Taken

all right, so this idea came to me one day. i planned for it to be romance/adventure but then i lost my inspiration. i tried to set this story around the 17th/18th century. i always try to work on it but never succeed so im hoping that by posting it on yws, i win gain some inspiration and motivation. pleeease critique/review.
plennsterr(:



The rolling and rocking of the ship beneath her did nothing to help Loretta balance under the blindfold. Neither, she thought, was the rank smelling gag in her mouth.

"Come on. Keep moving." The figure behind her kept pushing her forward.

She kicked something with her foot and was about to trip over when a pair of strong arms encircled her, preventing her from crashing to the floor.

"Frederick, at least help guide her."

"Oh what do I care if she gets a bit bruised and beaten? As long as the moneys good."

"We need her in the best shape we can afford to keep her. She'll be worth more."

"It'll cost us-"

"Frederick, the ransom that they'll give us will pay double-- no, triple -- the amount it costs to keep her in good shape."

"All right, all right. But, good shape, eh? Wanting to have a go at her?"

I stiffened. No!

The man who held me, seemed to stand straighter,"Of course not."

Frederick chuckled,"So you aren't turned on by this rich red-blooded wench?"

The man how held me tensed and replied cautiously, "Any healthy man would be turned on by this. . . decent-looking lady. But, no, I am not interested in having relations with the captive."

I arched an eyebrow under my blindfold. Decent looking lady?

"Very well, River." Frederick's voice was rich with suppressed amusement, "Take her down to our cabin, would you? Make sure she's comfortable but not too comfortable. I have some business to attend to."

"Sure thing."

Loretta groaned inwardly as she was lead off again.

Hey, Plennsterr, this is Seraph.

The rolling and rocking of the ship beneath her did nothing to help Loretta balance under the blindfold. Neither, she thought, was the rank smelling gag in her mouth.

This doesn't make sense; what does a gag have to do with keeping balance?

She kicked something with her foot and was about to trip over when a pair of strong arms encircled her, preventing her from crashing to the floor.

This should be reworded a little, such as "her foot knocked against something, making her stumble..." etc.,etc.
"A pair of strong arms encircled her" seems out of place, all things considered. It would be more fitting to have the man grab her roughly to keep her on her feet. An embrace, especially in the time period you mentioned, is incredibly personal- more so possibly than a kiss (as people would kiss each other as a greeting).

"Oh what do I care if she gets a bit bruised and beaten? As long as the moneys good."

The last sentence sounds unfinished. If you end it with a dash (-) or ellipses (...).


"We need her in the best shape we can afford to keep her. She'll be worth more."

This doesn't make sense. Either it's "so we can afford...." or "or we can't afford..." or completely delete the second part of the first sentence, leaving it as "We need her to be in the best shape. She'll be worth more."

Frederick, the ransom that they'll give us will pay double-- no, triple -- the amount it costs to keep her in good shape."

Instead of "will pay double..." it would be better to say "will be worth double."

Frederick chuckled,"So you aren't turned on by this rich red-blooded wench?"

People at this time period would not use the phrase "turned on." They would be more likely to use a very obvious innuendo to get the point across.

"Any healthy man would be turned on by this. . . decent-looking lady. But, no, I am not interested in having relations with the captive."

The second part of what he says is closer to the time period, though it seems out of place that such a man would be in this kind of life situation.

I arched an eyebrow under my blindfold. Decent looking lady?

Unless she really does break mirrors she looks into, this doesn't make sense.
Give us some details. She wasn't stolen/taken for nothing. She appears to be wealthy, and well bred, otherwise the would-be-pirates wouldn't make comments about her "rich red blood," and about a large ransom. Have some thoughts here from her- possibly about her looks. Does she consider herself a bit plain? Does she have some peculiar feature, like a birth mark or mole? Details. I can't stress that enough.
Also, you switched from third person to first person in this sentence.

Hm. What we really need is more details- thoughts, feelings, smells, sounds, etc. We need to know why she's on this ship with these would-be-pirates, how she got there when she's obviously of a more elite class. We need a good reason for her to get mixed up in that.
Lets see.... language. I suggest you read novels/works/etc. from the time period you are thinking of, so you can understand and rightly use their jargon. It's going to be quite different than what we're used to seeing and reading. Also pay attention to how the people treat each other. At this time, people usually had a great deal of propriety, or standards that the majority of people adhered to. That whole "be a gentleman/ lady" thing.
Ideas for your plot. Simply answering the "why/how" of Loretta's current situation can get you rolling on that. If you need any help, feel free to PM me. I'm interested in seeing more of your work. Good luck.

*Seraph*

Overall bomb storyy! makeing a part 2?
Read mine?
viewtopic.php?t=66704

I liked the story! I liked how you used not only dialogue but the thoughts of the main character. I would love to see more!

Good story and a good healthy read for anyone who loves reading. However I have some nitpicks with your story..
First, I don't think it should be in Romantic short stories. It should be in Action/Adventure. I know it refers to some relationship quirks but definitely not Romantic material. More slight abusive romance..
Second I didn't like your title. For a story as good as this one, the title needs to have more meaning.. More feel. It was to suggestive,I thought or boring. What you would expect,You know?! Like kidnapped or Stolen?! I think it should be more.. more.. like a mystery. Like you have to really search why you choose that perticular title. Understand me?! Maybe I'm wrong but Just voicing my opinions.
A title should have a lot of time taken up.. When you choose a title it needs to have alot of thought put into it.

A title can be a very important thing in a story. I know when I go into a shop for a book, The title always draws you in to read the back.
I really liked the story anyhow.
Yours Kaka x x
Hope I helped.
Check uot my story paralysed in Action/Adventure stories.
x x I'm following you