moments thought.

"I don't like it, its too risky." Stated the officer. "But I'll go with it, if its the only way out."[/quote]

Yes. Sandar just said that. That it's too risky. And this reads like a disagreement from the outset. But we come to the end of the sentence and it turns out that the officer actually legitimately agrees with Sandar. It's a little misleading.

"Actually its not." Said a man from the shaddows.

The officer spun around, took one look at the man and pushed him away. "Get away scum. You don't belong around real soldiers, rock dwarf."

"There is a secret passage that only the builders know of. It was meant to be an escape route in case of tunnel collapse." The man continued as if he hadn't been interrupted at all. "Take my advice if you want. Though, be ready to scramble."

Whoa. Magical creature alert.

There are a couple of points I want to make here before I keep going. Firstly, it is important that you know how cliched it is to have dwarves underground building tunnels. Unfortunately for most of us aspiring fantasy writers, Tolkein sort of cleaned up in that department.

I would really like to see you introduce this guy right off the bat, so his qualities as "OOOO magical dwarf is coming to save us with knowlege of secret tunnels" will diminish a little bit. And give him a name!

"Why is that?" Sandar asked, glaring at the captain to stay silent.

"This all looks to be an inside thing. I think we have a spy among us. There are already several routes that they shouldn't know about. The walls haven't seen anyone go through it yet, but that doesn't mean they aren't waiting." The man responded.

You know, if no one knew the attack was coming, it's probably safe to assume that nobody knows what these soldiers know. For all the dwarf's posturing, the invading force could know all about the secret routes.

The captain choked back a laugh.

"Thank you good sir. What is your name by the way?" Sandar inquired.

"Rock Dwarf." The man said, a smile barely visible in the semidarkness.

"Its Emerson, and you should leave us now. Now!" The captain growled.

"I need to get an explanation for this if we all survive. This is unecceptable behavior. What is your name?" Sandar said to the captain.

"Agregor. Don't worry about it sir, this issue will not occur again." Said Agregor. The other two men who had been silent all this time shuffled back a couple steps awkwardly.

Awkward now? When their lives are at stake and they've just handed their safety to a rock dwarf?

This could use an overhaul of course, but I think you have a sound concept here, and after a little reworking you should be good to go. Nice work!

Thank you everyone! This was pretty harsh, but I know I have a lot to work on, so its better to know exactly what it is than be ignorant...
I'll get working on a new draft right away. I might not do detailed grammar changes because I'll be changing so much. But I can certainly get working on everything else. Especially the characters...I never meant for this piece to be quite so long. So there wasn't really a plan for character development and such to occur at this point. However it is looking like I will need to cover that now rather than later.
Once again, thank you so much! I'm glad you think this piece actually has some promise.