That Was How He Died

Hi Jane,

I really really loved the second haiku. "And Priscilla cried" is very direct and powerful. It could be a poem in its own right.

I'd try to mirror this sort of bareness in the first stanza. I'd omit references to "summer breezes" and give something more concrete. I'd also look at how you lay out lines. It should ideally be;
"Summer breezes.
Cold nights..."
but this is prevented by your adherence to the meter. I'd rewrite lines such as this where you put the line break where the line does not naturally end, because it disrupts the flow.

I'd change or cut duller lines like "tears filled sad eyes". If changing, I'd try something more specific and visual, and maybe try to do this without using "tears" or "sad". Maybe pick one or two onlookers and give them their own lines rather than being general.

I love "sullen sun" and "Priscilla limped"-great images, well expressed.

Hope this helps,

Jas

Well, to tell you the truth this poem didn't give me much to work with. The title says it 'That was how he died' you didn't go into much detail about it. Normally I'm a huge fan of the depressing poems and stories with unhappy endings but normally with titles like that one I'd just pass the poem up and go onto the next one.


I can tell that you did try to make this an interesting poem, maybe it just depends on who's writing it. Try to go into imagery, we know it's cold because you put 'cold' but you could try to make the reader feel it. Sorry if I'm coming off harsh I don't mean to be at all. Keep writing!

-M.

Hey there! I love how this poem is made up of Haikus, I think the short verses really build up the feeling and coldness of the poem.
But I have to agree with the reviewer above me that the poem could have gone into detail about how he actually died, not just how cold it was and how everybody else felt.

Overall - This is a lovely poem with some real feeling,

Keep writing,

~Crimson