A moment of delusion

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Hi I just wrote this poem a few minutes ago and it just expresses some of the feelings that I felt today in a moment of anger, so I might need your help to make some improvements :)

People always thinking,
they know everything,
promising me something,
and then just lying.

Why do I trust you?
Why do I believe you?

You don't see me crying,
but my heart is suffocating;
teardrops are filling it,
and my eyes are not faking it.

I am the one who's believing ...

Believing that you could change,
oh that would be strange,
but for once telling me the truth,
like you only couldn't do.
Last edited by Iamnotperfect on Sat Oct 09, 2010 9:24 pm, edited 3 times in total.




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I liked this but I felt it wasn't finished. You could add more to this piece and it would be awesome, not that it isn't already ;)

Keep Improving :)
XO Change
The only constant in our lives is Change.

Revelations 21:4
He will wipe every tear from their eye. There will be no more mourning or death or pain. There will be no more crying for the old way of things has gone away.




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Gender Female
Points 323
Reviews 83
Hey there! I really like this poem, it actually summed up the past week for me in many ways... So I just had to write a quick review on it! >.<

People always thinking,
they know everything,
promising me something,
and then just lying.


I think that this is my favourite line. I really like how you ended each line with 'ing'. It really added drama and tension to the opening line. However, I feel that
and then just lying.

rushes it slightly. That's just me being nit-pickish though.

Why do I trust you?
Why do I believe you?

I like this as well, it made me want to read more.

You don't see me crying,
but my heart is suffocating;
teardrops are filling it,
and my eyes are not faking it

The first two lines of this are fab, but the last are a little bit awkward to read, especially the last one. Using two lines ending in 'it' makes the poem sound a little... rushed. Again, me being nit-pickish.

I am the one that is believing ...

I will have to be honest with you, I don't like this line. I think that it could be made better if you changed the 'that is' to 'who's'.

Believing that you could change,
oh that would be strange,
but for once telling me the truth,
like you only couldn't do!

I love this line. I think that it is truly fantastic, the only thing that slightly dissapointed me was the unneeded exclamation mark at the end.

Apart from all my nit-picks, this poem is beautiful. The way it flows and fits with the vocabulary that you used, is just brilliant.

Keep up the great work,

~Crimson
Avatar (c) to Thalia - A great friend of mine



Knowledge is power.
— Francis Bacon