Workin' A Smile

Hail comes down in dissatisfied splashes.
I watch from a distance with liqoured eyes as they catch,
clinging to your bare shoulders.
You don't smile, though you blink,
meaning I find you humorously human.
I swallow a grin as the sky deepens and drains,
hearts bowed to break sunlight within.

You mention you're Catholic on the first date,
whilst I pick at vegetarian gravy.
My fingers come to grime as you play,
orange eyes filled with sky.
I wonder what crawls within, but
hint nothing,
knowing your weakness.

Your ankles clap against barring steel ties
wrapped twice round your delicate feet.
I look at mine and notice they flop grossly,
flapjacks, marvelous comets propelling across the floor.
You smile once and buy me a candy cone.
I'm surprised you realize my favorite flavor,

Your eyes crumble to cherry.
I enjoy the Spring.
We take steps to control the sailing,
the weather beneath it all. Your hip bones peek at me
under silk camisoles,
I kiss them tumoltuously.
I love the feeling of hail on my crooked smile...

And you?
You deserve it all against your chin.

Hello,

This is a very complex poem. It is very three dimensional.

The time jumps a lot I think so I was lost in places.

Honestly, I am not sure I get the piece fully. I am presuming it is about love, but feel free to rectify me if this is wrong.

I really liked this piece if it is about what I think it is.

Certain parts of the piece really makes it stand out and makes it different to me such as;

orange eyes filled with sky.

vegetarian gravy.

These are my favourite two lines in the piece, thus making that stanza my favourite.

I watch from a distance with liqoured eyes as they catch,

This I didn't like. I thought it very wordy and slowed the piece down. This is my fourth attempt at this piece and I had not got past the first stanza purely because of this line. It just feels so long for one line where as some of your other lines are fairly short.

The piece flows well and there is no major break in rhythm.

Well done, I can't wait to read more.

PM me for anything.

~Retro Disco666

This poem reminds me of Twilight in a way. I saw a lot of use of personification in it. And since Twilight is so popular, I'm sure this could be too. I had a little hard time understanding it, so you could clear it up in some spots.