Drunk Driving

Ok. Well, this is sorta like a prose poem, I really don't know how else to explain it. So if you think the style looks weird, that's why.

Darkness covered the midnight sky, only allowing specks of light
from the eerie street lights to break it’s cover.
The stars had no effect, for the sun would not bless them with
their gift of light. The only other glow tonight, came from my
headlights, and even they barely lifted the fog of night.

The drinks I had run through my blood, making the lights blurry,
and my reactions slower. I shouldn’t be driving, I know, but I am.
I watch the accelerator, the needle moving farther up ever second.
Ninety should be my limit, I know it should, but one twenty comes
way to easy.

Faster and faster, the signs getting more blurry as I move along.
Why can’t I read them? H-H-H-huge, huge what? Huge curve?
Wait, no! I’m going to fast. Why won’t my foot move to the brakes?
My hands reflexively grip the wheel and pull, but it’s to late.
I can feel the car turning, getting ready to flip with me in it.
I’m not ready to die, not yet, I’m to young. I didn’t mean to waste
away the life I was given.

I hear the crunch of metal, as the car begins its flips. I feel it crunching
into my skull. Unrelenting it keeps crushing, while I have nothing left to crush.
One, two, three, four, will it end? Five, six, seven, is it over?
Yes. It’s over, breath in breath out.
Everything is so fuzzy, and it’s getting darker.
I watch the lights fade, I watch death enclose me.

A patch of light attracts my attention though. Ruining my piece of darkness
that so happily enveloped me. Where am I? A gentle room full of flowers, and
pale glowing lights. A hospital? I’m alive!

I survived this time, I won’t drink again.

Generic subject+approach, I'm afraid. However, the diction is good.

A few grammatical errors here and there, but I think you could actually add more to represent the speaker being really intoxicated - just make sure that if you do that the errors are obviously intentional and for a point, not 'real' errors. This would make the poem more unique.

Good luck, and enjoy writing!

I don't often do reviews, but I'm suffering from a bout of insomnia at the moment (it's currently quarter to one in the morning here, and I've been trying to sleep since 11), and the title caught my eye, so I figured I'd give it a shot.

First comment comes from the title. "Drunk Driving." Boring. Sounds like an essay you have to write for a DARE project. Try to think of something more powerful that doesn't spell out exactly what the poem is about. "Drunk Driving" is catchy, because it's something that hundreds of people do every day. It's sad, but for a heart-wrenching poem that this is supposed to be, it doesn't work.

Now, stanza by stanza:

Darkness covered the midnight sky, only allowing specks of light
from the eerie street lights to break it’s cover.
The stars had no effect, for the sun would not bless them with
their gift of light. The only other glow tonight, came from my
headlights, and even they barely lifted the fog of night.

Gonna address it right out: the line breaks are awkward. Ideally, each line should convey a full thought, or as close to one as possible. Ideally, a punctuation should signal a new line. Not always, but a comma or a period makes a better break than midway through a sentence.

(nerd comment: the sun doesn't give stars their light. Stars are their own light source.)

The drinks I had run through my blood, making the lights blurry,
and my reactions slower. I shouldn’t be driving, I know, but I am.
I watch the accelerator, the needle speedometer moving farther up every second.
Ninety should be my limit, I know it should, but one twenty comes
way to easy.

"The drinks I had" is weird. "My drinks" would sound smoother in that line, as in, "My drinks run through my blood."

Also, your last line is WAY too strange. One, because the speaker already acknowledges that they shouldn't be driving, yet sets his speed limit at 90 miles an hour. Two, because without any measure of what "ninety" or "one twenty" is, it doesn't make sense. Either fix it, or get rid of it, referring to the speed without stating it directly.

Faster and faster, the signs getting more blurry as I move along.
Why can’t I read them? H-H-H-huge, huge what? Huge curve?
Wait, no! I’m going too fast. Why won’t my foot move to the brakes?
My hands reflexively grip the wheel and pull, but it’s too late.
I can feel the car turning, getting ready to flip with me in it.
I’m not ready to die, not yet, I’m too young. I didn’t mean to waste
awaythe life I was given.

I hear the crunch of metal, as the car begins its flips. I feel it crunching
into my skull. Unrelenting it keeps crushing, while I have nothing left to crush.
One, two, three, four, will it end? Five, six, seven, is it over?
Yes. It’s over, breathe in breathe out.
Everything is so fuzzy, and it’s getting darker.
I watch the lights fade, I watch death enclose me.

These stanzas, for dramatic effect, should be short and choppy. It's good to be flowery and poetic in the first couple of stanzas, as the drunk's mind kind of meanders from thought to thought. These stanzas are dramatic, fast, and snaps the drunk into sobriety. Fast, choppy, action-packed. Possible idea:

"Faster, faster, faster. The blurry signs whizzing past me.
Wait. What did that sign say? Something about a curve?
Wait. I'm going too fast.
Why can't I stop?
I yank the wheel. Too late.
I feel the car jerk, ready to flip.
I can't die. I'm too young.
Did I waste my only chance?

The metal crunches.
I feel my body snap,
but the metal still crushes.
One flip, two, three, four.
Five flips, six, seven.
Is it over?
The car comes to a rest.
I take a deep, painful breath in, and I let it out.
Everything grows fuzzy, faded, and dark.
I let the lights fade, I let the darkness swallow me."

Short, and it feels more frantic when it's choppy. Then when the action is done, go back to the flowing, poetic feeling.

A patch of light attracts my attention though. Ruining my piece of darkness
that so happily enveloped me. Where am I? A gentle room full of flowers, and
pale glowing lights. A hospital? I’m alive!

I survived this time, I won’t drink again.

The ending, I feel, is too preachy. You straight up tell the lesson learned. Someone who survives an accident rarely says, "Well, I won't do that again." Usually there's more reflecting on what happened, more analyzing of the situation and how it could have been prevented. Soon, maybe, the speaker will decide not to drink again. But they definitely wouldn't decide right then and there in the hospital bed. (and more realistically, they'll vow never to drink and drive again.(


Finally, an overall reaction: as someone who has driven drunk (hate to admit it, but even people as great as me make enormously stupid mistakes), this was not realistic. My one experience had me scared out of my mind that I was going to crash, so I drove under the speed limit, and focused more on driving in those few minutes than I ever had in my entire life. The willful speeding of the his guy seemed unrealistic. And as far as reaction times go, if someone was going that fast, they wouldn't have even noticed a sign, much less react just before an accident.

Also, fun fact, people who drive drunk usually survive accidents with no harm to them. But that's usually. I can see a fade to black scenario going on.


I don't know if you're just starting or not. If you are, great first attempt, keep it up. If you're not, continue to work on capturing the emotions of not just the speaker, but also of the situation as a whole.

good stuff, keep it up.
kf

Darkness covered the midnight sky, only allowing specks of light
from the eerie street lights to break it’s cover.
The stars had no effect, for the sun would not bless them with
their gift of light. The only other glow tonight, came from my If you're talking about the Sun's light, then the 'their' in this line should be its
headlights, and even they barely lifted the fog of night.

The drinks I had run through my blood, making the lights blurry, This is odd to me. Perhaps 'The alcohol I drank ran through my blood.
and my reactions slower. I shouldn’t be driving, I know, but I am.
I watch the accelerator, the needle moving farther up ever second.
Ninety should be my limit, I know it should, but one twenty comes
way to easy. The 'to' should be 'too'

Faster and faster, the signs getting more blurry as I move along.
Why can’t I read them? H-H-H-huge, huge what? Huge curve?
Wait, no! I’m going to fast. Why won’t my foot move to the brakes? There should be more panic, more worry. The first paragraphs were lurking and dark, full of description. You should keep going with that.
My hands reflexively grip the wheel and pull, but it’s to late. Again 'to' should be 'too'
I can feel the car turning, getting ready to flip with me in it.
I’m not ready to die, not yet, I’m to young. I didn’t mean to waste Again, 'to' should be 'too'
away the life I was given.

I hear the crunch of metal, as the car begins its flips. I feel it crunching
into my skull. Unrelenting it keeps crushing, while I have nothing left to crush. It should either be "Unrelenting," or "Unrelentingly,".
One, two, three, four, will it end? Five, six, seven, is it over?
Yes. It’s over, breath in breath out. I find this line and the one above just odd sounding with the poem.
Everything is so fuzzy, and it’s getting darker.
I watch the lights fade, I watch death enclose me.

A patch of light attracts my attention though. Ruining my piece of darkness This shouldn't say though. It makes it seem like it was immediately after the crash. Try to make it sound like it's later.
that so happily enveloped me. Where am I? A gentle room full of flowers, and Enveloped should be envelopes
pale glowing lights. A hospital? I’m alive!

I survived this time, I won’t drink again. For such strong writing, these are not good last two sentence. Spice it up!

Overall it was a pretty good poem. You could use some help with grammar and it definitely needs an edit. Also, the title 'Drunk Driving' does not invite readers in. You need a good hook, something dramatic.

Keep writing!

TRH Writes.

Hello! Quick review for today. I don't really have the brainpower or energy to go into a massive amount of depth.

The first thing that struck me was your use of setting. I find it rather melodramatic, the way you're setting this up as a bad night. The imagery, words, tone, all point towards "something bad" and it weakens the poem. Your first impression is one of overexaggeration, which is not a first impression you want to give. Readers will probably click away, resenting a lecture on the dangers of drunk driving.

The remainder of the poem really didn't grab me. It read a lot like a list of actions and feelings, and the imagery of the first paragraph was forgotten. This disjoints the poem and the list-like feel for actions makes it hard to get emotionally involved. You're telling the emotions, instead of having us feel the rush. Make us cringe when metal on metal on bone meet. Prolong the darkness so we're afraid of death.

Those are really the two main issues I see: inconsistent use of imagery and making the poem sound like an outside observer. You're using first person with this poem, and you're not using it to it's best. Alcohol impairs judgement and makes people's brains a bit fuzzy; they're not going to be able to observe everything in crystal clarity. It'd be more about action/reaction, I'd think, although I've never drunk so I can't say for sure. Get more into feelings and sensations for this, to really take advantage of the PoV.

Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey