My Dearest Heart

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Gender Female
Points 3149
Reviews 153
To my dearest Heart,
I swim across the oceans,
I swim across the seas.
I fight the biggest battles.
I lay under seige.
You ask why I suffer,
and keep fighting on.
For you my dear,
who's love is steady and always strong.

One day as I await,
for you my love beside a blackened gate.
I feel pain stab my heart,
as I see you across the road.
In the arms of another lover,
I see you smile and kiss his lips.
As I reach for my bow,
my heart blackens beneath my chest.
The man who held you slips slowly to the ground.

Your eyes search but you never found.
For quick as I dare my hands release another arrow,
straight into your heart.
The light in your eyes slowly begins to fade.
Moments later you finally pass away.
Once you are gone I hold you in my arms,
telling you of my love that was alas oh so strong.
Your corpse grows stiff,
beneath my bloodied fingers.
Now that you are dead,
you will never love another again.
For you my Heart,
I kill you in cold blood.
For you my heart,
I do the same to me.
So we can meet,
and be together cross the sky,
across the shinning sea.
Into the heavens we will always be.

With all my love,
Your heartless soulmate.
Last edited by snickerdooly on Fri Sep 03, 2010 6:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Characters cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." Helen Keller




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Points 1040
Reviews 6
I like the story in the poem, however I found it hard to find a rythm like how I should read it. The thing that caused that problem is that you have some very long sentences but others are very short. The first and second part were ok, but I struggled a lot with the last part. So maybe if you have more sentences with the same length, the same amount of syllables it would be easier to read. The poem isn't bad, don't get me wrong, but if I could find a rythm in it, it would be even better!
Keep on writing




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Points 1838
Reviews 17
Like the person above me said (sorry, I don't remember your user name) the rhythm leaves a bit to be desired. I read it out loud like I do with everything I review and it just didn't flow as well as it could. Rhyming is hard and while I prefer at times to write rhyming poetry, sometimes non-rhyming has better rhythm; like the person above me said (still don't remember your user name :/) perhaps you could fix that by lengthening and shortening your sentences and number of syllables accordingly. The story was good, though.

:D
Writing's a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia E.L. Doctorow
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I'm so clever that I don't understand a single word of what I'm saying Oscar Wilde



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