O Great Religion (Satire)

O Catholic Religion how great you are!
What love oozes from your veins.
Nothing is blind to you,
even though those who use logic
condemn you.

They are wrong I say!
For nothing escapes your eyes,
your vigilant presence,
or fearsome power.

Look at what peace has come to
this land.
To this realm once so barren without you.

Order has come from you in times of evil.
When wars break out you quell the side that
is wrong, the side that has belief in freedom
and ideals different from ours.

Every soul should be grateful
for what you have done,
for what accomplishments have come to us.

The poor,
the weak,
and those close to death
must pay homage to you
and your contributions.

Your compassion is not met
by any other.
Your gentle hand guides us in
every endeavor.

We hold true what our fathers preach!
For their words are sacred, holy in their
truths.

Nothing that is spoken is a lie
for all comes from God,
our great savior,
the creator of all life.

With our words
and actions
this world is a a place
of solace,
of refuge for many creative minds.

With their work our message spreads.
With every action God encompasses everything we do.
O great catholic kings I am grateful to be yours.

Truly I love you as you loved me.
As you loved the world in time past.

In a time where so many ignorant souls ran through this place.
Yes, but now that is changed and we are whole.
And for time immemorial we will all show our affection for
you with the greatest of respects.

Okay before anyone dogs this it was my first satire poem. I am performing one and a dark poem for my school talent show in a few weeks and I wanted some feed back on this. i am revising now too, but i wanted to see if anyone had ideas on how to shorten and make better, funnier word play, or ideas for some other jokes to put in here. To be clear though if you hate and have no good feedback please do not comment. Thank you.

I hate this and have no good feedback, therefore I will not comment.

Sorry, I just had to make a joke from that. In reality I really think this was an interesting idea.

On how to shorten this I think you could roll up all the sarcasm into one stanza. The poem becomes draggy and list-like because it never advances. I think the best way you could is to make an observation. Okay, if you are going to be reading this at the school talent show, let me advise that you change the point-of-view. In 1st Person Satire it sounds very mockingly and you come off as (And please, I'm not saying you are) ignorant. It seems as if you're forcing your ideals onto your audience. My best advice is that you change your point of view. I think it would be 2nd Person, directly talking to the audience. Hm... let's see:

Have you ever watched a political debate? Or a court case? They try to make the opponent's ideas or claims look unvalidated and stupid. So for example,

Look at what peace has come to
this land.
To this realm once so barren without you.

could become

Look at what peace has come to this land,
To this realm so barren without THEM

Secondly, I think it would do better to focus around a specific deficiency of the church because (I sound very cruel saying this) because at the moment you are trying to fit in quite a few problems and that is way too many.

Thirdly, while it may not work with you satiric voice, maybe this should be more personal? One stanza. At the end. The Pope. A Priest. Your Catholic Friends. One of them has wronged you? Just so that we see what angle you're coming from. You've probably been studying Christian history haven't you?

Well anyway, I liked the idea here. PM when you've edited this and let me know how the talent show goes. Good Luck and all the best,
TheNewHero,

Hi Dange93! Hmm, let's see ...

dante93 wrote:O Catholic Religion how great you are!
What love oozes from your veins.
Nothing is blind to you,
even though those who use logic
condemn you.

I like this. It's funny and to the point. But wait. Why do those who use logic condemn Catholicism? Maybe you could include some reference to evolution or something, just to clarify a bit.

dante93 wrote:They are wrong I say!
For nothing escapes your eyes,
your vigilant presence,
or fearsome power.

To be honest, this sounds like you are a Catholic. I mean, I know you are trying to impersonate a Catholic, but you should be sure not to sound in the least reasonable, if the purpose is to make fun.

dante93 wrote:Look at what peace has come to
this land.
To this realm once so barren without you.

Same here. :\

dante93 wrote:Order has come from you in times of evil.
When wars break out you quell the side that
is wrong, the side that has belief in freedom
and ideals different from ours.

Again, I see what you're saying, but maybe you could give an example of Catholocism quelling the side that is "wrong."

dante93 wrote:Nothing that is spoken is a lie
for all comes from God,
our great savior,
the creator of all life.

Haha, this is pretty funny.

dante93 wrote:With their work our message spreads.
With every action God encompasses everything we do.
O great Catholic kings, I am grateful to be yours.

Truly I love you as you loved me --
As you loved the world in time past.

Okay, I have a question. Is this the poem you are going to read during your talent show? If this is what you were planning on reading, I might persuade you otherwise, because it could seriously offend some people in the audience. I mean, it doesn't necessarily offend me, because I'm a pretty good-natured, laid-back, I-don't-give-a-damn type of person, but not everybody out there is.

I really liked this, so keep writing!

- Abigail

Hey there!

I've got to say, this is not just amusing and sarcastic, it is a brilliant poem in itself too. Apart from odd structural points where lines feel too long and uncomfortable to read such as this particular stanza:

Look at what peace has come to
this land.
To this realm once so barren without you.

I think on its own this stanza seems fine, but overall with the poem I feel like my mind is spending too much time on this point and is too far away from the general overall satire of the poem.

Apart from that, I thoroughly enjoyed this piece! Keep up the good work and I hope this helps a wee bit,
Ben

Thanks guys. I needed as pick me up after a shitty day at work. Yes I was baptized Catholic, but I am an atheist now, and I shall read it at my talent show. I wish to offend the many Catholics there, just kidding. But I am seriously performing it. Anyway I have not had a chance to revise yet, but I will and shall take you ideas into consideration. Also no priest has ever molested me, or wronged me, but I wanted to poke fun at it. Thanks again. It means a lot and hopefully I will revise soon.

I like that you're expressing something deep in a destructive way.

Thanks.