Demised Lovers

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1057
Reviews 63
Nothing will ever be like yesterday,
so much hope and so much loss.

The texture of your voice,
the pain it holds within..
Like fire as it pants across my skin.

Round the circle we'll go,
finding love thats not for show.
But I'll show you how this ends,
with a gun to my head; yes we'll all win.

Wishing for the best,
but only death can past the test.
Thunder and lightning can flash across the sky,
tumbling throughout the lands...
Valley; Hills of death is where we meet again.

Such a sick twisted love story,
so much for our lovely love song.
The end is all we have to look forward to: you and I.

As we perish into our demise,
We'll die together and live forever in the afterlife.
Pain is beautiful, when you feel pain you know you're alive. -Criss Angel




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 240
Reviews 98
Emo. Totally emo.
Aside from the emo-ness I liked it. I thought It was interesting, but in the middle, where you say "with a gun to my head" it was a sudden shock. It didn't quite jive with the beginning of the poem, you know? I think you should give it a reason for the gun to the head.
Those who dance are thought insane by those who don't hear the music.
Those who fit well into their world don't generally go about changing it.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3817
Reviews 74
Not the happiest poem... but that's okay, it's still good!
The texture of your voice,
the pain it holds within...
Like fire as it pants across my skin.

Round the circle we'll go,
finding love thats not for show.
But I'll show you how this ends,
with a gun to my head; yes we'll all win.

I think the "gun to my head" line doesn't quite fit in here. Maybe put it closer to the end and explain it a little bit.

Wishing for the best,
but only death can past the test.
Thunder and lightning can flash across the sky,
tumbling throughout the lands...
Valley; Hills of death is where we meet again.

I can see what you're trying to say, but this line needs a little more explaining, too.

I liked the end, it fits good with your poem. Especially the "so much for our lovely love song" line. Also, the way you wrote the stanzas in this poem is great!
Good job!
Do we not all agree to call rapid thought and noble impulse by the name of inspiration?
- George Eliot


"It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart."



If you steal property, you must report its fair market value...
— John Oliver