Fairytale. A love story... (Chapter One)

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Fairytale
A love story…

“Good afternoon class, I certainly hope that you had an enjoyable lunch. Today we will be talking about World War Two because a: I am required to talk about it during this World History class. And b: Today just happens to be Hitler’s birthday, as I’m sure none of you knew,” said Mrs. Kensington. Why does she doubt us so? Maybe it’s just me but I defiantly knew today was Hitler’s birthday! Although I can’t say the same thing for the others, I wish Mrs. Kensington would just acknowledge that I am smart, even if I may be the only smart one in this stupid school! Thank goodness I’m going to be out of here after this year.

“No, I’m not supposed to be here! I’m supposed to be at the-“said someone coming in. They sounded like they were being forced into the room. I looked back and saw the handsomest guy I had ever seen! He had brown hair that just reached his ears and these chocolate brown eyes. I knew everyone had seen him when I heard all the girls, except for me, gasp in amazement of the beautiful creature that just walked into our room. The guy looked around and smiled, I’m sure that he got a lot of attention where he was from.

He walked farther into the classroom, voluntarily this time, and started to speak to us, “Yes, I know I am so breathtakingly handsome, but I need to know how to get back to my kingdom.” Nobody said anything, I might’ve heard a few chuckles, but other than that, absolutely silent.

“Are you for real dude?” said Brad. The guy must have realized how stupid he was sounding because he stopped smiling and looked almost embarrassed. Everyone started laughing at him, I felt so bad. Mrs. Kensington just looked over at him with her I-Should-Make-Them-Stop-Laughing-But-I-Really-Don’t-Want-To look.

The guy looked back at the person who pushed him in and said, “Really, you’ve made a mistake, I shouldn’t be here.”

The man who I recognized as the janitor, Mr. Judkins, said, “Sorry kid, you said you were seventeen. Seventeen-year-olds need to be in school, unless you are telling me that you are a recognized genius and graduated school at age 9!”

“Will that get me out of here?” said the guy and more people laughed.

“No,” said Mr. Judkins. “Now sit down.”

The guy looked around a bit and decided to sit in the empty seat next to me, joy.

“Hello, my name is Allen. Thank you for not laughing at me,” he said and I felt so sorry for him! How could I not while he was staring at me with those huge brown eyes!

“No problem, but you may not want to attract so much attention for a while. I’m Lily by the way,” I said giving him a small smile. When I smiled he smiled and looked so joyful I got scared.

“You have an amazing smile,” he told me. “It could cheer the sorriest of souls up.” I looked at him and looked at him some more, he was too innocent, he could not be from around here. Was he Amish? Maybe he had been home-schooled, maybe he was a mama’s boy! Oh great, a mama’s boy! No! Maybe he was gay! Well, that would just ruin everything!

“Umm, thanks,” I said and turned around in my chair while Mrs. Kensington finally decided to get her fat butt off the chair and actually teach us something! As the hour passed I could feel Allen’s gaze on my neck. He was creepy, I have to admit.

“Is there something I can do for you?” I asked him and he looked around like I was talking to someone else. When he realized I was talking to him he bent forward and whispered in my ear, “Do you like it here? And don’t you dare lie to me because I already know the answer.” I looked at him, after only thirty minutes of knowing me, he already knew the most truthful truth there was to my life.

“No, I don’t actually, why?” I said, but before he could answer, Mrs. Kensington snapped, “Lily! Stop talking, I’m in the middle of a conversation on a subject that you probably haven’t even heard of in your ungrateful little life.” Oh, she makes me so mad!

“Want to bet?” I mumbled, but one thing about Mrs. Kensington is that she can hear EVERYTHING!

“Fine, if you want to act like that, Lily Petals-when she said my name Allen looked at me with a surprised look on his face-what is Hitler’s first name?” she said. Wow, how did she even pass college if she thinks that is hard for a senior to answer!

“Adolf,” I answered simply.

“Wrong, it’s Adolf,” she said and went back talking. I smirked at her mistake. Like usual, I was the first to get out of the classroom when the bell rang. Allen was following me, he walked funny, like he was a very proper person of nobility. I really don’t know, but he was creeping me out!

“Really, what’s your problem?” I asked him as I got to my locker and he was still behind me!

“Well, you said you don’t like it here,” he said. I still looked at him in confusion.

“I’m not from here,” he told me, again leaning in to whisper in my ear.

“I can tell,” I told him and continued to put in my locker combination.

“That’s not what I mean,” he said. “I’m a prince from the kingdom of Aumber.”

“There’s no kingdom in this world by the name of Aumber,” I said and rolled my eyes, he didn’t see that though.

“Exactly!”
Last edited by iheartbooks on Tue May 11, 2010 12:35 am, edited 5 times in total.
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I absolutely love this! I wish I could write as well as you do.
Yes, I love him. Yes, I can never have him. Yes, I don't care.
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OMG! Thankyou!!!
I reread my story so far and I thought it was stupid so I was going to give up on it but since you said that I feel better and more confident I will totally check out what you have written!!!!
Last edited by Evi on Wed Apr 21, 2010 9:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Please don't use colored font in the literary forums. Thanks!
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wow, a great write and what seems to be the start of a great story. i don't think there were any mistakes at all.

i really do want to here more and read the rest of the story because honistly, if you persivered with this and completed it. people would love it. look at the good reviews you're getting now and this is only the first chapter.
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That was Awesome!! :D
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Hey Iheartbooks!
I'll review your story today.

So,to be honest, this is very, very cliche, it's the mysterious guy who meets plain girl and saves her from her plain and awful world story. This has been written and heard many times before, especially since now with the crazy Twilight frenzy. This has been overused now, it might have seemed like a nice plot for a story some years ago, but now it's overused and if you want to make it work you have to think of a extremely original plot for this two extremely cliche characters

You seemed to have rushed through the first paragraph to the part where the "hot" guy went into the room and was so breathtaking that it got everyone's attention.

iheartbooks wrote:Fairytale
A love story…

“Good afternoon class, I certainly hope that you had an enjoyable lunch. Today we will be talking about World War Two because a: I am required to talk about it during this World History class. And b: Today just happens to be Hitler’s birthday, as I’m sure none of you knew,” said Mrs. Kensington. Why does she doubt us so? Maybe it’s just me but I defiantly knew today was Hitler’s birthday! Although I can’t say the same thing for the others, I wish Mrs. Kensington would just acknowledge that I am smart, even if I may be the only smart one in this stupid school! Thank goodness I’m going to be out of here after this year. The part where the teacher talks is decent for you are showing us that they are in class and they should be paying attention. But the part of your MC is just too telly, you told us too much and in the wrong way because it gets the feeling that she is pretentious. I mean why don't you show us that she is smart instead of throwing it at us in such way? You have to remember that in writing, you have to show us not tell us.

“No, I’m not supposed to be here! I’m supposed to be at the-“said someone coming in. They sounded like they were being forced into the room. I looked back and saw the handsomest guy I had ever seen! He had brown hair that just reached his ears and these chocolate brown eyes. I knew everyone had seen him when I heard all the girls, except for me, gasp in amazement of the beautiful creature that just walked into our room. The guy looked around and smiled, I’m sure that he got a lot of attention where he was from. First thing with this part is that you rushed through the first paragraph just to get to this part and that makes the story sort of boring.Why? Because every story has a pace, a pace that is comfortable, understandable and one which the reader can follow without getting confused but this is so fast. Second thing with this part is, how cliche it is! The part I put in red is just an example of how cliche this is. Why? Because you didn't even described us the guy first, you just plainly told us that he was handsome. You threw him to the story to just be the handsome mysterious guy. To be honest, you need to think of a more original idea for your two characters.

He walked farther into the classroom, voluntarily this time, and started to speak to us, “Yes, I know I am so breathtakingly handsome, but I need to know how to get back to my kingdom.” Nobody said anything, I might’ve heard a few chuckles, but other than that, absolutely silent. Ok so this was totally inappropriate, this part is useless, and I'm sorry if I sound too harsh, but it is useless. What he says is really telly and gets the story nowhere at all.

“Are you for real dude?” said Brad. The guy must have realized how stupid he was sounding because he stopped smiling and looked almost embarrassed. Everyone started laughing at him, I felt so bad. Mrs. Kensington just looked over at him with her I-Should-Make-Them-Stop-Laughing-But-I-Really-Don’t-Want-To look. Now another thing, this is also not appropriate. First of all, the dialogue was nice and if you would have gone a little more in depth with what Brad said and his reaction, the one of the classmates and even the "hot" guy, it would have made the story more believable. Second, that adjective, try, please try not to use those adjectives, the I-want-to-say-something-but-I-can't kind of adjectives.Why? First because they are not describing anything! how am I supposed to know how the teacher looked like, how her expressions where if instead of describing it to us you give us a sentence that doesn't help us.

The guy looked back at the person who pushed him in and said, “Really, you’ve made a mistake, I shouldn’t be here.” This is ok but you should describe him a little more, how he looked at the man, the sound of his voice, the look on her face, it would be nice if you did so.

The man who I recognized as the janitor, Mr. Judkins, said, “Sorry kid, you said you were seventeen. Seventeen-year-olds need to be in school, unless you are telling me that you are a recognized genius and graduated school at age 9!”

“Will that get me out of here?” said the guy and more people laughed.

“No,” said Mr. Judkins. “Now sit down.”

The guy looked around a bit and decided to sit in the empty seat next to me, joy.Yes, incredibly cliche, what a coincidence! I don't mean to offend, but I've read this before is nothing knew if you just tried to make them meet in a whole different way it would have been way better.

“Hello, my name is Allen. Thank you for not laughing at me,” he said and I felt so sorry for him! How could I not while he was staring at me with those huge brown eyes!It would be nice if you added a bit more of him here, how he looked after being mocked at? And go a little more in depth with you character's feelings, after all, she's yours, you can do whatever you want with her and bring her to life.

“No problem, but you may not want to attract so much attention for a while. I’m Lily by the way,” I said giving him a small smile. When I smiled he smiled and looked so joyful I got scared. Instead of saying when I smiled he smiled, you could have simply said, he smiled back and showed us her feelings, what did she feel when he smiled back and how did he look smiling.

“You have an amazing smile,” he told me. “It could cheer the sorriest of souls up.” I looked at him and looked at him some more, he was too innocent, he could not be from around here. Was he Amish? Maybe he had been home-schooled, maybe he was a mama’s boy! Oh great, a mama’s boy! No! Maybe he was gay! Well, that would just ruin everything!

“Umm, thanks,” I said and turned around in my chair while Mrs. Kensington finally decided to get her fat butt off the chair and actually teach us something! As the hour passed I could feel Allen’s gaze on my neck. He was creepy, I have to admit. As I always say, stares feel heavy on other people so...what I'm trying to say here is that you should show us more about her feelings! characterization, characterization.

“Is there something I can do for you?” I asked him and he looked around like I was talking to someone else. When he realized I was talking to him he bent forward and whispered in my ear, “Do you like it here? And don’t you dare lie to me because I already know the answer.” I looked at him, after only thirty minutes of knowing me, he already knew the most truthful truth there was to my life.

“No, I don’t actually, why?” I said, but before he could answer, Mrs. Kensington snapped, “Lily! Stop talking, I’m in the middle of a conversation on a subject that you probably haven’t even heard of in your ungrateful little life.” Oh, she makes me so mad!

“Want to bet?” I mumbled, but one thing about Mrs. Kensington is that she can hear EVERYTHING!

“Fine, if you want to act like that, Lily Petals-when she said my name Allen looked at me with a surprised look on his face-what is Hitler’s first name?” she said. Wow, how did she even pass college if she thinks that is hard for a senior to answer!

“Adolf,” I answered simply.

“Wrong, it’s Adolf,” she said and went back talking. I smirked at her mistake. Like usual, I was the first to get out of the classroom when the bell rang. Allen was following me, he walked funny, like he was a very proper person of nobility. I really don’t know, but he was creeping me out!

“Really, what’s your problem?” I asked him as I got to my locker and he was still behind me!

“Well, you said you don’t like it here,” he said. I still looked at him in confusion.

“I’m not from here,” he told me, again leaning in to whisper in my ear.

“I can tell,” I told him and continued to put in my locker combination.

“That’s not what I mean,” he said. “I’m a prince from the kingdom of Aumber.”

“There’s no kingdom in this world by the name of Aumber,” I said and rolled my eyes, he didn’t see that though. Now this whole dialogue I have to say is flat, really flat and sort of boring since it's something we've read before, especially those of us who have read Twilight thirty times before. What I'll give you credits for is that he's from another kingdom that I'm guessing lies in some other parallel world to ours. But in the dialogue you have to add more mannerism, more facial and body expressions. Dialogue is a way of character development and it helps to know your character and to identify the plot and many other things, but this dialogue is flat

“Exactly!”


I'm sorry If I sounded harsh or if I offended you, that was not my intention, I'm just trying to help you improve your writing and in no way I'm telling you to stop writing.

XOXO
Pudin
Les sanglots longs
Des violons
De l'autonne
Blessent mon coeur
D'une langueur
Monotone.

Verlaine




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I enjoy this so much. Love the beginning. "Todays Hitlers birthday. Which I'm sure none of you knew." I hope to read more from you. ^_^

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Thank you everyone for your comments and opinions and reviews.

thatboy: Thanks, I plan to write more soon

junglelover and Sleepingdawn: Thanks for the encouragement!

and pudin.judinf: Thank you for the excellent review! I don't think I've gotten a review that detailed before! As for the cliche thing, I suppose every story must start out kind of cliche sounding, but the really good ones are the ones that have that unexpected twist to it =] I hope to continue writing this, and maybe if you read more of it you'll discover a future plot twist and some differant characters and love in a place you wouldn't expecct it from this point.

Thanks again!
-iheartbooks♥
"As the hungry are deprived of food, I am deprived of sympathy for those who deprive me of my sanity." ~Anonymous



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