Pudding Girl

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Pudding Girl



The boy got on the tram. He carried his sporty rucksack with him, which barely contained more than a piece of ragged paper and a pen, since he thought he would hardly need more than this at school. He spent most of his time at home anyway, where he had everything within reach- including a special drawing pen and his father downstairs who was always delighted to have a closer look on his son’s school works- not that he would have ever been allowed to help him, oh no, he knew better than this. Still, his fatherly heart was always filled with joy when thinking of his son working with him in a few years’ time and then overtaking the family business when he would retire. As for the boy, he did not very much like to think of things so serious and grown- up – although he would be 21 this august- , instead he preferred thinking of spending a good amount of time in America travelling and enjoying life in such a metropolitan way that European cities could never compete.
Right now, as usual, he imagined seeing the island of Manhattan instead of these ragged 19th century houses across the river. He wanted to sit down, since these stone- old, European tramways are like roller coasters. He looked around to see if there was anyone who needed that seat more than himself- a pretty blondie, perhaps, but he saw no girls- unfortunately, thought he, even pretty ones could not be dressed up like the girls in Florida in this chilly weather, having to wear these big coats.
So he sat down and looked around absentmindedly once more. There weren't too many people- just a few grannies with their shopping bags; an old man in a funny hat that seemed to be bigger than his small, wrinkled head; an ill- looking teenager boy who seemed to be sent home from school, because, thought the boy, he seems to be throwing up in any minute, and a… well, a funny-looking girl. Or she must be a girl, because that awful coat is purple, anyway, and her hair is long, too, though barely visible along with her face underneath that funny red cap- he thought. But her body seemed to be much too thick on one side underneath the coat, while she held both herself and her heavy- looking bag with her left hand. The coat hung down loose where her right hand should have been. He felt a sudden wave of shame arising in his chest: He wanted to run to the girl and help her, leading her damaged body to his seat, and help her carry her bag, which seemed to weigh 5 kilos at least. But before he could have provided any help, the tram stopped, and a few old ladies strolled down. Their places would be taken by a young mother with three little children; she herself could not sit down, though it was clear by a look at her round belly that the little ones would soon receive a new brother or sister.
The boy looked at the children, bemused; he wondered when he himself would become an uncle- after all, his brother was already past 30. It did not even occur to him to have little ones of his own- only women did think of such nonsense. He wondered, if Pudding Girl was fond of children- for that’s how he called her, deciding after a while, that, hopefully, she only broke her arm and now hid it under this- other wise too large- coat. And she did, after all, look like a big, purple pudding, with a fine cherry on the top- he thought, smiling to himself. He looked at her, as if to apologise for making fun of her, without her knowing it- but he was only too shocked to see that she was looking him straight in the eyes, as if only to say; "I know what you were thinking full well”. For a moment, he sat there, frozen. The color of the eyes were so light and they were so deep- the depths of all the waters’ on Earth- the exact opposites of his shining chocolate- brown ones, which- as he knew very well- were reflecting the light of the sun in a million shades of golden brown. The color of the girl's eyes would have been judged as cold, having all the fine green and grey and blue in themselves, have they not been surrounded by the soft expression of the face and the dazzlingly long, dark lashes. For a split of a second, he was caught up in those big, much too bright eyes. "Much too bright, according to the ragged clothes she’s wearing"- he thought. As if guessing what he was thinking, the girl raised slightly one eyebrow and turned to walk a few seats away from the boy. There she asked something politely from an elderly man, who silently nodded, then stood up, and provided his seat to the pregnant woman, who kindly accepted it.
The boy wanted to make it up to her, to run to her, but it was too late; The girl got off the tram and disappeared into the crowd.
Attachments
prague tram.jpg
This is the first part of a love story, which I do not know yet how long will be. :)
We can see things here from the boy's point of view, who meets a strange girl on a tramride. If you want to know some more of them, than keep reading! I'll trie to come up with the other parts soon.
prague tram.jpg (93.94 KiB) Viewed 175 times
Last edited by klucy89 on Wed Sep 01, 2010 1:35 pm, edited 2 times in total.




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Hi Klucy! Shear here ;)
I'll be reviewing this for you today.

European cities cold never compete.

I think you meant could.

I know what you were thinking full well”.

Where's the starting quotation mark? D:

Um, so not too many nitpicks, so that's good.
My main problem with this piece was the lack of description. I would recommend you go back and add some more descriptions to your writing to make it seem more alive. I'm also wondering exactly what was going on with the guy after he saw the girl, it seemed like a lot of things kind of went unexplained, maybe I'm missing something XP
But, other than that, I thought you had an easy going atmosphere though out your writing and I did enjoy reading this, nonetheless.
Keep it up,

~Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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Hi Pink!

Thanks for your review! I've corrected the mistakes that you mentioned, I hope there isn't much more left :).
As for the descriptions, the story continues in Sunshine boy so I thought I will make things clearer there.
It's nice to have people around here reading your works.. It inspires me. To be honest, I haven't written in a long time anything by now, only a few lyrics when I felt like it. But I've always loved writing so I am not giving up!
Just one more question: How can I make front covers for my works? I just couldn't figure it out..
Thanks for everything, bye;
Lucy



I know history. There are many names in history, but none of them are ours.
— Richard Siken