its finally here!

okay, this is the second part of my first chapter, oh gosh, i am terified to post! never gets easier! sorry about the font and stuff, it doesnt show up right on this site, it looks better in the draft i have.

I stopped.
The air seemed to wrench me from gravities hold as it gathered under me, almost like an inner-tube of air.
I looked at jazzy, she had flung her hands out, palms flat like a stop gesture, her eyes were closed, face screwed in concentration. Was my life ever normal?


A surprised yelp tore out of my chest as the ground plummeted towards me again, before slowing. My little buoyant cloud of air dropped me, not gently, on the grass of the courtyard.
I looked up as a screech tore through the air. The thing, monster-bird whatever it is, wasn’t happy. It dived, double wings folded, at me.
Before it hit, an invisible, soundless clap of thunder sounded, slamming into both of us.
My head whipped back into the thankfully soft grass, the creature wasn’t so lucky. It slapped onto the concrete with crushing force, a snap blew over me as it stilled, twitching in jerky movements. I thought I might puke.
The air grew heavy and I looked, aghast, at jasmine. A stairway was forming outside the imploded window, how were the other students not noticing this!
She dropped onto the ground with a dull thump, grinning at me and casting a disgusted look at the creature.
“Jensen! Your okay, I knew I could do it!” I forgot, for an instant, we were enemies. I jumped up and hugged her. Yes hugged, I hugged the person I had had a year old enmity with.
She no longer looked like a selfish queen bee. Well, to me at least. Her dark brown eyes flicked behind me, widened and dropped.
“Bartleby!” I turned as a wave of cold water lapped at my feet.
Water? Today was just getting weirder and weirder.
Yes, I am not the ‘perfect’ kid, but usually my life was okay, like, monsters weren’t attacking me.
The man, bartlewhatever was tall, really tall. I looked up, and up and up at his tanned, olive face, matched with a head of thick, shaggy, mouse colored hair.
What snagged my eyes were his eyes.
They were a pale, pale blue, almost a hazy grey. And they were angry.
I could have sworn my heart stopped.
“Jasmine haryn, you have done your duty, thank you, but it’s almost time for school to start, so I recommend you go home.” He said, slowly, calm, assured.
Jazzy bristled “no bartleby, I will stay with Jensen.” I just sat on the ground, staring at the twitching creature.
So much for a quiet, normal day, Was I so trouble prone?
“Umm, hello?” I asked, temper spiking with the realization I was alive and well “want to explain what the heck just happened? I was attacked by a flying thing! And you are just chit chatting away!”
His pale eyes turned to me “Jensen Jones, I don’t believe we have met, my name is bartleby McConnell, and you are a gifted child.”
I think my bee just turned into a hornet

this really needs critique, its one of my shortest chapters!

Heeeeey I'll critique this if you really need help.
Just saying, but this is way too short to be a full chapter.

from gravities hold

Here you are trying to say that gravity basically owns this hold. The hold belongs to gravity. So instead of making it plural, like you did, this should read: "from gravity's hold.

I looked at jazzy

Remember that all proper nouns, such as names, must be capitalized. So the "J" in "Jazzy" should be a big "J."

Alright, I have no idea what is going on in this first scene whatsoever. You might want to clarify.

I had had a year old enmity with

There are two major problems with this sentence. First, "had" is a horrible word. The best writers use it as little as possible. And, here, you use it twice in a single sentence. Ugh. Fix that. And the second is that I feel that the word "enmity" works here. I don't think that you can have an enmity with someone.

I'm not so sure that I like your style of prose. You start off going pretty formal, and then the formality totally dies. Commit to one level of formality, and stick with it.

Hope I helped you out. For the record, I couldn't tell what was going on in this. At all. You need to work on that.
Good luck with your writing. PM for questions/comments
-Lena

ummm, this isnt a full chapter, this is the SECOND HALF of a chapter. thanks for the review.

Even if this wasn't the second half of a chapter, it is not too short. i've read books that have chapters that only have a few sentances in them. Its your opinion on how long you think the chapter is, and i think its fine! =)
I loved this, again, a few gramatical things, but nothing big. I'm waiting for more! Xd hahahah