[September Contest] Cold Metal Coffin (Related Poem)

Related Poem(ey, er, thing) based on this: post763053.html#p763053

Spoiler

“Your story is about a nurse trapped in a black hole, forgetting names.”

Floating. Fast and Aimless.
Conserving. Scraping up all the short Seconds.
Blaming. He should have to pay for This.
Remembering. Clinging to old Friends.
Hating. He’s unconscious and Selfish and Shameless.
Regretting. Names lost, Lives lost, Ends.
Killing. Last acts are Blameless.

Just to let you know I didn't read the short story.
General comments:

silentpages wrote:Floating. Fast and Aimless. I never really pictured a black hole as fast more just nothingness.
Conserving. Scraping up all the short Seconds.
Blaming. He should have to pay for This. I wish you would make this sound more angry. Maybe an exclamation point.
Remembering. Clinging to old Friends.
Hating. He’s unconscious and Selfish and Shameless. I would get rid of the first and in this it only results in the poem sounding choppy.
Regretting. Names lost, Lives lost, Ends. I don't no why you put "ends" at the end of this line. The people she knows, they aren't dead are they? This just confused me.
Killing. Last acts are Blameless.

When I first read this poem all I could think was "Why did this person capitalize the lines like they are all a title. All the bigger words are capitalized. It just doesn't make sense to me. Why are these words so special? Why do you want to highlight them? I also think if you are trying to highlight them it didn't really work because you did it so many times.

I also wouldn't have any idea what the poem was about if you hadn't explained. I think if you are ever going to have people read just the poem you should explain much more or change the title so it hints of the idea. Even with the description I was kind of confused with the last two lines.

Overall I think this was an O.K. poem, but it could really use expansion. Explain more what is really going through her head? The way your poem is now we only get little glimpses of what the Black whole is actually like as well. We have to imagine the rest. You tell us everything as well, you are just giving the facts. There is no room for discussion really. This poem didn't make me think.

Hope I helped,

A. S.

Aww, I didn't enjoy this like I enjoyed the story. One problem is that this can't stand alone, like the story-- I understand it because I've read the story, but it won't make sense to others (HINT especially those Moderators judging the Poetry contest, since they're not required to read the short story HINT). And I kind of hate the idea of you trying to explain what happened in the story through poetic form. It would probably be clunky and awkward, because that's just not the kind of story that fits neatly into a poem.

The poem only has to be related to the story, so I say you take two or three elements of the story and use them in a fresh and unique poem. Maybe take the concept of hurtling through space, paired with the nurse's burning blame, and marry the two into something coherent and interesting. Or combine the idea of a black hole with forgetfulness and letting go of the past. Don't simply list "-ing words"; that doesn't stimulate our senses, doesn't paint a picture, doesn't enlighten us. Poetry utilizes literary devices like similes and metaphors and paradoxes and alliteration and imagery to make readers feel and think, like Calligraphy said.

Anyway, even though the short story was stronger, you have a lot of material to work with to improve this poem, and I believe that you can! Best of luck in the contest; PM me if you need anything.

~Evi