That last look,1.1

That morning I woke up late and rushed to school without eating anything. I got there, as it turns out, in plenty of time to meet my boyfriend Chris. He greeted me with a loving smile and a indulgent kiss. As we kissed, I knew how lucky I was. He was cute, sweet, smart , caring not to mention had every girl at school had massive crushes on him but I wasn’t happy and I had no idea why. I mean I liked him. We had been friends for years before we started dating and we where super close but it still felt kinda wrong going out. I pushed my douts to the back of my head while I pushed him away and laughed at the disappointment that was displayed clearly on his delicate features. He quickly cracked a smile and we linked arm in arm on our way to 1st period.
I was on my way to the bathroom to check my blood sugar( I am a diabetic) when I started to shake and collapsed. I could see little black dots in my vision and all I wanted to do was sleep.I had ignored the signs in class, my hands had been shaking and I was fatigued but I didn’t do anything about it . I knew I should walk back to class where Chris could see me and he would know what to do. It was between classes and there was nobody around to help me. . All I wanted to do was sleep. I curled up in a ball and closed my eyes but suddenly felt a cool hand on my wrist and my eyes fluttered open.
“who?” I whispered
“where is your testing kit?” answered a concerned voice.
I just looked towards the little black kit without realizing what was going on. I just closed my eyes again falling into the comfortable darkness.
“Stay awake!” was yelled in my ear
I ignored the statement more distracted by what he was doing with his hands. He smoothly opened the kit and slid out the tester and a test strip. The way he handeled the equipment it was obvious he had done this before. I was looking at his hands distracted by his long fingers and the black marks that stained his knuckles.
As he lifted my hand I saw his face. It was the skater/regect boy form 3 and 6 periods. His crowd didn’t mix with my more upper middle class group so I never thought about him. Now that I had a chance to see his face I was stunned. Under his long hair he had amazing eyes. Eyes like burning sappires, but something clouded them, was it...........concern? Why was he concerned? Then I realized what was going on but still couldn’t resist the urge to sleep.
“Oh crap, your really low, ok just hold on I have some suger packets left over from coffee this morning” he said urgently
I felt my mouth automatically opening in response to the packet being pressed against my lips. I felt as the suger hit my tounge , swallowd and repeated that prosess 3 times before he picked me up.
“Ok sleeping beauty, you need to get down to the office” he said in a snarky voice, making it abundantly clear that he was not nearly a concerned now that I had sugar in my system.
I just snuggled closer and as he lifted me up and I closed my eyes. I heard him telling me to stay awake and I did even though I was really tired. I could feel as we reached to elevator and we went down finally reaching the office. The entire thing had lasted about 3 minutes from the time he found me to the time he layed me down in the sick room while briefing the nurse on my condition.
“So I found her in the hall, tested her, gave her some sugar and she should be more awake soon” he said in a calm voice to the nurse.
“Good job Theo, but how did you know what to do?” she asked curiously
“My little sister was diagnosed a little while ago so I have learned the basics” he replied in a matter-of-fact voice
So I had been right he had done it before. This thought was quickly chased away by the fact that an almost complete stranger had just carried me around school.
I was furious.
“You, why did you carry around?!” I said suddenly earning myself a bought of vertigo as I sat up quickly, ”I’m sure I could have walked!”
He turned to me with a smirk on his face and said in one of the most cocky tones I’ve ever heard,

“Whatever you say sleeping beauty”

I wanted to be angry and part of me was but this anger was over taken by a warm feeling that was spread over my body. I wanted to know him, for him to look at me with that playful look on his face and the thing that made me decide I was going to make that happen was that last look.
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Ok so that was the first story I posted and I would love opinions on it. If I get a decent amount of likes then I’ll make a part 1.2

Hey there!
Welcome to YWS! I'm Lilicia *shakes hand*

Corrections are in red, suggestions in bold.

That morning, I woke up late and rushed to school without eating anything. I got there, as it turns out, in plenty of time to meet my boyfriend, Chris. He greeted me with a loving smile and a indulgent kiss. As we kissed, I knew (I knew doesn't sound right here. 'I thought about' might be better) how lucky I was. He was cute, sweet, smart, and caring, not to mention hadevery girl at school had massive crushes on him. (more detail would be good here. In what way was he cute, caring? How did the MC get to be friends with him in the first place?) But I wasn’t happy and I had no idea why. I mean, I liked him. We had been friends for years before we started dating and we where super close but it still felt kind of wrong going out. (maybe the MC could try to go over some reasons about why it didn't feel right. Example: 'Maybe it was because we were too close, or maybe because he was too much of a friend'...) I pushed my doubts to the back of my head while I pushed (that's the second time you used 'pushed' in this sentence. Find another word) him away and laughed at the disappointment that was displayed clearly on his delicate features. He quickly cracked a smile and we linked arms on our way to first period.

I was on my way to the bathroom to check my blood sugar - I am a diabetic - (thoughts on being diabetic? when was she diagnosed?) when I started to shake and collapsed. I could see little black dots in my vision and all I wanted to do was sleep.I had ignored the signs in class, my hands had been shaking and I was fatigued, but I didn’t do anything about it . I knew I should walk back to class where Chris could see me and he would know what to do, but it was between classes and there was nobody around to help me. All I wanted to do was sleep. (you already said this) I curled up in a ball and closed my eyes, but suddenly I felt a cool hand on my wrist. My eyes fluttered open.

“Who?” I whispered. (I think 'murmured' would work better here)

“Where is your testing kit?” asked a concerned voice. (describe the voice a bit more. For all I know it could be a woman's voice.)

I just looked towards the little black kit without realizing what was going on. I just closed my eyes again, falling into the comfortable darkness. (what was so comfortable about the darkness? Was it soft, like a warm duvet? I think a comparison/metaphor would work well here)

“Stay awake!” was yelled in my ear (hmmm I don't like the 'was yelled in my ear'. Maybe simply: 'he yelled in my ear')

I ignored the statement, more distracted by what he was doing with his hands. He smoothly opened the kit and slid out the tester and a test strip. With the way he handled the equipment it was obvious he had done this before. I looked at his hands, distracted by his long fingers and the black marks that stained his knuckles.

As he lifted my hand I saw his face. It was the skater/regect boy from third and sixth periods. His crowd didn’t mix with my more upper middle class group so I never really thought about him. Now that I had a chance to see his face I was stunned. Under his long hair he had (maybe instead of 'he had' you could put something more descriptive like 'hid'?) amazing eyes. Eyes like burning sappires, but something clouded them. Was it........... (you can stick with three points; the effect is the same) concern? Why was he concerned? Then I realized what was going on but still couldn’t resist the urge to sleep. (this last sentence seems out of place somehow. I'd get rid of it altogether)

“Oh crap! You're really low. Ok, just hold on. I have some suger packets left over from coffee this morning,” he said urgently.

I felt my mouth automatically opening in response to the packet being pressed against my lips. I felt as the suger hit my tounge, swallowed and repeated the process three times before he picked me up. (instead of 'picked me up', I would put 'scooped me up'. It sounds better somehow. What do you think?)

“Ok Sleeping Beauty, you need to get down to the office,” he said in a snarky voice, making it abundantly clear that he was not nearly as concerned now that I had sugar in my system.

I just snuggled closer and as he lifted me up (you said before that he picked her up, so unless he put her down again...) and I closed my eyes. I heard him telling me to stay awake and I did, even though I was really tired. (we know that she's tired, it doesn't need to be repeated) I could feel as we reached to elevator and we went down finally reaching the office. The entire thing had lasted about three minutes from the time he found me to the time he layed me down in the sick room while briefing the nurse on my condition.

“So I found her in the hall, tested her, gave her some sugar and she should be more awake soon,” he said in a calm voice to the nurse.

“Good job Theo, but how did you know what to do?” she asked curiously

“My little sister was diagnosed a little while ago so I have learned the basics” he replied in a matter-of-fact voice.

So I was right: he had done it before. This thought was quickly chased away by the fact that an almost complete stranger had just carried me around school.

I was furious. (why? I don't understand this reaction)

“You, why did you carry around?!” I said, suddenly earning myself a bought of vertigo as I sat up quickly, ”I’m sure I could have walked!”

He turned to me with a smirk on his face and said in one of the most cocky tones I’ve ever heard,

“Whatever you say, Sleeping Beauty”

I wanted to be angry and part of me was, but this anger was over taken by a warm feeling that was spread over my body. I wanted to know him, for him to look at me with that playful look on his face and the thing that made me decide I was going to make that happen was that last look. (this last sentence is very wordy and, as it is, is quite hard to make sense of. I'd rephrase it)

Okay, so that's all for the nitpicks

Overall:

So this is an interesting idea, and I like how you gave it a slight unique touch, what with her being diabetic and all. I'd like to know more about that later on. I think that you could expand more on the MC, give her a little more personality so that we understand certain reactions. Right now I don't really feel like I understand her. I'd also like to know more about Chris - apart from being all those lovely things, doesn't he have some downfalls? Just to make him a bit more realistic. Maybe that will come later on in the story.

I think that the main problem with this is grammar and punctuation. Make sure to re-read your work well, so you can prevent the nitpicks ( for example, there were lots of missing commas and full stops that I'm sure you meant to put in).
I also think that you need to describe things with more depth. I want to see the school she's in, see the concern in the Theo's voice.

So, if you could expand the characters a bit more, add some description and re-read really well, this could make for a good read.

And definitly carry on with this! I would like to see a 1.2 very much.

Keep writing, and hope I helped!!

~Lilicia

The moment I started reading this, the first paragraph, I noticed problems. Lilicia has pointed out most, but some were missed. You say "regect", it is spelled "reject". Also, I do not approve of using slashes in the middle of a chapter, makes it look unprofessional.

As Lilicia said, you have trouble creating a real personality and I see few faults in your characters (besides the diabetes). It's like you have no wish to admit your characters' faults. Grammar and spelling should be focused on as well.

Description seems to be limited here, and I'd definitely like to see more. Before you submit, read over your entry so people don't have to edit every little mistake.

I don't wish to sound harsh, I'm simply honest. But I did like the fact she was diabetic, not many stories do that It was interesting

Lavvi

Ok, dear, you need to take another look at this for punctuation. I'm not usually a stickler about that, but this one was particularly bad in that department.

Now, to what I loved about this. It was damsel-in-distress without being to over-the-top fantasy. One thing. You need to follow your character to lunch and around school where the symptoms were showing up to give it a bit of suspense. Maybe introduce him before, and have the MC actively ignore him. When describing characters use your awesome metaphor skill. I've read your other works, I know you have some! Remember, I don't know anything about your characters. You know everything about them. You have to tell me, or else I'm lost... lost... lost... echo.. echo...

Enjoyed the story and the charchters. Above all I felt this was quite blunt.
I can realate to it tho-I mean you see the guy,the guy with the smirk,with the twinkle in his eye,with the know-it-all look.He draws you. You want to get him to look at you the way he's looking at his friend.
Yup.. I liked that bit but there should be more of that feeling.I mean the whole title is based on the connection and desire the girl has for the boy. We need more sparks..more longing[./i]

I also didn't feel the beginning was necessary. Yeah,Chris watever?! I don't think you need as much feeling and description about Chriis because well as we read on.. The MC falls for some other guy. Maybe her realationship with Chris is not as flowery and lovey-dovey?! [i]Maybe you could like make MC feel that she was only going out with Chris for the popularity factor and these days.. you were just not feeling right about the whole thing.. I dunno...

Anyway, I DO like the kind of like realtionship with the MC and the smirky,you-know-I like you kinda guy..
Try focus on that..
hope I helped..
yours KAKA X X
P.S Follow me!!