Life in the Gauntlet

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Preface: This article is a college essay I wrote in hopes of getting into a prestigious university. Comments that are constructive in nature including correcting grammatical errors, raising stylistic issues, and critique overall content are strongly appreciated. Thank you!


Life in the Gauntlet

Chapter 1: The choice
In eighth grade, I made the choice to go to the *name of public school removed to protect privacy*, instead of continuing my education in a Jewish yeshiva. My administrators, teachers, and neighbors all disapproved of my decision, lost hope in me, and believed I would lose touch with my Judaism completely and “assimilate” into mainstream American culture. I had not realized it at the time, but I was soon to face struggles much deeper than the shame I felt from my Jewish community.

Chapter 2: The plan
In ninth grade, I started my first year of high school, my first time ever in a public school. I thought I was ready, after all, it was just school, and I am a fairly sociable person. On the first day of school, reality hit me like a baseball through a window. My entire world turned upside down; everything from getting dressed in the morning, to chewing kosher gum became a major concern. I had to decide what aspects of my Judaism I would take with me to my new secular environment. I devised a plan to “blend in” with my classmates by wearing jeans and a t-shirt, a first for me, and wear skirts on Fridays in honor of the Sabbath. I would also keep all of my dietary laws of Kosher, even though that meant not being able to take a stick of gum from someone, or get takeout food with my peers. Just because I was going to a school without a designated prayer time didn’t mean I couldn’t pray; it did mean that I would have to set aside time from my schedule to talk to G-d, which I chose to be every morning while waiting for the school bus. I scouted out the Star of David necklaces, and that is who my freshman friends turned out to be. To maintain my Jewish roots I joined NCSY, an Orthodox Jewish youth organization, where I could meet Jewish teenagers, and have a Jewish outlet. The last step was joining my school’s Jewish Student Union (JSU). The club did not do anything, was uninformed of most of the holidays, and made me feel disgraceful to be part of it. The reason I remained in the club, was to takeover, and bring it to a whole new level. I was voted President at the spring of that year, and upon that, increased the membership tenfold, and brought a rabbi to the club to educate and engage in hands on activities.

Chapter 3: The road block
After spending the summer after freshman year in Israel, I was so inspired to be a more religious Jew, that I tried doing too much too soon, and ultimately fell apart. I wasn’t the happy-go-lucky freshman anymore, I was a serious sophomore. The only team I wanted to join before coming to my school was Debate, and after finding out all the tournaments were on shabbos, I was very upset; by sophomore year I was crushed. I joined the cross-country track team, and wasn’t able to compete in any of the big meets, since they all fell out on Saturdays. I made new friends that year, none of them were Jewish; I picked them for their personalities this time. It wasn’t as if my Jewish friends from freshman year were religious anyway; no one was. Atheism was cooler anyway. Now, I couldn’t even hang out with my new friends on Saturdays, so that didn’t leave me with much option of extracurriculars, or a social life. The dilemma of skirts vs pants was getting to me. I was sick of being the “Jewish girl”. The stress of sophomore year was intense; it wasn’t as easy to take off school for the Jewish holidays, because I had more work to make up, and teachers weren’t sensitive to that. No one understood me or what I was going through. When people made stereotypical Jewish jokes at school didn’t help. The fact that even in the 21st century anti-Jewish slurs are commonplace and people still hate Jews to this day wasn’t comforting either. Second semester sophomore year was when I snapped like a twig, threw religion out the window, and embraced a new culture: school.

Chapter 4: The comeback
It had taken me 50 JSU meetings, a JSU trip to Florida, 9 Jewish retreats including a week-long public school one, 2 leadership boot camps, a trip to Israel, a trip to the nation’s capitol, working at a Jewish day camp for a summer, and the realization of what Junior year had in store for me to realize that a Torah lifestyle is how I need to be living. NCSY’s mission, Inspiring the Jewish future isn’t easy, but it is something I feel responsible for, because I know I can. What I learned in high school was to stop caring about what other people are doing and to worry about myself. I know that I have a bright future ahead of me, and while it will be difficult and I will fall down, I will always get back up. Although I am small in stature, I keep my head held high and know that I can make a difference. I’m not a yeshiva kid anymore and I’m not the average public schooler. I am a modern teenage Jewish girl who enjoys being part of the secular education system. Throughout high school, I have gained the opportunity to have a warm embrace with the phrase "Ivri anochi" which literally means 'I am on the other side' or 'I'm different.' I am different.
Last edited by beccalicious94 on Mon Sep 06, 2010 1:11 am, edited 1 time in total.




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Ok. First I did spell check and didn't find much in need of fixing up in that department. The ending seemed powerful enough. I've heard that a lot of people give in to the world and give up religion around the time you did then but also in college. I don't understand much about Jewish traditions and stuff but I can relate. I'm a Wesleyan and I don't care if people scrunch up their noses and say, "Wesleyan? Why?" Well, As stated in chat: "I'm 14 and don't know how to review these." Very good. Um.... that wasn't too helpful... was it? Sorry.
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First thing I wondered: why are there chapter headings? Those are more features of a story than an essay.

*name of public school removed to protect privacy*

Next time, I suggest just *removed*. It's much shorter and less intrusive. That huge string of words to replace the high school name just threw me out of the essay.

believed I would lose touch with my Judaism completely

"Lose touch with my Judaism" doesn't make sense. "Lose touch with my Jewish beliefs" or "lose touch with Judaism" makes more sense.

I had not realized it at the time, but I was soon to face struggles much deeper than the shame I felt from my Jewish community.

My immediate reaction to this was "Ew." Why? Because it's overused and such heavy-handed foreshadowing. You could be much more subtle, and I suggest focusing just on the shame.

and I am a fairly sociable person

Tense shift. Also, you have a number of comma-spliced run-on sentences in this massive paragraph which should be broken up into at least three smaller paragraphs: one about issues, one about how you overcame them, and one about the club.

The comma splicing and massive paragraphs are issues throughout this essay.

all fell out on Saturdays

That people made stereotypical Jewish jokes at school didn’t help.

When is used when something follows as a result. "When x goes on, y happens."

It had taken me 50 JSU meetings, a JSU trip to Florida, 9 Jewish retreats including a week-long public school one, 2 leadership boot camps

Numbers under less than one hundred are spelled out.

There's a lot of talk in the last part about you learning about how you need to live a Torah lifestyle, but the rest of the essay is about you becoming disillusioned. You haven't shown us how you came to your conclusion; only that you did. As a result, the last part of this essay really doesn't mesh with the rest due to this leap in logic.

Show us how your experiences at the JSU meetings and retreats changed your perspective. It will make for a more powerful story and argument that your religion is important to you.
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Hello.

I would like to ask what the purpose of this essay is, as right now I do not see why you even have to write it. If I were an applications manager, I probably wouldn't sit through this.

Why? Because you don't sell yourself.

It doesn't really matter what the essay guidelines are; if you are being asked to write about yourself, then you should be selling yourself from the first sentence onward. Every sentence should have a positive spin on your own character, every situation included to show the strong points of your personality.

To be blunt, the bulk of this essay should be cut so you're only focusing on positive aspects of yourself. I'd also keep Kyllorac's advice in mind, especially this part:

Show us how your experiences at the JSU meetings and retreats changed your perspective. It will make for a more powerful story and argument that your religion is important to you.


What you cut from the essay should be replaced by this logic. This is the logic that will sell yourself, show your resilience, dedication to your faith, and personal strength to put up with the teasing.

Your end paragraph, also, struck me as very generic. If this is a religious university (and your focus on religion makes me think it is), then they will expect a strong faith and general differentness from society right from the get-go. Ie- the qualities you listed are their baseline. Go past that in the essay to show how good you really are.

Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions.

~Rosey
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