One Last Song

Spoiler

I wrote a series of bedtime stories for a girl I enjoyed. She's gone, but the words i wrote for her aren't.

Along time ago, before even history could remember, there lived a great king. He was a peaceful man, kind and old, if not nostalgic at times. His people loved him none the less. Although they loved him, they often became frustrated with his absent mindedness. Many times he would stare off through the windows of his grand castle and start to hum. When asked what he was doing he would simply reply that he was remembering.

Most did not know that the king was remembering the days of being a restless young man. He did not sleep well those days and would often have a young servant girl sing him off to sleep. It was a soothing melody, capable of putting even the fiercest beasts at rest.
A day came in which the girl’s mother took her far from the kingdom, never again to sing the king to sleep. The king was sad at this, but at the same time overjoyed to have heard such a melody!

The old king fell ill and felt his days quickly coming to an end. He refused many doctors, knowing that he had lived a long, prosperous life. His advisors however, urged him to name an heir to the throne. After some time he finally agreed. Restless as ever, he set a challenge to name the next heir.
Word was sent throughout the land that any maiden who could sing the old king to sleep would inherit the throne. Many women of noble descent arrived to take the king’s challenge, but all were sent back, for their songs were shrill and arrogant.
The king grew weary of it, none of the maidens could put him to rest and his time was nearing an end. On his death bed the tired old man agreed to see one last maiden. His servants brought to his bedside a dirty pauper. She did not introduce herself but did not hesitate coming to his bedside.
She began to sing a melody so beautiful that it brought tears to his weary eyes.

“I have not heard such since I was a young man. I now know that you are the one,” Said the king with a joyful smile, “You are the little girl who would sing me to sleep, the one true heir to the kingdom, for you are my only child.”

The pauper maiden let joyous tears fall from her eyes and continued with her song. In no time the king was asleep, a smile on his lips, never to wake again.

Aww... this was a very sweet story. i loved the way she sang him to sleep one last time, and in a way this sort of reminds me of cinderella.

CSheperd,

I really enjoyed this story. Although it's short in length, I feel like you captured the essence of a classic fable or fairytale. I thought the high fantasy aspect was played up well enough without seeming trite or overstuffed with details. Your structure was good, too. Because it's not a full story, I won't evaluate it like one, but I think if you wanted to expand this you could easily do that. Some sentences weren't arranged as cleanly as they could be, i.e. "She did not introduce herself but did not hesitate coming to his bedside." The repetition of "did not" there could be eliminated and reworded to sound smoother. Other than that, good job. Very sweet indeed.

Hello there! I will be reviewing you today.

Ah, what a refreshing fairy tale. I'm a fairy tale lover myself. (I even posted one just now!)

You pulled out the emotion from the reader in a very short time. Good job with this.

Since this is a fairy tale and doesn't have too much depth, there isn't much to review. Your grammar is solid and your writing style isn't forced. It's not too long and not too short.

As a tip to improve, I suggest giving more emphasis on the girl's poverty. I was reading rather quickly so I didn't get that she was poor right away. Make it more obvious like and more like the characters aren't expecting a mere peasant to commit such a miracle. Also, I take it this is the same girl that sung to him in the beginning. You said she was a servant in the beginning. Please clarify if this is a different girl because usually a king's daughter wouldn't be treated like a servant.

Other than that, I loved this. Keep it up.

I like it. It was sweet and cute. the only thing i would change about it is a little more detail. i wish u would have told us what the king looked that way we could see he king as you do, but i loved it anyway. keep writing

That's a really sweet story. I can't find anything really wrong with this.

I wrote a series of bedtime stories for a girl I enjoyed. She's gone, but the words i wrote for her aren't.

That's nice.
~Ladypurple.

You are a genius at capturing such detail and emotion in such a short story. I loved it's simplicity but also it's depth p.s. I'd love reviews on my story "Hard to Handle" sorry...its long

This story was amazing. The ending gave me chills. Love it.