Broken: Chapter One

It was an accident. Why anyone would think I'd want to have a kid on purpose is beyond me. I was a Junior, for God's sake. It all happened at a party I went to, to kick off the beginning or Junior year. The coolers in the kitchen were iced and filled with beer, and my favorite kind, too. Pretty much all of us were underage, but we all drank anyway. After about 3 or 4 drinks, my head started getting foggy, and I couldn't see straight. Knowing I was tipsy, I went to find Brandon, my boyfriend, to drive me home, but he was under as well. He took my arm and led me into the guest bedroom, locking the door behind him. He push me up against the wall, and pressed his lips to mine. What happened after that is dark and fuzzy, because I was too drunk.

I do remember the next day quite clearly. I remember the hangover, and taking a lot of aspirin. I remember Brandon's mother on the phone, urging me to come as fast as I could. I remember racing to his bedside, seeing his body torn and mangled by the front of a Semi. I remember the way his eyes dully lit up when he saw me. I remember telling him to hold on, to stay with us. I remember seeing the light slowly leave his eyes as he closed them one last time. I remember being escorted out, and sitting in my car for the next two hours, staring at my steering wheel. I remember the hurt. I remember.

I like the general outline of the story. I wish it had a little more flesh to it though, but that is just my opinion. it feels like its missing something, but i cannot tell exactly what. I look forward to reading more of it though!

Hey thegirlwholived,

I’m not good at grammar so I’ll tell you what I think. This is more of a prologue than a chapter.
Because chapters tend to be longer and describe more. Yeah I like the plot, it’s so sad. Also you could make this a little longer describing more things like the area and talking about her feeling through every part. It feels like you’re rushing through things.

Hope to see more!

Kitty

Hi!

Okay, first of all, this is very short for a chapter. Not necessarily a bad thing, just something I thought would comment on. Also, you could consider turning this into a prologue. It offers background, which is what one is for. To tell the truth, I think it would be better suited for that.

I didn't find any spelling or grammar errors, so that's good.

If I could offer some critique to your actual writing, I would personally add more description, but maybe my opinion is invalid on that because people say add too much but...take that into consideration anyway, okay?

Did he die?
And this is a chapter?
Looks like a prolouge.
but keeeep em comeing!
Comment, review, mine?
topic66704.html

I agree with all of them, it does seem like it is a prologue instead of a chapter because chapters are longer. But on the other hand you did do a great job with it. I do suggest you change it to a prologue because this is basically the beginning, but not really where it is the first chapter. But like everyone else said this is my opinion and you can do whatever you like with your story, but i gave my suggestion and hope you take it into consideration.



~ Desiree Rinehart

Hello there!

One thing

He push me up against the wall, and pressed his lips to mine

*pushed

This is clearly the beginning to a larger story and does a good job at setting it up. You could add more, there is a lot to be said here, but you don't need to. Especially for the beginning I think this is fine. I like the second paragraph with the repetition of I remember. Keep up the good work!

This is such a sad, and touching story. I really want to continue reading! Please write more!!!!! keep it up! i like the emotion you have in this story. Especially the last line, its so dramatic and in your face. Great job!

This seems like an interesting story. Like everyone else, is this your prologue or intro? My only suggestion is comma use. Make sure places you place them, need them. I also fall into that mistake often. Overall, it's interesting. Somewhat confusing to jump from sex to a death, but still an attention grabber. Short but sweet!

Hello girlwholived.

I think that everyone already told you that this isn't a chapter, but rather a prologue. I have some definitions to clear it all up.

Chapter: a subdivision of a written work; usually numbered and titled
Prologue: is a preface to the story. It sets up the story, giving background details and other miscellaneous information.

In your case, you give out information about the novel that we didn't read yet as some introduction, right? So you might want to change that title, so everyone can shut up about that.

Okay, so we continue with the overall impression. I think that story has a lot of potential. It's not quiet original thought, but I hope you can come up with a little something more that can make that story your own. Keep writing, beacause I want to know the rest!

-Other One