The Moon's Jealous Revenge

Killing the sun and stopping the glow,
The moon plots her jealous revenge.
Venus and mars cannot intervene,
Both busy battling a friend.
- 
And Jupiter can't seem to regulate peace, 
Separated by the asteroid field,
And Pluto floats on solitarily by,
And Earth's fate is soon to be revealed
-
For too long upstaged, for too long ignored,
She silently creeps in for the kill,
To kill the sun king in one act of rage,
And triumph with an unparalleled will.
-
She poisons the sun, distracting with grace,
Her diabolical mind hidden well,
And she kisses the sun as he fades into death,
Then hides in her corrupt mind to dwell.
-
She resumes her throne watching over the earth,
And a venomous arrow pierces her heart.
With the sun's light gone forever to stay,
Her image is impossibly dark.

Hey, Litehawk.
Good job giving the moon a personality and even feelings/morals. This is such a cool poem.

I couldn't find anything really wrong with it, so that's cool.

But the thing I really liked about your poem was the end. The moon finally knows what she's done and kind of feels bad...really nice.
Good job, keep writing, and PM me for anything.

Hey. I couldn't find any errors in this! I like this. I like that you told how the other planets couldn't do much. Very creative, Good job!
~Ladypurple.

This was very cool! Here's my edits, in red:

Killing the sun and stopping the glow,
The moon plots her jealous revenge.
Venus and mars cannot intervene,
Both busy battling a friend.(This line is awkward. Perhaps: Both are busy fighting a friend? That would even out the line.)
-
And Jupiter can't seem to regulate peace,
Separated by the asteroid field.
And Pluto floats on solitarily by,
The Earth's fate will soon be revealed (I changed this here so it sounds better, and so you don't use the word 'and' so much. You don't have to take these suggestions, but they'll make it sound better)
-
For too long upstaged, for too long ignored,
She silently creeps in for the kill,
To kill the sun king in one act of rage,
And triumph with an unparalleled will.
-
She poisons the sun, distracting with grace,
Her diabolical mind hidden well,
And she kisses the sun as he fades into death,
Then hides in her corrupt mind to dwell.(I don't like this whole stanza. You describe her mind as two different things. Choose one. And the last line is too verbose.)
-
She resumes her throne watching over the earth,
And a venomous arrow pierces her heart.
With the sun's light gone forever to stay,
Her image is impossibly dark. (I love this stanza. It's awesome)

Overall, very nice job. this poem is quite interesting. Just keep in mind that Pluto is no longer a planet,and that your lines need to be even. Don't cram too many words into one.

-Dreamy

I love how you did all of this. It was different and cool. Keep writing.

Some grammar nitpicks first:

Killing the sun and stopping the glow,

I think a colon or m-dash would work better than a comma here.

Venus and Mars cannot intervene,

Minor typo, but the uncapitalized Mars struck me as pretty glaring, especially since it's in the first stanza.

And Earth's fate is soon to be revealed

I believe there should be a period at the end of this line.

And triumph with an unparalleled will.

I think ending this line in a comma will work better. Right now, grammatically, the sentence is missing the "how", which is explained in the next stanza. Switching to a comma will make the connection between the two stanzas much clearer.

And a venomous arrow pierces her heart.

Again, the period breaks up the flow of ideas. A colon, semicolon, or m-dash would work best here since the last two lines reveal what the "venomous arrow" is.

Overall impression:

I really like the whole concept of this poem, and I especially enjoyed how you blended mythology and science together. It was very creative, you alternated smoothly between the two, and there was a wonderful balance. The mythology aspect also really added to the personification. I think you could have incorporated a touch more of the personification-by-mythology aspect, especially with Pluto, who seems a bit shoved in there just-because at the moment. Tying in the whole Pluto = God of the Underworld and Wealth and maybe mentioning how he's looking forward to a new resident is one possibility.

While you did have a consistent rhyme scheme, a couple of the rhymes, particularly heart/dark, were weak. There is also the matter of meter and flow. Right now, the meter is quite inconsistent even within stanzas, and so it disrupts the flow of this poem. Looking at the syllable count by stanza, you have a 9/8/9/7, 11/10/11/9, 10/9/10/10, 10/10/12/9, and 11/11/10/9. There's no consistency, even within stanzas.

Rhyme relies on pattern to work effectively. You've got half of the pattern down (ending lines in words that rhyme), but the other half is meter. With such an inconsistent meter, approximate rhymes (like heart/dark) don't work as well as they could, and even perfect rhymes can sound off. For example, "Get me the pan, my darling Dan" has a feeling of rhyming even though it isn't broken up into lines; this is because there are three syllables in front of both "pan" and "Dan". On the other hand, "Get me the pan please, Dan" doesn't feel like a rhyme because the syllable count (and meter) is so different in between "pan" and "Dan".

Try and even up the syllable counts. Right now, the rocky flow is the one issue between your poem being decent and being good. Still, this was a very interesting take on the whole sun/moon dichotomy, and I really enjoyed this.

Hey there!
I like this. HAHA.
I don't know what else to say.
Kudos to this great work made.

Keep writing!

-KAT <3

This poem is so neat, especially the end.

Litehawk wrote:Killing the sun and stopping the glow,
The moon plots her jealous revenge.
Venus and mars cannot intervene,you need to capitalize Mars
Both busy battling a friend.
- 
And Jupiter can't seem to regulate peace, 
Separated by the asteroid field,
And Pluto floats on solitarily by,
And Earth's fate is soon to be revealedtry using a word other than and,you use it too much in this stanza

-
She resumes her throne watching over the earth,
And a venomous arrow pierces her heart.
With the sun's light gone forever to stay,gone forever to stay...doesn't sound right
Her image is impossibly dark.my favorite stanza!

Those are the minor mistakes i found but over all, you did very well!
-ShayM

Hey Litehawk!
This was an amazing poem! I really don't have anything to point out that the other reviewers haven't already. The idea behind this poem was well thought out, I never imagined the moon to be such a dark character, but it's a nice change.

Keep up the good work!!
-SodapopLunchbox

So, I really liked this. It's quite interesting. I thought it was cool to think of it this way -- as some way of the moon's seeking revenge. I thought it was cool that the moon's revenge was in the form of an eclipse (correct me if I'm wrong, but this is the picture I got). So just one thing that I noticed:

And Jupiter can't seem to regulate peace,
Separated by the asteroid field,
And Pluto floats on solitarily by,
And Earth's fate is soon to be revealed

Now, I'm not poet, and I've never really been good at poetry either, unless it's simple rhyming (ya, cat, rat, hat!). I feel as though it should be something along these lines:

And Pluto floats on solitarily by,
And Earth's fate will soon be revealed

I feel as though it might have a better rhythm that way.

All in all, though, I think that this poem was unique, and had great flow and rhythm to it. I think it definitely helped to open our minds to creativity, and helped us think it new ways. Keep writing!

Neat poem! It's very creative and different in a good way.
Something that stuck out kinda weird:

And Jupiter can't seem to regulate peace,
Separated by the asteroid field,
And Pluto floats on solitarily by,
And Earth's fate is soon to be revealed

I don't think there should be so many "and"s here. It doesn't fit together that well.

Good job, though, it's really cool!

Hi this is such a creative poem where did you get all those ideas from ?!

I would advice you to cut on the and's because there is too many of them and I personally feel they disturb the beauty and the flow of the poem. My favorite stanza is the last one ... how poetic however I don't really understand this line:

" ... the sun's light gone forever to stay"

Th lines I like the most are:

" She resumes her throne watching over the earth,
And a venomous arrow pierces her heart. "

And

"Killing the sun and stopping the glow,
The moon plots her jealous revenge. "

Overall I think is a good poem and I really like the personification you give to the moon