Blue Jay {Part One of Three}

DELETED.

Sorry...

Hi, Jai here, one of the Four Musketeers, upon your request at our WRFF thread.

First, I suggest hiding in a spoiler at the bottom of your post your author's note. No one wants to read a story that "is very rough but heck" that you yourself "couldn't be bothered reading". Also, what was the reason why you wouldn't post your story on YWS? Is it because you believe your story is so fantastic that it will be stolen?

On to the review:

A certain someone once told me that stories were the gateway to our souls. That every story has some truth, no matter how farfetched they are. Some containing more then others…Everyone has a story, which are more interesting then the next. I have a story. One that stands out from any other…It’s a story of complete fact.

As a beginning, this didn't strike me as very interesting. In fact, you were trying to sell the story to me so much that I feel inclined to disbelieve everything that follows the statement that this is a "story of complete fact". Also, the sentence fragment, "some containing more then others" is completely wrong in a few ways. One, it makes no sense - containing what more than others? Two, you mean "than", not "then". As ellipses are just a bunch of full-stops, the same rules of grammar apply; spaces should occur after them. I believe your novel would be far better off without this part all together.

The ferry tipped towards the side menacingly low.

Low to what?

Gripping onto the sides, I barred my teeth against the harsh pelting of hail. One of the ferryman waddled out from the cabin where most of the tourists were sheltered under. Light seeped forward, shadowing the man in a flaming glow.

While I appreciate that you're trying to create atmosphere, reread those last few words, "flaming glow". If your story is one entirely of facts, wouldn't shadowing a man with a flaming glow be a false statement?

“Miss. Thornton.” The man strained his voice, his red beared beard taking captive shy raindrops which fell into its curling mass. “Millie! You gotta get outta the storm! Your Mother wouldn’t be too happy to see ya sittin’ in the rain!”

Droplets slid down my neck making me shiver. Pulling the yellow raincoat over my shoulders, I strained my eyes to see what looked like a fishing boat hauling in a fishing net. I felt my heart explode with excitement.

The first bit of the middle sentence is fine - seeing something and making up what it could possibly be. But extending that possibility to fullfillness, by saying not only is a fishing boat, but it is also pulling up a net, you're eliminating the need to say "what looked like", because by then you obviously know what it is.

“We’re almost home! I’m finally going home!” the boat hit an upsurge, forcing the metal ferry to jolt.

Are these two separate sentences?

My feet hit the wooden planks and began to slip. Screeching, my arms began to windmill around me frantically as I tried to keep my balance. So much that did for me. I hit the ground and began to slide towards Charles as if he were pulling me by an invisible string. Dirty water sloshed over my face making me struggle feel as if I was drowning.

How can your arms screech?

Taking composure, Charles stretched his back from its usual hump into excellent posture.

How can you take composure? And if you can, where was he taking it from?

“Lads and lasses, if you’d all prepare yourselves; we’re about to land in fifteen minutes.”

I was under the impression that they were on some type of boat. If so, why would they have to "land"?

I huffed impatiently. That was too long of a wait. I haven’t seen my Mum, Juliet or Jaidon in a good few weeks now. Mum, deciding that ‘St. Andrews Summer School’ would be good for me, whisked me away to Irvine where I was forced to spend the whole school break! It wasn’t the most raving place. Heck, you couldn’t even pick flowers without getting in trouble! And I liked picking flowers…

Excessive use of exclamation marks don't look good in a story. Also, my name is Jadyn If your story is full of only facts, you can't make statements like, "it wasn't the most raving place" because in reality, that's an opinion, not a fact.

A little girl turned to face me. Her mouth stretched back into a wide, chocolate covered smile that made instinctively move backwards.

You're missing a word here.

It would be starting soon and practically everyone, even the eskimos from the Arctic wanted to get a piece of the action.

Another opinion.

“The one about the Blue Jay killing the monsters that the witches make?”

Every single person who reads this will find themselves lost here. What in the world?

His eyes hardened and a look of knowledge cooed through his thick brow.

Cooed is a noise a pigeon makes.

I laughed and fluttered my hand. It was an old story, one that Gallagher held dear. When Gallagher had had the name was known as Sablier, supposedly it was the capitol capital of the whole world. Salem Witches – a clan of women bent on dark magic – called up demons, to march on their every whim. They had managed to take control of the whole of the Capitol capital, killing any one who they pleased.

From the shadows, a hero emerged, a man with in a Blue Jay mask changed all that. He was the only one strong enough to destroy the Salem witches and send them cradling cowering into the ground. He freed Sablier, and has been honed honoured as a hero ever since. His story was one that Jaidon – my best friend – and I held very close, to too close.

This wasn't a very clear explanation of the fable. And it is quite clear to the reader that you have not proof-read this at all, shown by all the mistakes within these two paragraphs alone.

“Of course it is not real! It’s just a little story that parents tell their children to stop them from running away.”

... How does this relate to anything? Why would a fable about a man in a bird mask killing witches prevent children from running away?

“Last time I checked. More, more children go missing in Gallagher then the whole of Scotland!” his voice was nasally and was starting to get got on my nerves.

A murmur broke through the cabin, and the unsettling feeling collapsed into my stomach.

What era are you writing for? If it is modern day, a whole barge full of people would not be listening to the conversation between a little girl and a teenager. A "murmur" would not break through the crowd of people because of what one person said. This is a highly unrealistic scenario.

I opened my mouth to reply but the words caught in my mouth.

Repetition.

I wanted to swear at him with all I had.

Why exactly? All he had said was that people went missing in a town. Why would that cause the main character to get angry?

Let the fat man who had one to too many burgers think that he was smart.

...

He sniggered at me

Why would a grown man snigger at a girl? This whole interaction makes no sense.

Burying my hands into my laps, I dug my nails into my palms to stop me from saying some very bad retort that would only make me look stupid in front of all these people. Suddenly,The sound of a pipe shaking drew my attention away from the chocolate covered girl and the red, fat man. Oh, and my rebuttal!

I hope this scene was necessary to the story, because this whole entire beginning so far is quite boring.

“We’ve reached shore, Charles. Get the tourists in to order, we’re dismounting our load.”

... "dismounting our load"? Do you mean, "We're offloading"? Dismount means for a sole person to get off of something.

Overall

Mollie isn't very interesting as a character, she sounds like a child and acts like a child. You've started the story somewhere boring when you could have started the story as Mollie and her friend entered the Festival and went on a few rides with the eskimos, which would have at least been a fair bit more entertaining than what I just read.

You need to read through this and correct any mistakes I might have missed, and completely rewrite the beginning. It was a poor attempt at introducing the fable of the Blue Jay Masked Hero, and the story just didn't hold my interest beyond wanting to complete the review.

I hope you can improve upon this in some way. Reply to this thread with any comments.

- Jai, on behalf of 1/4th of the Four Musketeers! Ye-ah!

Thanks for your help.

I don't want to post the rest of the story because it isn't very good, not because I think its great. I wish it is! Thank you so much again! I'll take your advice to heart.

With your suggestion on the beginning though, I cannot start it at the festival because it won't work with what I have already written. If you have any other suggestions, I'll kindly take them on bored.