To the Aging Benchholder

A/N: Just a piece I liked, though it's not very well done. Working on exposition and imagery.

--

The trees look aged after the rain,
like old ladies made from clay from what you can see.
sleeping on park benches has made you soft skinned,
sagging at the cheeks and huddled.

(Would you like a scarf for that?)

I bet you're tired of breaking your pockets for your heart,
if you stick your thumbs in the tubes, they might stop
whimpering and warm your aching fingers.

Your femur has cracked in three different places,
and healed to a dented pipeline.
It groans like grandpa did when he sat up,
he always reminded you of a creaky staircase
with his smooth out forehead and twisted
fingers.

I still think you look like your bench,
because the edges are starting to wear away

Hi Kamas,

I enjoyed your imagery, for example "sleeping on park benches has made you soft skinned" and;
"Your femur has cracked in three different places,
and healed to a dented pipeline.
It groans like grandpa did when he sat up."

I think it's a bit bumpy as a whole. I'd cut "from what you can see." and make the fourth sentence longer.
"I bet you're tired of breaking your pockets for your heart," is fairly clunky. If you read this whole poem aloud you'll be able to hear where it jars. I'd change "a creaky staircase" to "creaky stairs". I think "with his smooth out forehead and twisted
fingers." should be shorter and snappier-use sharper words (not cruel words, but words which sound harsher to the ear.)

I like the sentiment expressed in the final couplet but I felt like I was being spoon-fed. Show, don't tell-be a little less direct.

Feel free to p.m me if you have any questions.

Hope this helps,

Jas

I enjoyed this poem very much, the title caught my eye. My only real dilemma is the lack of rhythm, and clarity. Even free verse must have rhythm through comprehension. The best example is; 'I bet you're tired of breaking your pockets for your heart,
if you stick your thumbs in the tubes, they might stop
whimpering and warm your aching fingers." Whether you're going for multiple meanings is up in the air, but a metaphor must have a prologue which explains it.