Pieces of a Storm

Note: So I'm not sure what category this quite falls under...flash fiction, maybe? A series of vignettes? Anyway, if you have feedback on that I'd like to hear it. Also, I'm thinking this is a finished piece, but I'm not sure if it feels finished at all to an objective reader. So those are the two main things I'm really looking for input on. Otherwise, critique away!

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She walked quietly into the grass and closed her eyes, raising her face to the sky. Any second now. A crash of thunder off in the distance. A drop on her cheek. Ten, nine, eight. Another, louder crash. Seven, six. Speckles covering her nose and forehead. Five, four, three, two…

The rain came pouring down with the ferocity of a wild animal released from its cage. She shivered as she was instantly drenched with the chilly water. She opened her eyes. Furious thunder exploded above. Suddenly the sky was on fire. The rain calmed for the briefest moment. She breathed in the balmy air and threw out her arms as the rain resumed its rampage and another shelf of water engulfed her.

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The thunder banged against the sky, seeming to shake the whole apartment complex. A brilliant flash of lightening threw the city’s outline into sharp relief for a moment. Adrianne rested her head against the cold glass as her lights flickered and threatened to go out again.

With a sigh, she tugged her blanket more tightly around her and stared at the phone, which lay in front of her on the window seat. Silent. It was silent. For the umpteenth time, she reached for it, wanting to call, wanting to dial the number so familiar that her fingers practically flew across the buttons. She pulled back at the last second. How she ached to hear the familiar ring and that voice on the other line. She shook herself and went back to watching the storm tear across the night sky. But she was still waiting. She was always waiting.

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“It’s beautiful. It’s magical. The sky lighting up with flashes of electricity, the thunder pounding and shaking the earth, the water drenching everything it touches. It’s pure power. It’s emotion. It’s catharsis. It inspires and terrifies at the same time. I can’t get enough of it. I want to run around in it, sing in it, dance in it. I want to shout – no, yell, no - scream! It’s so intense. I feel everything when the storm comes. I feel alive. I feel like I’m going to explode. I feel insane. And I-I…it’s like I almost can’t stand it, Adam. I almost can’t even stand it.”

She beamed as she said this, wet drops shining on her skin as she held her arms out to the heavens and let the storm envelop her. He watched her with a loving smile on his face.

“Adam, look! Look at me! I’m soaked! And look at you! Don’t you feel wonderful? It’s everywhere. This storm is all over us. I love it! I just love it. Come dance with me!” With this, she grabbed at his hand and spun him around in a circle until they both fell, splashing into a muddy puddle, laughing.

I have absolutely no insight into what category this falls under haha
But I do think that it does feel finished. You could add more and it wouldn't drag on or anything but I don't think you need to

Okay, I'll answer your two questions first. I have no idea what category this would come under, which I suppose is why it probably belongs in Other. It feels finished because you chose to end it there; as I'm not the author, I don't know what else you could write. Experiment with an em dash before the "laughing" at the end. I always find the em dash makes everything sound more final.

This was definitely slightly odd. I love the description of Adrianne, in particular. I think your characters might benefit from names, especially in the last snapshot. The first one needs no name because the whole idea is quite raw, but I'd like to know the name of the girl with Adam, if only because I was confused as to whether they were the same person.

This is only a nitpick, but I thought I'd bring it up.

She shivered as she was instantly drenched with the chilly water.

You've just said that the storm has let loose with the "ferocity of a wild animal", and now the water's "chilly". The word just doesn't have the same impact as the rest of the paragraph. I would cut "the" before whatever adjective you decide to use, even if it just turns out to be "freezing". "Chilly" is the kind of word you use to describe an overcast day in March, not a full blown storm.

The thunder banged against the sky

Equally, we've had "exploded" before this, and now we have "banged". This isn't as problematic as the previous quote, and I do like the idea of thunder clashing with the sky, but I'd see what synonyms you can use.

wet drops shining on her skin

This is more a case of redundancy than lack of impact, because I don't know how the drops couldn't be wet. I'd just cut the "wet" altogether and leave it without an adjective.

There's never too much I can say about a piece in Other. I always like the idea of connecting characters through events or similarities in their lives, and this is one of the better executions I've read. Also, congrats on posting your first piece of writing for a couple years.

- Jet.

EDIT: I've just realised on reading ultraviolet's review that perhaps these are three different storms, all experienced at different times of Adrianne's life? Then I look at the title and it refers to "a storm", singular, so I'm back to what I talk about in my original review. It is a bit confusing, but I kind of expected that when I saw that it was in Other. A spoiler at the end might be handy explaining the perspective, unless you wanted to leave it open to interpretation.

I have one little nitpick:

I want to run around in it, sing in it, dance in it. I want to shout – no, yell, - no scream!

Other than this, I didn't catch anything.

Overall, this is a very good piece. It flowed well and the descriptions were marvelous, giving me a perfect vision of the scene in only a paragraph or two. It does seem finished, and not at all rushed.

I do, however, have one bad thing to say. When I read the first two parts, I was trying to connect them, and when that didn't work that first and the last. Until someone wrote about your idea of three different perspectives, I didn't quite get that they were not connected at all. Maybe you could put the MC's name before each section, or at very least use their name; I don't think you did for the first or last one.

The writing itself was wonderful. Keep up the good work.

loveness, dia