Rest in peace

Hi all. I wrote this after watching My sisters keeper, and I was kinda thinking about if I died. I think this was I would want reading at my funeral. Tell me what you think. Thanks.

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I carry all my burdens,
my omens and my sins.
They are always on me.
They are my possessions of all things.

If I do not pass over
you will all know. As
the snow will be bright purple,
and the cold will never go.
I will leave petals on your pillows,
set your clocks to half past two,
blow away the mountains,
and always follow you.

I converse with the angels,
the jesters, the thieves.
I talk to everything living,
and everything deceased.

They tell me "Don't worry."
and that "It will all be okay."
But they know I don't believe them,
so they never stay.

Bruises on my legs
and blood from my nose.
The kemo it hurts,
but it will make me better though.

I see my younger brother.
I see him grow and grow.
I watch him age slowly,
am I old before my years though.

I dream of dying slowly
and passing in my sleep.
Cast my dreams upon the stars,
and to wear my demons sleep.

I was brought to my place of heaven,
I sat upon the plants,
upon this final tor
I wondered if this sunset would be my last.

I gave my dad my poems,
his favourite I never understood.
Gave my mum a keep safe box,
my secrets she can look through.
My brother gets everything,
because I took his lung.
I will have nothing left,
this is where I belong.

So if I have passed sleeping,
know I slept because of you.
I think I am in heaven,
but alas, it's not with you.

I wanted to be a writer,
this you understood.
You always encouraged me
and told me I was good.
So I wrote this for you,
I hope you think it's my best.
Lets call It rest in peace Ross Smith,
and let me go to rest.

I hate to read LONG poem... Just by scanning and skimming it, i looks nice...

retrodisco666 wrote:I carry all my burdens,
my omens and my sins.
They are always on me.
They are my possessions of all things.

If I do not pass over
you will all know. As
the snow will be bright purple,
and the cold will never go.
I will leave petals on your pillows,
set your clocks to half past two,
blow away the mountains,
and always follow you.

I converse with the angels,
the jesters, the thieves.
I talk to everything living,
and everything deceased.

They tell me "Don't worry."
and that "It will all be okay."
But they know I don't believe them,
so they never stay.

Bruises on my legs
and blood from my nose.
The kemo it hurts,
but it will make me better though.

I see my younger brother.
I see him grow and grow.
I watch him age slowly,
am I old before my years though.

I dream of dying slowly
and passing in my sleep.
Cast my dreams upon the stars,
and to wear my demons sleep.

I was brought to my place of heaven,
I sat upon the plants,
upon this final tor
I wondered if this sunset would be my last.

I gave my dad my poems,
his favourite I never understood.
Gave my mum a keep safe box,
my secrets she can look through.
My brother gets everything,
because I took his lung.
I will have nothing left,
this is where I belong.

So if I have passed sleeping,
know I slept because of you.
I think I am in heaven,
but alas, it's not with you.

I wanted to be a writer,
this you understood.
You always encouraged me
and told me I was good.
So I wrote this for you,
I hope you think it's my best.
Lets call It rest in peace Ross Smith,
and let me go to rest.

kogarasumaro: If you don't even read a significant portion of the piece, don't comment. And if your comment is not helpful and, instead, a row of emoticons, don't bother.

Retrodisco:
Work on your English and consider whether the phrases you write actually mean anything. Lines such as:
"They are my possessions of all things."
"If I do not pass over/ you will all know"
"As/the snow will be bright purple,/and the cold will never go." (That's not even a complete sentence, and why is snow bright purple?)
"am I old before my years though."
"I sat upon the plants,/upon this final tor" (tor?) EDIT: ignore that, gotcha, "hill"
"his favourite I never understood."

etc. etc. These phrases make no sense.

"The kemo it hurts," - I'm pretty sure you mean "chemo"
"and to wear my demons sleep" - make that "where"

What are your sins, omens, and secrets? You can't just pretend to have a mysterious life and say it so plain. It's silly.

You're so painfully vague that it's obvious you haven't thought about or even know what you're writing about beyond a cursory glance. Death can be so much more meaningful than this if you take the time. There is no meaning in your words (sometimes literally). You've just taken a bunch of phrases you think pretty and strung them together. You graze over the surface with words you associate with death and call it quits. Don't. Examine the depths. Come up with a thought, an idea, an image that is unique, that is your own, and that you have felt and looked at from all angles. Right now, this piece is flat without angles. It would not be fitting at all for it to be your "final piece." Keep trying.

Hello! First of all:

I carry all my burdens,
my omens and my sins.
They are always on me.
They are my possessions of all things.

I found myself coming to a brief halt as I read "My omens and my sins". I would recommend "My omens, my sins" IT smoothes the stanza into a continous flow.

The kemo it hurts,

Recheck your spelling. It's supposed to be 'chemo'.

I see him grow and grow.
I watch him age slowly,
am I old before my years though.

The word "though" here doesn't quite fit in. I'd recommend changing it to something else.

I dream of dying slowly
and passing in my sleep.
Cast my dreams upon the stars,
and to wear my demons sleep.

Okay, I couldn't figure out what you meant to say here but nevertheless, I'd like to suggest an alternative to make the last two lines sound better. "Casting my dreams upon the stars, and wearying my demons to sleep." This is to fit the line sin with "...and passing in my sleep"

Lets call It rest in peace Ross Smith,
and let me go to rest.

The word "rest" here seems repetitive but really, to be honest, I don't have any word replacement suggestion for this.
Overall, this poem truly touched my heart, especially the way you outlined this whole concept. Wonderful! Keep it up
x

I like the initial idea you had however, you got overwhelmed....Dying is very hard to translate in words. Some phases you included ( like sauce pointed out) did not fit with the initial purpose you had for this poem. You need an easy flow not something choppy with pretty lines. Be clear.

Overall It wasn't a bad try. Keep writing retro!