Nemain's Brutality

Don't know where this came from. I usually don't. I guess it's supposed to be expected now.




Lithe movements
Only the beginning of a song
A dance of savage creatures
Unbeknownst by us,
Beasts of the world
Before our time-
When Gaia still walked the seas
And crows fled to the Otherworld,
carrying spirits on their back.
Dark wings sprout from her shoulders
As she twists and turns and unfurls into the sky
Into the moon
And the stars,
And the sun,
All at once,
Allowing nothing to escape.
Spinning hair encompassing
The darkness of all,
Whites of her eyes the clouds
Mirror irises reflect not her soul
But everyone else’s, yet to come
In a painful embrace.
She shimmers
In and out of our reality
Nemain’s wealth of life
And brutality
Laced in every step she takes
Shattering peace across worlds
With her graceful goddess dance.



The last line KILLS me. I hate it, with a burning, dragon-fire, bowels of hell strong passion. Any suggestions? Same with the title. Though I don't hate it AS much.

Thanks for reading!


Coral

Wow, great poem! I really like the flow of it.

Spinning hair encompassing
The darkness of all,
Whites of her eyes the clouds
Mirror irises reflect not her soul
But everyone else’s, yet to come.

I really like this part and, like this whole poem, I think it is very well written.

As for the title, I think it is fine just as it is. I don't hate the last line, but I think it doesn't quite fit with the rest of poem. I don't have any suggestions, though.
Great job!

And crows fled to the Otherworld,
carrying spirits on their back.

These were my favorite lines. You might want to go through this again and make sure everything is spelled correctly, though.

I really don't see the brutality in this. Most of the poem is focused on the pretty side of Nemain, it seems, and the brutality that supposedly laces her every step and shatters peace feels tacked on there as an afterthought. Basically, her brutality is an informed trait rather than something the readers are shown.

Now, if you were to expand upon the brutality and more obviously contrast it with the pretty side, this poem could be quite interesting. One way would be to present an idealized pretty trait (like mirror eyes) and then show how it's actually quite brutal in reality (like maybe imply that seeing one's soul drives one to madness). As this stands, though, the imagery is pretty bland since you use common and non-specific words (How dark is darkness? What type of darkness is it?), and so the poem as a whole is pretty bland as well.

Get a bit more creative with your imagery. Be more specific with your descriptions. Also, make sure the poem's main theme (I'm assuming it's Nemain's brutal side from the title) is present from the start and not just tacked on near the end. A loose outline of imagery directly tied to the main theme might help make the ideas in this poem flow better, and it may help you structure things so that the brutal side of Nemain more obvious from the start of the poem.

One last thing: why are some lines capitalized while others aren't? There doesn't seem to be a clear pattern/reason behind this, and so it looks very odd.