A New Nhyte

Pain. Burning, searing pain crept it's way through my now violated veins. I was paralyzed. Blind but for the flashes of red and white that I only assumed were the flames engulfing my mangled body. Deaf but for the heart wrenching screams that seemed to be coming from no where, or were they mine? I couldn't tell. The only thing I knew was the pain, and that I was dying. I had to be. If I wasn't, I was wishing I were.


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"Ello!" Was what I woke up to. "Ello? Anyone 'ome?" A sarcastic sounding, male, voice raped my mind with it's loud volume and ear splitting pitch. "You're not dead." The voice told me. No shit. Idiot. I opened one eye and saw a 20 or so male hovering above my head. I must have been laying down. The man had brown shaggy hair that hung down to his cold, blue eyes. He wore a smirk. "Ello love! I knew you'd come 'round." He said, putting a face to the voice was strange. They didn't match. He looked porcelain in the face, elegant, like a doll you would put away and never touch, only look at. But spoke as if he were only a commode. "I'm sorry, Who are you?" I asked, my voice coming out smoother than I remembered it being, almost musical, foreign. "I 'ould as' you 'eh same thin'." He said, offering me his hand. I took it, noticing the rough, calloused working hand against my smooth and delicate one. He lifted me like I weighed nothing. " "Aygin." He said simply. Okay...Not really sure what he said. "You?" He asked, crooking an eyebrow. "My name is..." I drew a blank. Was I seriously forgetting my name? What, where was I? I looked around, feeling my long hair drag across my back as I turned. It was night, I was in the middle of a field. There was a small cottage up ahead with a fence surrounding it. In the distance I could see lights and guessed it was a small town. "Um, Nhyte." I said, blurting it out. That's not actually my name, I don't think? It's not even a name. It's a time of day...well, night. What was my name? "Night?" He asked, confused. I nodded blankly. "Okay. Let's go." He said and headed towards the cottage. After a moment of thinking I realized he had left. I started to run to catch up to him. My bare feet touching the wet grass chilled me. Why were my feet bare? I looked down, over myself. I was naked. "Ah!" I screamed and attempted to shield myself with my arms. Haygin stopped and turned around. "Wha'?" He asked. "What? I'm freaking NAKED!" I screamed back. "Yea', I see 'hat. 'Hat's why i'm 'rying 'o get you in 'eh 'ouse." He said, smartly. Jackass. "No! I'm not going anywhere with you!" I yelled to him. Was he crazy? "Suite youre'elf." He said and continued on his way. I stood there, naked with only my arms to clothe me, I had no idea who I was or where I was.
"Hey! Wait up!" I yelled and half jogged to the cottage.




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Tell me what you think. I'm hoping to turn it into a novel on here. Be brutal
XO Change

Hi there.

It's hard to give an impression on the piece, because it is so badly formatted. It is hard to read because there are no paragraphs. You'll also want to create a space between dialogue.

For instance, instead of

"Ello love! I knew you'd come 'round." He said, putting a face to the voice was strange. They didn't match. He looked porcelain in the face, elegant, like a doll you would put away and never touch, only look at. But spoke as if he were only a commode. "I'm sorry, Who are you?" I asked, my voice coming out smoother than I remembered it being, almost musical, foreign.

You get this:

"Ello love! I knew you'd come 'round." He said, putting a face to the voice was strange. They didn't match. He looked porcelain in the face, elegant, like a doll you would put away and never touch, only look at. But spoke as if he were only a commode.

"I'm sorry, Who are you?" I asked, my voice coming out smoother than I remembered it being, almost musical, foreign.

That way, the reader can follow the reaction to any piece of dialogue.

Pain. Burning, searing pain crept it's way through my now violated veins. I was paralyzed. Blind but for the flashes of red and white that I only assumed were the flames engulfing my mangled body. Deaf but for the heart wrenching screams that seemed to be coming from no where, or were they mine? I couldn't tell. The only thing I knew was the pain, and that I was dying. I had to be. If I wasn't, I was wishing I were.

This was the start of the story and it didn't really impress me. In the old days, you would probably be praised for displaying the raw emotion. Now though, it just looks like something from an angsty emo diary. It is well past cliche at this point. Further weakening it is the lack of connection it has to the story below it.

I found it strange that she realized she was naked at the end of the scene. Whenever I am confused or disoriented, I usually run a self-diagnostic. Who am I, where was I born, social security number, etc. My clothing condition is definitely one of the first things I'd notice. Unless your character is used to being naked.

For this to become a story, there needs to be some sort of compelling conflict. If you want to try the amnesia device, take a look at "The Bourne Identity." When he realizes that he doesn't know his name; he freaks out. Her reaction is more like a walk of shame the morning after a fling; not the panic of not knowing anything about yourself.

Hey XchangeX

Pain. Burning, searing pain crept it's way through my now violated veins.

Okay, first thing I noticed was the misplaced apostrophe. I suggest you go and read this brilliant little explination on apostrophes. Apostrophes can be confusing, especially in terms of 'its' vs 'it's.' Professer Rabbit explains them better than I could.

'Burning' and 'Searing' are almost synonyms- you would probably benifet from choosing one and sticking with it. Also, your 'now' violated veins? I don't know about you, but I think the 'now' is redundant. Violated is not the normal state for veins.

And in all honesty, I have seen this opening many times before, and am guilty of it myself to be honest, and it doesn't make much of an impact.

"Ello!" Was what I woke up to. "Ello? Anyone 'ome?" A sarcastic sounding, male, voice raped my mind with it's loud volume and ear splitting pitch. "You're not dead." The voice told me. No shit. Idiot.

First thought was 'oh no'. Almost intelligable stylised speech does nothing for me. I am looking forward to when this character is killed off or left behind.
I am not sure about you, but ear splitting pitch reminds me of something very high, not low and rasping. And I wouldn't discribe the voice as 'sarcastic sounding'. If you must have sarcasm, then I would reccoment portraying it in another fashion, such as 'the voice was low and rasping, and heavy with sarcasm. I winced as the loud noise intruded my mind.' probably not the best sentence, but do you see what I mean?
The line 'You're not dead' is confusing. Who would actually say that to a naked person laying in a field, no matter how rough and crass the person is? It doesn't make sense, unless it's a comment to himself, like "Oh, you're not dead."

I opened one eye and saw a 20 or so male hovering above my head. I must have been laying down.

I don't know about you, but when I'm passed out or sleeping, that's what I've been doing too. It's an odd realisation to have, don't you think?
Also, you've already established him as male with his voice. And the age is very specific. maybe just 'young man'?

"My name is..." I drew a blank. Was I seriously forgetting my name? What, where was I? I looked around, feeling my long hair drag across my back as I turned. It was night, I was in the middle of a field. There was a small cottage up ahead with a fence surrounding it. In the distance I could see lights and guessed it was a small town. "Um, Nhyte."

Panic more. Where's the feeling of being lost in a strange place, unknowing who or where you are? It's quite tame, like this is something that has happened a few times. Also, less y. It's a common trick- get a normal object or noun and throw in some 'y's and 'x's and 'z's to make it more fantasy-ish. His literal translation to 'Night' is much preferable.

Why were my feet bare? I looked down, over myself. I was naked. "Ah!" I screamed and attempted to shield myself with my arms. Haygin stopped and turned around. "Wha'?" He asked. "What? I'm freaking NAKED!" I screamed back. "Yea', I see 'hat. 'Hat's why i'm 'rying 'o get you in 'eh 'ouse."

When you wake up your body does this thing- it makes sure everything is normal and working. If you woke up naked in a field you would notice it, the grass poking into your back, the sun on your bare skin, or the cold, the feeling of skin on skin that is otherwise foriegn- and even if she slept naked, she would notice she was outside and check if she was naked. Also, you have set a setting that seems a to be in the past, with the hut and the fields, and the smallish town- being naked was practically a sin. He would show a bigger reaction then that. Also, especially as you have established him with such a 'different' dialogue, he wouldn't know what she meant by 'freaking', most likely.

Overall it's hard to get a real sense of where this story is going, and whether I am interested, it's a fairly generic beginning for a fantasy novel. If it picks up in the following installments, it could be a really good read- if it doesn't, it joins the ranks of the 'cliche' fantasies. I would suggest thinking of another way to introduce the character- perhaps start with a scene as she tried to fit into the town, if that's where the story is leading, and refer to this as a past event, gossiping about the stranger who turned up naked in a feild with a strange name, odd looks from the women, leers from the men, kind of thing?

Either way, you show promise, and you should continue working on your pieces. PM me if you have any questions or if you need any help or clarification.

-Nutty

Hey there

I do think this has potential but, as the other reviewers have said, the way it's all shoved together in one thick paragraph makes it difficut to read.

"I 'ould as' you 'eh same thin'."

Regional accents can be a good way of showing character, but this one is so pronounced it makes it difficult to understand what the man's saying. Also, I can't place this accent at all. Perhaps you came up with your own unique one, as it's a fantasy world, but the way it is right now comes across as very odd. It's almost always vowels that are either pronounced differently or missed out, but you've taken off the consonants, which makes it difficult to tell what the words are.

As for the story as a whole, you really throw the reader in at the deep end, opening with the main character waking up naked, with a strange man, not knowing where she is and not remembering anything. And, when you put it like that, it sounds like maybe she's had a bit of a wild night out, but I doubt that's the case. Anyway, while this could work well, with the reader finding out about Nhyte as she herself does, as an opening it's not that great at the moment. I think it would work better if you spent more time showing her panic and confusion and her trying to remember what on earth's going on. The way you told it, it's a bit flat at the moment. Events just happen without us seeing how they make the MC feel.

I'm not sure about that beginning section either. As other reviewers have said, it's an idea that has been used many times before so perhaps if you could find a more original way to hint at Nhyte having a mysterious past it would work better.

So, as a beginning you could definitely improve this, but all the same I hope you keep on with this because I'd be interested to see where it goes.

Hey I'm going to review your work!

Usually repetition so close together doesn't work but this really does, and a nice opening sentence

Pain. Burning, searing pain crept it's way through my now violated veins.

I think that blind should have a commar after it

Blind but for the flashes of red and white that I only assumed were the flames engulfing my mangled body.

Sarcastic? What you wrote before sounded nothing like a sarcastic comment!

A sarcastic sounding, male, voice raped my mind with it's loud volume and ear splitting pitch. "You're not dead." The voice told me.

Okay this has left me really confused, I think this would work well as a prologue to a story, but I just can't see a story in this, there are too many unaswered questions for it to be complete.
I really like the idea but it needs more to it, definatly.
If you have any questions please do not hesitate to PM me
Maybe I am not looking at it in the right way, but I can definatly see this as a novel!
Nice writing though!

Firstly, separate the paragraphs if there is more than that big one in the middle.

Deaf but for the heart wrenching screams that seemed to be coming from no where

Nowhere is one word.

A sarcastic sounding, male, voice raped my mind with it's loud volume and ear splitting pitch.

No apostrophe in its. Also, what is "ear splitting pitch"? Is it like a dog whistle high pitch? Or is it like nails on chalkboard?

I opened one eye and saw a 20 or so male hovering above my head.

Quit being lazy and spell it out.

Overall: Not, bad, but not entirely great. It could do with a bit more description. A quick question though is: How did this guy not know he was naked till the very end? I'm sure we all know the difference in feeling when we have clothes on, and when we do not. I'm drawing a blank on the surroundings this guy is in though? Even if he can't see anything, try to describe maybe the sounds, tastes, smell, or feel. Also, this could use some paragraphs and not one big, clumped together thing. Anyways, if you need help or a review, feel free to PM me here on YWS.

Signed,
Lethero the Werewolf