Fledgling: a Short Story Pt. 1/2

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This is the first part of a short story that I wrote for Durriedog's contest. Reviews are appreciated.


Through the forest a small bird took flight, feeling the sun on its wings and the wind in its feathers. It flew alone for reasons one could not tell, but it was enjoying itself nonetheless. Enjoying its free time, it settled on a sturdy plant with a broad stalk and preened itself, only occasionally looking around in search of predators. Suddenly a crack echoed through the air, and the startled bird set out to fly. No sooner than it had outstretched its wings however, a beak, as large as the bird itself and twice as beautiful snapped down on it and swallowed it whole. The creature that had eaten the bird stepped back and licked its beak, and then sat down to preen itself too. The sun glistened off of its wings and its thick golden fur. Its long tail, as long as a man swished back and forth contently.

The creature was a griffin, but it seemed out of place here. Normally, a griffin would live in a flock, but this one was all alone in the forest that surrounded it. Its body was devoid of scratches, which a normal fight-loving griffin would never lack. The griffin yawned and stretched its legs before slowly walking to its home. It did not fly there, but simply padded along until it reached its home of a small cave overgrown with moss and vines. To the griffin, flying was overrated after it left its flock. It preferred walking.

The cave was far away from civilization and difficult to find. The griffin was happy with this. That would mean it could be let alone, and it was content knowing the fact.

After all, the griffin thought to itself, what more does a lowly creature like me deserve?

He entered the cave and after choosing a large pile of brush as that day's sleeping spot it lay down and began to rest. Its eyes did not close, however, because griffins were always on the alert for danger. In a world of magic and spirits, danger was closer than you might think.

Suddenly its head perked up to the sound of a scuffling outside the cave. It stood up quickly, its tail lashing about in all directions. He recognized the smell of the creature outside the cave. It was the smell of a human. The griffin shrank back into the shadows and waited for the human to enter. The entrance allowed a large shaft light to enter the cave, and in the light the griffin saw the human.

So the human walked-or crawled-inside. It was small child, possibly twelve or so, and he was sobbing loudly. As the boy continued to walk in, the griffin, hidden by the shadows slinked his way behind the boy. His talon made a slight tap on the stone and the boy jerked around.

"Who's there?" the boy gasped.

The griffin froze but kept his eye on the boy. While the boy couldn't see him, the griffin could see with his keen eyes.

"Please," the boy cried, "I'm lost. People got mad at me and chased me here. Can you help me find my home before it is dark?"

Griffins are intelligent creatures by nature, and this one was not an exception. Like a few other creatures, it could understand basic human speech, although it couldn't speak a word of human itself. The griffin did not make a sound and let the boy continue to grovel.

"Fine, mister! I'll just stay here until you show me how to get home, okay? I'm going to light a fire. It's real dark in here." the boy said. He walked over to the griffin's nest and smiled. "This looks like some good fire lighting material!"

Realizing the boy was threatening its favorite sleeping spot, the griffin let out a loud hiss that scared the boy nearly out of his wits. At that moment the giant creature leaped into site and stared the boy down with its harsh gray eyes. Terrified, the boy back away slowly. He felt the cold stone press against his back. In between a rock and a griffon's face, he had difficultly thinking clearly.

"Griffin! You're a griffin!" the boy screamed.

Yes, the griffin thought, you are quite the genius.

"Hey, I'm smarter than you think and I-" the boy jumped back and bumped his head on the stone. While rubbing his head he exclaimed, "I heard you just now! Did you speak to me just now?"

The griffin shook its head and hissed again. He leaned closer, clearly deciding if it should eat the poor boy or not.

"No, really! Think something," the boy said in an excited tone that rather annoyed the griffin. In its proud opinion, the
boy should have been cowering in fear under its mighty shadow. However, it decided to play along.

You are an ugly little human with messy hair and big thumbs, the griffin thought snidely. The boy put his hands on his hips and scowled.

"That hurts Mr. Griffin, but I heard you again! This is so great! Think something else!"

The griffin paused and stepped back.

Well, I am thinking if I should eat you or not. What do you think?

"I think eating me is a bad idea, Mr. Griffin."

Is that so?

The boy didn't answer but instead changed the subject.

"Can I stay here tonight, Mr. Griffin sir? You see, it's going to get dark soon and I don't want to be out at night."

The griffin snarled and walked around the boy, taking a strong wiff here and there. The griffin settled behind him and let out a huff.

If you stay here with me, I don't guarantee you'll survive the night, the griffin thought, hoping it would scare the boy off. As most griffins of its species, it was opposed with violent interaction with humans so it wasn't looking forward to a fight over territory.

"I don't think you'll eat me," the boy said confidently.

The griffin's eyes widened with surprise and he cocked his head.

"You won't eat me because we understand each other, and you can't break a bond like that, can you? I read in a book that griffins are very honorable,"

Do I look like the honorable type to you?

The boy shrugged and walked over to the griffin's nest. He stretched and let out a loud yawn before stepping into the nest
and lying down.

"We'll see. Goodnight Mr.-" the boy's words were interrupted when the griffin bit down on his shirt with his mighty beak. "Hey, let me go!"

The griffin picked up the boy and trotted over to the other side of the cave, where he dropped the boy on the ground. It let out a small hiss and walked to its nest.

My nest is not yours to rest on. Sleep somewhere else.

"You mean I can stay?"

The griffin did not aim another thought at him, and so the boy simply settled down on the cold stone and fell asleep. After all, he was just a harmless boy. What could he do?

The next morning the griffin awoke grumpily. The presence of a human in the cave had been too unsettling for it to sleep comfortably. It lifted its golden head from the nest and opened a single gray eye. There was no trace of the boy that had bothered him; it was like he had disappeared. The griffin was a little disappointed, because it had been looking forward to scaring him some more. (It would have never admitted this to itself, however.)

The griffin's stomach growled and it let out a sigh. The forest was secluded, making it a nice home but having limited food sources. It had kept itself full eating small birds for the past week and it was starving for something more. Its head perked up to the sound of steps outside the cave. The boy entered, and had a large fish in one hand and a book in the other. He held the fish up proudly before throwing it in the griffin's direction.

"I caught it myself as a pay for my lodgins', mister griffin," the boy beamed. "I’m good with a rod. I'm good at hunting too."

The griffin did not hesitate to snap up the fish in one gulp. Letting out a burp, its wary gaze fell on the boy again.

What do you want, the griffin asked.

"Well, I was kind of hoping I could stay the night again."

Not a chance. That was a one time incidence.

"But wait, I have a book!" The boy held up a book and smiled. "It's all about griffins! I thought you would be interested, because you're a griffin and all. I can read it to you, and you can listen!"

Where did you get that book anyway?

"I...er..Liberated it."

As in you stole it?

"I swear on the Holy Clara's left bosom that I did no such thing."

Boy, do you even know what a bosom is?

"It's a type of shoe, isn't it?"

The griffin growled and let out a disdainful huff. He eyed the boy, who was smiling and not quivering in fear. It also saw that he was covered in bruises, with cuts all over his arms.

Can't you read it with your family? the griffin asked, unsure what to make of the cheerful and wounded child.

"They...wouldn't like this kind of stuff. They are busy you know. Please, Mr. Griffin, I've been teaching myself how to read and I want someone to hear me."

The griffin observed the boy and silently chuckled to himself. The fact that its company was wanted pleased the griffin, although it wasn't about to admit that. The griffin decided the boy could stay and read just this once. What could a single day with a book lead too, after all? Telling himself it was payment for the fish, the griffin sat down in front of the boy and nodded to the book.

Go on, the griffin thought coolly.

The boy's smile at that moment could have lit up the sky. Nodding with much enthusiasm, the boy plopped down and opened the book.

"This book is called, Griffins, the History of Griffins. Nice title, huh?"

The griffin rolled his eyes and motioned for the boy to continue.

"Anyway: 'Griffins are winged creatures. Living in most tem..perate areas, they are among the most common large monsters in the world. Using their massive wings, they fly about spec...spec.."

The griffin sighed.

"Spectacularly," the griffin finished.

"Yes! That's the word! Anyway, as I was saying..."

The boy and the griffin read from that book for hours. It was stuffed with information about everything that dealt with griffins. And despite the fact that the griffin knew much about itself, it learned some new things too. For example, it did not know that griffins had dark stripe that led down their backs. The boy looked behind the griffin and proved this. The boy learned many a thing as well. He learned that a griffin's personality could be ascertained by the color of its eyes.

"It says that blue is calm personality, red is an energetic, green is a timid, and gold is a brave. What is your eye color,
Mr. Griffin?" the boy said.

The griffin did not know, for it had never gazed at its reflection. The boy leaned closer and gasped with surprise.

"They are gray! I've never heard of a gray eyed griffin! That must mean you are special, right?"

Or it could just mean that I am alone, the griffin thought. It shifted uncomfortably and hung its head low.
The boy shook his head and grabbed a piece of charcoal from the fire. It had gotten darker since they had been talking for most of the daylight. He wrote the word "gray" under the list of eye colors with the chunk of charcoal and showed the griffin his handiwork.

"See, the book says there is such a thing as a gray eyed griffin. Right here. You're not alone!" the boy said. If a griffin could smile, that's what the griffin did.

It was later that night the boy decided he had to go back to the cave the next day. The griffin decided to agree. They both decided that there was in fact still much to learn from the book, and so they would unfortunately have to meet again to finish it up.

A shame we have to meet again, the griffin thought.

"Yes, a shame," the boy said, although they were both smiling inside.

So they met again, several times in fact, for there was much to be learned and much time to learn it. They had a certain pattern going where the boy would bring a fish as payment for the griffin's company, and the griffin would act like he did not care about the boy in the least. After a few days however, this pattern fell apart, and soon the two came to enjoy each other's company.

____{()}____

Here is the link to the second part if you are interested! topic67379.html
Last edited by Esther Sylvester on Fri Jul 23, 2010 5:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Esther Sylvester wrote:Through the forest, a small bird took flew Did you mean "flight"? , feeling the sun on its wings and the wind in its feathers. It flew alone for reasons one could not tell, but it was enjoying itself nonetheless. Enjoying You just said "enjoying" three words ago. Change this to something else, and it will help the flow of the story immensely. its free time, it settled on a sturdy plant with a broad stalk, and preened itself, only occasionally looking around in search of predators. Suddenly a crack echoed through the air, and the startled bird set out to fly This is so... mellow. Passive, maybe. Change it to something like "the startled bird took to the sky, streaking awkwardly in its fearful haste." I know that's a bad example, but something like that puts us a little more on edge, helps us to care more, brings more emotion. . No sooner than it had outstretched its wings, however, a beak, as large as the bird itself, and twice as beautiful, snapped down on it and swallowed it whole. The creature that had eaten the bird stepped back and licked its beak, and then sat down to preen itself too. The sun glistened off of its wings and its thick golden fur. Its long You go on to tell us that it is as long as a man. At this point you should change "long" to some other adjective, otherwise you're being redundant. tail, as long as a man, swished back and forth contently.

The creature was a griffin, but it seemed out of place here. Normally, a griffin would live in a flock, but this one was all alone in the forest that surrounded it. Its body was devoid of scratches, which a normal, fight-loving griffin would never lack. The griffin yawned and stretched its legs before slowly walking to its home. It did not fly there, but simply padded along until it reached its home of a small cave overgrown with moss and vines. To the griffin, flying was overrated after it left its flock. This reads awkwardly. Maybe reword it, something like "Ever since it left its flock, the griffin found flying overrated. It preferred walking.

The cave was far away from civilization and difficult to find. The griffin was happy with this. That would mean it could be left alone, and it was content knowing that fact.

After all, the griffin thought to itself, what more does a lowly creature like me deserve? The question mark is outside of the italicization. It should be italicized too.

He He? I thought it was an it. You could do either, but make sure to be consistent. entered the cave and, after choosing a large pile of brush as that day's sleeping spot, it lay down and began to rest. Its eyes did not close, however, because griffins were always on the alert for danger. In a world of magic and spirits, danger was closer than you might think.

Suddenly, its head perked up to I believe that this should be changed to "at". the sound of a scuffling outside the cave. It stood up quickly, its tail lashing about in all directions. He recognized the smell of the creature outside the cave. It was the smell of a human. The griffin shrank back into the shadows and waited for the human to enter. The entrance allowed a large shaft light to enter the cave, and in the light the griffin saw the human.

So I see no reason for this word to be here, and as far as I can tell the only work it is doing is hindering you. the human walked-or crawled-inside. I didn't quite get this. Which did it do? And why are there hyphens between "walked" and "or", and "crawled" and "inside"? It was small child, possibly twelve or so, and he was sobbing loudly. As the boy continued to walk in, the griffin, hidden by the shadows, slinked his way behind the boy. His Again, for the most part you call it an it. talon made a slight tap on the stone, and the boy jerked around.

"Who's there?" the boy gasped.

The griffin froze but kept his eye on the boy. While the boy couldn't see him, the griffin could see with his keen eyes.

"Please," the boy cried, "I'm lost. People got mad at me and chased me here. Can you help me find my home before it is "Gets." dark?"

Griffins are intelligent creatures by nature, and this one was not an exception. Like a few other creatures, it could understand basic human speech, although it couldn't speak a word of human itself. The griffin did not make a sound and let the boy continue to grovel.

"Fine, mister! I'll just stay here until you show me how to get home, okay? I'm going to light a fire. It's real dark in here," the boy said. He walked over to the griffin's nest and smiled. "This looks like some good fire lighting material!"

Realizing the boy was threatening its favorite sleeping spot, the griffin let out a loud hiss that scared the boy nearly out of his wits. At that moment, the giant creature leaped into sight and stared the boy down with its harsh gray eyes. Terrified, the boy back away slowly. He felt the cold stone press against his back. In between a rock and a griffin's face, he had difficultly thinking clearly.

"Griffin! You're a griffin!" the boy screamed.

Yes, the griffin thought, you are quite the genius.

"Hey, I'm smarter than you think and I-" the boy jumped back and bumped his head on the stone. While rubbing his head he exclaimed, "I heard you just now! Did you speak to me just now?"

The griffin shook its head and hissed again. He leaned closer, clearly deciding if it should eat the poor boy or not.

"No, really! Think something," the boy said in an excited tone that rather annoyed the griffin. In its proud opinion, the
boy should have been cowering in fear under its mighty shadow. However, it decided to play along.

You are an ugly little human with messy hair and big thumbs, the griffin thought snidely. The boy put his hands on his hips and scowled.

"That hurts Mr. Griffin, but I heard you again! This is so great! Think something else!"

The griffin paused and stepped back.

Well, I am thinking if I should eat you or not. What do you think?

"I think eating me is a bad idea, Mr. Griffin."

Is that so?

The boy didn't answer but instead changed the subject.

"Can I stay here tonight, Mr. Griffin, sir? You see, it's going to get dark soon and I don't want to be out at night."

The griffin snarled and walked around the boy, taking a strong wiff here and there. The griffin settled behind him and let out a huff.

If you stay here with me, I don't guarantee you'll survive the night, the griffin thought, hoping it would scare the boy off. As most griffins of its species, it was opposed to violent interaction with humans, so it wasn't looking forward to a fight over territory.

"I don't think you'll eat me," the boy said confidently.

The griffin's eyes widened with surprise and he cocked his head.

"You won't eat me because we understand each other, and you can't break a bond like that, can you? I read in a book that griffins are very honorable,"

Do I look like the honorable type to you?

The boy shrugged and walked over to the griffin's nest. He stretched and let out a loud yawn before stepping into the nest and lying down.

"We'll see. Goodnight Mr.-" the boy's words were interrupted when the griffin bit down on his shirt with his mighty beak. "Hey, let me go!"

The griffin picked up the boy and trotted over to the other side of the cave, where he dropped the boy on the ground. It let out a small hiss and walked to its nest.


My nest is not yours to rest on. Sleep somewhere else.

"You mean I can stay?" I thought that it was already decided that he could stay. Why would he ask again?

The griffin did not aim another thought at him, and so the boy simply settled down on the cold stone and fell asleep. After all, he was just a harmless boy. What could he do?

The next morning the griffin awoke grumpily. The presence of a human in the cave had been too unsettling for it to sleep comfortably. It lifted its golden head from the nest and opened a single gray eye. There was no trace of the boy that had bothered him; it was like he had disappeared. The griffin was a little disappointed, because it had been looking forward to scaring him some more. (It would have never admitted this to itself, however.)

The griffin's stomach growled and it let out a sigh. The forest was secluded, making it a nice home but having limited food sources. It had kept itself full eating small birds for the past week and it was starving for something more. Its head perked up to the sound of steps outside the cave. The boy entered, and had a large fish in one hand and a book in the other. He held the fish up proudly before throwing it in the griffin's direction.

"I caught it myself as a pay for my lodgins' Simply by the fact that he's using this word--and all of the "mister"s--we get his accent. The shortening is a bit of an overkill. , mister griffin," the boy beamed. "I’m good with a rod. I'm good at hunting too."

The griffin did not hesitate to snap up the fish in one gulp. Letting out a burp, its wary gaze fell on the boy again.

What do you want, the griffin asked.

"Well, I was kind of hoping I could stay the night again."

Not a chance. That was a one time incidence.

"But wait, I have a book!" The boy held up a book and smiled. "It's all about griffins! I thought you would be interested, because you're a griffin and all. I can read it to you, and you can listen!"

Where did you get that book anyway?

"I...er..Liberated it." I laughed at this part.

As in you stole it?

"I swear on the Holy Clara's left bosom that I did no such thing."

Boy, do you even know what a bosom is?

"It's a type of shoe, isn't it?"
I laughed even harder at this part.

The griffin growled and let out a disdainful huff. He eyed the boy, who was smiling and not quivering in fear. It also saw that he was covered in bruises, with cuts all over his arms.

Can't you read it with your family? the griffin asked, unsure what to make of the cheerful and wounded child.

"They...wouldn't like this kind of stuff. They are busy you know. Please, Mr. Griffin, I've been teaching myself how to read and I want someone to hear me."

The griffin observed the boy and silently chuckled to himself. The fact that its company was wanted pleased the griffin, although it wasn't about to admit that. The griffin decided the boy could stay and read just this once. What could a single day with a book lead too, after all? Telling himself it was payment for the fish, the griffin sat down in front of the boy and nodded to the book.

Go on, the griffin thought coolly.

The boy's smile at that moment could have lit up the sky. Nodding with much enthusiasm, the boy plopped down and opened the book.

"This book is called, Griffins, the History of Griffins This should be italicized, being the name of a book. . Nice title, huh?"

The griffin rolled his eyes and motioned for the boy to continue.

"Anyway: 'Griffins are winged creatures. Living in most tem..perate areas, they are among the most common large monsters in the world. Using their massive wings, they fly about spec...spec.."

The griffin sighed.

"Spectacularly," the griffin finished.

"Yes! That's the word! Anyway, as I was saying..."

The boy and the griffin read from that book for hours. It was stuffed with information about everything that dealt with griffins. And despite the fact that the griffin knew much about itself, it learned some new things too. For example, it did not know that griffins had dark stripe that led down their backs. Wouldn't it have seen it on other griffins? The boy looked behind the griffin and proved this. The boy learned many a thing as well. He learned that a griffin's personality could be ascertained by the color of its eyes.

"It says that blue is calm personality, red is an energetic, green is a timid, and gold is a brave. What is your eye color,
Mr. Griffin?" the boy said.

The griffin did not know, for it had never gazed at its reflection. The boy leaned closer and gasped with surprise.

"They are gray! I've never heard of a gray eyed griffin! That must mean you are special, right?"

Or it could just mean that I am alone, the griffin thought. It shifted uncomfortably and hung its head low.
The boy shook his head and grabbed a piece of charcoal from the fire. It had gotten darker since they had been talking for most of the daylight. He wrote the word "gray" under the list of eye colors with the chunk of charcoal and showed the griffin his handiwork.

"See, the book says there is such a thing as a gray eyed griffin. Right here. You're not alone!" the boy said. If a griffin could smile, that's what the griffin did.

It was later that night the boy decided he had to go back to the cave the next day. The griffin decided to agree. They both decided Using this word two times is pushing it. A third is distracting. that there was in fact still much to learn from the book, and so they would unfortunately have to meet again to finish it up.

A shame we have to meet again, the griffin thought.

"Yes, a shame," the boy said, although they were both smiling inside.

So they met again, several times in fact, for there was much to be learned and much time to learn it. They had a certain pattern going where the boy would bring a fish as payment for the griffin's company, and the griffin would act like he did not care about the boy in the least. After a few days however, this pattern fell apart, and soon the two came to enjoy each other's company.


Overall

I really like this. You have some nice descriptions, and throughout the story I could picture things perfectly. Sometimes your grammar is a little sketchy, but nothing serious. For the most part it is good. And occasionally you trip up on your wording, making it hard to understand what you're saying without rereading, but I pointed out those sentences, and the story was enjoyable nonetheless. Overall, good job.

loveness, ultraviolet <3
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Just wondering, Esther. Do the characters have names?




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Thanks, Ultra.

Read the rest of the story to see, Stori. ;)
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Hey Esther, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

It flew alone for reasons one could not tell, but it was enjoying itself nonetheless.


Why would one care if it was flying? Also, maybe, "no one could tell"? It sounds better.
He entered the cave and after choosing a large pile of brush as that day's sleeping spot it lay down and began to rest. Its eyes did not close, however, because griffins were always on the alert for danger. In a world of magic and spirits, danger was closer than you might think.


Is it a he or an it?

So the human walked-or crawled-inside.


Decide which.
In between a rock and a griffon's face, he had difficultly thinking clearly.


griffin, difficulty

Alright.

II. OVERALL

Overall, I actually kind of enjoyed this. My main problem is your opening, because it really didn't attract me much. But your voice is very innocent and at first I found it kind of irritating, but it grew on me. The only problem is that it gets a little repetitive towards the end with the reading, but I think it works, in its way. Just be sure not to bore your reader with it. I'm going to be judging the story as a whole on the second part.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
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Awesome! I have actually found quite a few stories i liked tonight..hmmm. I loved the griffins personality and their relationship, i loved he ending and it was all just very well written! I also liked the eye idea, and that the griffin had grey eyes. Lol, Mr.griffin, cracks me up. I sympathize with the griffin, which was great because that means he was actually human, well, er, griffin, not quite sure how to say that, so i will just continue. Well bye, lol, so much for continuing, i cant find anything else to ramble on about, so i will take my leave.
Great job, i hope to see more!
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