Drowned by the Hands of Love

Spoiler

This is really really old, like over a year, and is in pretty bad shape grammar and "proper" poetry-wise. I just thought I'd put it up here. I don't write narratives much anymore...

As I struggled to get free,
I think about the last two weeks.

I look behind me,
and i see the ghostly Hands.
Not knowing what they were,
I ran from them.
The Hands were there all the time,
lurking in the shadows around me.
As I run, I look back again,
they loom closer with every day.
Unexpectedly I hear my name and turn,
and there he stands between them.
"Run!" I call out, desperately.
"Don't let them catch you!"
But it was too late,
and he let the Hands take him.
So I ran.
I knew it was only a matter of time,
already I could feel myself falling.
They tortured me with my emotions,
each time I looked back the feelings changed.
Never knowing what to expect,
I ran on.
Then suddenly, he was there,
in front of me.
My will vanished and I halted.
The Hands raced for the chance!
"Kare," he whispered my nickname
and held his arms open for me.
I can feel the Hands caressing my face and neck,
I take a step towards him and they yowl furiously,
choking me in their sudden embrace.
"No!" I screamed as he came closer.
The Hands tightened their hold.
He smiled a wicked grin,
leaning down to kiss my cheek.
Suddenly I was breathing water,
and then I was drowning in his breaths.
I struggled, knowing it had to be the Hands,
but I couldn't get free.
I had run from this for a lifetime,
and tried to hide my heart.
But my love was just too bright.

My love for you is so deep,
I'm drowning as the Hands of Love
pull me under.

Hi LukanRinta! I'll just go through and edit some things in red, first.

LukanRinta wrote:
As I struggle to get free,
I think about the last two weeks.

You need to be consistent in the tense you choose, whether it be past or present. I just changed it to present in the first line, because that's the tense that the rest of the poem seems to be in. Feel free to change in back to past, if you please.

LukanRinta wrote:I look behind me,
and I see the ghostly Hands.

You don't have to capitalize your proper nouns in poetry, but since you've capitalized the rest of your "I"s, I figure this was just a typo.

LukanRinta wrote:Not knowing what they are,
I run from them.
The Hands had been there all the time,
lurking in the shadows around me.
As I run, I look back again,
they loom closer with every day.

Since the last sentence in this bit consists of two independent clauses, you can either separate them with a comma and a conjunction, a semicolon, or a period. Any of these are fine, but a comma alone can't separate them.

LukanRinta wrote:Unexpectedly I hear my name and turn,
and there he stands between them.

Between what? I know you're referring to the hands, but it's always good not to use too many pronouns.

LukanRinta wrote:"Run!" I call out, desperately.
"Don't let them catch you!"
But it is too late,
and he lets the Hands take him.
So I run.

I really like the last line here. The seeming finality of it is eerie, yet it's so simple, with only three words. The effect just three words can have on a poem is astonishing.

LukanRinta wrote:I know it is only a matter of time,
already I can feel myself falling.

The word "falling" indicates a free, loose plummet. If hands were drowning you, you wouldn't get this feeling, would you? I might recommend using some other word than "falling."

LukanRinta wrote:They torture me with my emotions,
each time I looked back the feelings change.

Again, you have the independent clause dilemma.

LukanRinta wrote:Never knowing what to expect,
I run on.

Man, I love the power of these three words!

LukanRinta wrote:Then suddenly, he is there,
in front of me.
My will vanishes and I halt.

I love the description here. It might be nice to see more of this type of vivid description throughout the poem.

LukanRinta wrote:The Hands raced for the chance!
"Kare," he whispered my nickname
and held his arms open for me.
I can feel the Hands caressing my face and neck,
I take a step towards him and they yowl furiously,
choking me in their sudden embrace.
"No!" I scream as he comes closer.
The Hands tighten their hold.
He smiles a wicked grin,
leaning down to kiss my cheek.
Suddenly I am breathing water,
and then I am drowning in his breaths.
I struggle, knowing it had to be the Hands,
but I can't get free.
I had run from this for a lifetime,
and tried to hide my heart.
But my love was just too bright.

Wow. I just realized that this stanza was really, really long. I mean, way long, especially since it consists of many words on each line. Definitely, definitely break it up a little bit. Phew!

LukanRinta wrote:My love for you is so deep,
I'm drowning as the Hands of Love
pull me under.

I like this last part, especially because it sort of clarifies the rest of the poem. To be honest, I didn't completely understand it. You had two people: the Hands and your boyfriend, both of whom you regarded with the pronoun "he." This can get quite confusing. Overall, though, you had some great imagery and an original topic, and with a little bit of editing, this could turn out to be one spectacular poem. Great work! I'd like to see more of your poetry!

- Abigail

Alright. This poem can be summed up in one word, and that word is confusing. Especially near the end. You've got too much going on at once, and no clear source for many of the goings on. For example:

Suddenly I was breathing water,
and then I was drowning in his breaths.
I struggled, knowing it had to be the Hands,
but I couldn't get free.

At first it seems like the drowning is "his" fault, but you suddenly jump to the drowning being the fault of the Hands. That makes no sense, especially since you state "I was drowning in his breaths." Streamline the causes and effects. Make it clearer what is acting upon what.

Now, personal quibble, I didn't like how Hands was capitalized. I can see why they were capitalized, but it just struck me as trying too hard to put emphasis on something that was pretty obvious from the start. And that results in overemphasizing.

Lastly, even though (especially because) this is old, you should have proofread this more closely before posting it. I caught at least one uncapitalized "I" near the beginning and various punctuation issues. Age of a poem does not excuse laziness in grammar, especially since you are posting this now and not shortly after it was written.