After Words: Intro

"Get my phone."

"What?"

"Get my damn phone! She's not moving!"

"Holy-"

"The damn phone!"


He hurried to get the phone, but suddenly he couldn't see. Nor could he hear, or speak, or move, or even begin to understand what was happening. People below watched in horror as he fell after the girl, over the railing and onto the dirty white tiles of the mall floor.

It had just been a joke.

They held her over the railing and then let go. She didn't move, or scream, or flinch as she was falling. She just looked them -him- dead cold in the eyes. Their stupid friends below were supposed to supposed to catch her.

They didn't.

They didn't catch Sam either.


And so two crumpled heaps of bleeding, wrongly angled limbs lay on the dirty white tiled floor of Southwest Sun Mall. The ambulance showed up along with police and firemen.

It had all just been a joke.

And then that joke wasn't so funny.


People were herded out of the mall, five stupid teenagers were sent off to the police station, and two bodies were carried away.


But that's only one side of the story.
Here's the other.










ok, that's it for the intro. It's not my favorite, so please review it!!! I hope you guys enjoy the story - I'm actually trying with this one. My other ones are really just for pleasure. Oh! Also, I'm not sure what the title should be. I've changed it several times. So, if you could, as the story goes on, please suggest titles. kthnxbai ^^

Hi I think this is a good beginning, I like how you jump straight in with the dialogue and the drama of the situation really pulls the reader in, I hope you continue with it!

He hurried to get the phone

As you have just had someone telling him to get the phone, I think you could maybe change 'get' here to something else, perhaps a bit more descriptive and giving detail as to where he is going to get the phone from- I would think it would be his pocket or bag so maybe you could add that in. Something like retrieve/grab the phone from his pocket/rummage for the phone in his rucksack or anything like that really, just giving more detail to the action

She just looked them -him- dead cold in the eyes.

'dead cold' sounded a bit awkward to me, something like coldly/ without emotion / blankly might run a bit smoother instead.

People below watched in horror as he fell after the girl, over the railing and onto the dirty white tiles of the mall floor.

I was a bit confused at this point as to why he was falling over after her- did he slip or fall because he is so stunned? Or jump after her? I think you could explain more here by just adding more to the sentence or adding an extra one. For example- 'People below watched in horror as he stumbled forwards in shock and fell over the railing after the girl, down and down to meet the dirty white tiles of the mall floor.'

Their stupid friends below were supposed to supposed to catch her.

I'm not sure if you have added 'supposed to' again by mistake, if so I'd take it out but if you are emphasising it then I might add a comma before the repetition and put the second 'supposed' into italics or something like that.

The ambulance showed up along with police and firemen.

'showed up' sounds kind of casual, I think if you changed 'showed' it would change this a bit, maybe 'arrived' or 'pulled up' would work better

It had all just been a joke.

And then that joke wasn't so funny.

This kind of sounds like the joke had only just become not funny when it has been for quite a while, I think you could maybe change 'And then that' to something like 'But the' instead. Alternatively you could change the first part a bit to something about it starting off as a joke to make more sense

Overall: I think you have got a good start and I would definitely be interested in reading on!

I think as this is a short introductory piece, you don't really need to introduce the characters or set the scene that much but I think a bit more could be added. Perhaps after the fall how people are reacting- the panic of people and rush of things, could be quite effective. I mentioned earlier about the confusion surrounding the boy falling and I think it would be good to add more to that and to how his friend reacts when that happens- perhaps reaching out for him too late or something like that. When the ambulance arrives, I also think you could add more tot he drama, perhaps describing the sirens over the screams or something like that.

Sorry there aren't much comments but I think it's pretty good already! Just by adding a little bit more detail in places, I think it could be great All my comments are just suggestions, Hope I've helped! *star*

Hey =]

Wow - I really liked it.

Like Pippie said - I like the way that you started with dialogue. It made me more alert as to what was happening.

Pippie seems to have found most of the mistakes so I won't bother to try and hunt more down

But that's only one side of the story. Here's the other. I love the cliffhanger too, though I would suggest deleting 'Here's the other' as, for me, it kinda took away the - 'Ooh! I so have to find out what happens next' feeling.

That said though, I will definitely read on.

You have a great idea for a story here!

xDudettex

Ok, thank you guys so much. I'll definately make an editied version of the story. And hopefully I'll be able to get the next bit up soon. Like, now, maybe.

excellent, thank you!'



you guys should be my moral support squad. I'll try my best to do the same for you!!!!



no, forget that last aprt. You don't have to commit. Unless you want to. ^_'

Hey! I liked this a lot. Everybody did the grammar stuff so I won't do that. Good job and PM me if you add more.

Hello, darling! I'm Music.


Grammar:

He hurried to get the phone, but suddenly, he couldn't see. Nor could he hear, or speak, or move, or even begin to understand what was happening. People below watched in horror as he fell after the girl, over the railing, and onto the dirty white tiles of the mall floor.

They held her over the railing and [s]then[/s] let go. She didn't move, or scream, or flinch as she was falling. She just looked them- him- [s]dead cold[/s] coldly, straight in the eyes.
The last part was a suggestion for re-phrasing it.

They didn't catch Sam, either.

[s]And then that joke wasn't so funny.[/s] Suggestion: A joke that wasn't so funny anymore.

But that's only one side of the story.
[s]Here's the other.[/s]
Strike that sentence. It leaves a better cliffhanger!

Language Usage: I liked it for the most part. You were a tad repetitive when describing the floors of the mall, though.


Plot: I thought it was a great beginning! I'm so intrigued!


This wasn't a very helpful review. *frowns* Well, I'll do better on your next post of this story, because I'm definitely checking out the rest of it! Feel free to notify me- in fact, please do!


Love,
Music

wow, that was pretty good. the only thing i saw was be sure you captilize (spelling=P) the first letter of every sentence. I really liked, now I'm going to go read the next one!!!
Well, zi hope zisee more of your stuff around.
-bunnie

hey. I'm Rena.
Nice intro. But I have to admit, I giggled a little.
I thought it was supposed to be funny after you said 'It was all a joke."
But then I kept reading and I realized what it ment. But...
This is really good.
Everytihing as basically been pointed out so...
Nothing left for me to say for now.
Keep up the good work!

haha, thanks. Yea, no, it's not 'sposed to be a joke >.< thank you guys so much for reviewing, and I know i say 'thank you guys so much' in, like, every chapter/part/thing, but I mean it! I'm so glad I finally have a group of people to give me serious reviwes.

Gramma just doesn't quite cut it with her "this is really lovely!"'s

did I do that puctuation right????

At first i thought it really didn't make sense but then it started getting interesting u should make it much much longer it was good you had good grammar you put all the commas in the right plces but you really need to make longer then it wold be much better so just write a little more. Also I don't see why it's a romantic story i really don't so next time if you edit it make it longer and make sure it's romantic.

AMAZING!

I was like in a trance, it was so well written.

But that's only one side of the story. Here's the other

was incredible. It was a cliff-hanger all right, and even though they drive you mad, it's exactly what people want.

Honestly, amazing is the only word I can use to describe it. I can't wait to read more!