sucide

The bang bang goes off in my head

He pulled the trigger

I let one tear roll down my cheek

I cried myself to sleep as the picture of his lifeless body laying there

I keep asking why did you do it

I wonder if you know the pain i feel

I do not blame you i heard you say help

I did not make it on time

When the final hours came

I heard the bang as you slid lifelessly to the ground

I thought you should know I love you

Theres always a place in my heart for you

Even though you left me here to dwell

Hey there! So I am here to review your poem.

One thing you might want to keep in mind is to read over and edit your work a few times before posting it. You have a lot of errors, for example this one: "I wonder if you no the pain i feel". You wrote "no" instead of "know" and didn't capitalize the second i. It might seem like minor stuff, but if you want people to take you seriously, write seriously.

My other suggestion would be to inject some uniqueness into this poem. Though suicide is a very sad, emotional, and depressing thing, I don't feel any sadness while reading this poem. I'm not affected by it at all. You have a unique perspective with this poem; while most poems I read about suicide are about the author considering it, you're writing about someone else who has killed themselves. This gives you a certain uniqueness already. But how is what you're writing about still more different than anything else? Why should I care? Why should I feel sad? If you tried being more specific about things it could help as well. For example, how are the speaker and the person the speaker it speaking to related? Why did s/he kill him/herself? Can you describe how this affected the reader in a more concrete fashion?

It might also help if instead of addressing that person, you made it open, perhaps third person. That way you open the poem to the reader as well. I would also highly suggest trying for a more original title. A poem's title should expand the meaning, not speak to the obvious!

I hope this review helped! Best of luck.

Welcome to YWS!

Your poem has plenty of room for improvement and with a little more care, I'm sure you could turn it around.

Suzanne mentioned proper grammar and spelling. These are critical. Writers are expected to be word-smiths; so when you misspell a word, all of your jealous non-writer friends will point and laugh. One of the big red flags that popped up when I read the poem was that you misspelled "suicide" in your title. Those mistakes are small ones, but they tend to indicate a laziness towards writing. If you're going to submit some work, it doesn't hurt to run a spell check, they take less than a second.

I thought that you should have focused less on the narrator angst. Yes, I understand that the narrator is appropriately haunted by the death of their friend. The trouble is that this alone doesn't really do anything. The cynical attitude would go something like this, "So the narrator has problems? So does everyone else. You don't see my putting my problems into poetry though."

To make this poem unique, you need to convey an image. To make a suicide poem unique, you need to give us an image of the suicide. It seems like you were trying to shield the reader from that image. Don't. Suicides are terrible on the people they leave behind because of how messy they are. Don't hide the mess. If your narrator walked in on the body; then describe that. Describe the blood, the brains, everything. Show us a teddy bear spattered with brains and you will send your reader running for their stuffed animals crying.

Writing is all about getting your reader to react to what they read. It makes sense to take extra care and time to check what it is that you write.